Thursday, August 28, 2003

Umbrellas are good for staying dry in the rain… for normal people. Criminal masterminds may see the umbrella as a tool for shooting mind-controlling rays upon the public.

Uganda is a country in Africa. There are a lot of black people there.

Uvula is the scientific name for the thing that hangs at the back of your throat (see also: Thing That Hangs In The Back Of Your Throat)

Unitarianism is a sect of Christianity. Unitarians are no-good heretics and will burn in the eternal fires of Hell when they leave this world.

Up is the direction on top of things. It is just like Down, only totally opposite. Generally, Up is good and Down is bad (except in sexual positions). In space there is no Up or Down, just an all-around feeling of hopeless indirection.

Uma Thurman is an actress who won rave reviews for her portrayal of “Mia,” the Big Man’s wife in Quentin Tarantino’s extremely violent masterpiece, Pulp Fiction. I don’t know what she’s been up to since.

Uranium is one of the elements on the Periodic Table. Nobody knows what it is exactly, but it glows and probably gives you cancer if you touch it. It’s brother is Plutonium. They are named after Uranus, which is a planet, and Pluto, which is sort of but also kind of isn’t.

Underwear are garments to be worn around one’s private areas, and only sniffed by significant others and/or psychotic fans who sneak into bedrooms at night. It is to be changed everyday, except for Sunday because God doesn’t want to see your penis/vagina on His day off.

Unmarried is what I am and is how my mother says I will die as if I don’t lower my standards and find myself a wife.

Unicorn is an animal that does not exist, like dragons, mermaids, or Eskimos. They resemble horses with a singular horn protruding from the center of its head, as if plain old horses didn’t already conjure up enough phallic images. They are so named because “uni” is Latin for “one” and “corn” is speech-impediment for “horn.”

Umbellifer is a plant of the carrot family, like dill, parsnip, celery, or parsley. Bet you didn’t know that, big shot.

Uzi is a gun. As a child, when you used to make a machine-gun sound with your mouth like this, “Ptptptptptptptptptptptptpt,” you were impersonating an Uzi.

Unitard is what you wear if you are a gay dancer.

Unicycle is a bike with just one wheel. It’s probably very, very difficult to balance or steer, which is why it is only ridden by Russian circus bears whipped and electro-shocked into obedience by their alcoholic ex-Soviet masters.

Urethra is something in the body that has something to do with peeing. It is most likely very squishy and probably smells terrible.

Urologist is a doctor who looks at other men’s penises for a living. These men are not gay. They are trained professionals, skilled in diagnosing diseases of the wang. Do not be alarmed if your urologist juggles your tomatoes during your appointment. He’s just checking them for problems. You can trust your urologist with your Johnson.

Union of Soviet Socialist Republics was a country that used to exist but now doesn’t. In 1991, this country stopped existing because its citizens were tired of standing on a line for three days just to get a loaf of bread. Also, they were Commie bastards. They ultimately succumbed to the might of America’s awesomeness.

Umbles are the edible viscera of a deer or hog. Umbles! Did you hear that? Umbles! It’s a funny word, Umbles! Umbles! Who makes this stuff up?

Pierre Cavanaugh can be seen on Provo’s public-access Channel 6 on Sunday mornings, where he hosts his very own cable show called Cavanaugh’s Corner, a talk/variety show in homage to his favorite musical group, Dawn (feat. Tony Orlando). He doesn’t believe in society’s conventions and, as such, refuses to put his pants on one leg at a time. He sits on his bed, puts both legs in, slides the pants up to the base of his ass, jumps off the bed and yanks his pants up to his waist. He buttons them to conclude the process, but frequently forgets to zipper his fly. He lives in suburban Draper, Utah, with his wife and infant son. (Don’t think he missed the opportunity to make a bigamy joke here. He simply passed on it, but feel free to make one yourself.)

Happy Birthday, Jason Priestly! Dear Brandon, Happy 34th Birthday! It took 10 long years of blood, sweat, and tears, but I've finally achieved the level of sideburnal perfection that you reached in 1993. I've got to say, it looks awesome. I sometimes spend hours...
The Travis Diaries June 2, 2003 I really wish I were a guy named “Travis.” The name just exudes coolness. Like that guy from "WKRP." You know, Travis. I think I’d do so well with the ladies if when I met them I...
Happy Birthday, Sgt. Slaughter! Dear Sgt. Slaughter, U.S. Army (Ret.), I'm a little confused. Which is your true vocation? Are you an officer in the United States military? Are you a character on beloved 1980s children's cartoon “G.I. Joe”? Are you a professional wrestler?...

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