& Recently . . .

Louis XIV’s To-Do List

ç Don’t shower ç Grope chambermaid ç Piss in chamber pot. Toss out window. ç Diddle the houseboy. ç Don’t shower ç Call Marie re: cake ç Gaze at my reflection in mirrored hallway. Hump my reflection. Belch. ç Scratch…

Useful Phrases for the American in Paris

Je recherche un talonneur appelé Marie. Elle peut avoir ma pochette. I’m looking for a hooker named Marie. She may have my wallet. Ce goût du vin comme la pisse de chien. Où peux-je circuler un Pabst ici ? This…

Everything Is Translated

Following is an excerpt from Jonathan Safran Foer’s acclaimed début novel, Everything Is Illuminated, in which the narrator is almost, but not quite, fluent in English. His Ukrainian translation flubs provide a delightfully clever mutilation of the English language, causing…

Random Selections from the ‘U’ Volume of the Encyclopedia

by Pierre Cavanaugh

Umbrellas are good for staying dry in the rain… for normal people. Criminal masterminds may see the umbrella as a tool for shooting mind-controlling rays upon the public. Uganda is a country in Africa. There are a lot of black…

Polish Fact

Machine building, iron and steel, coal mining, chemicals, shipbuilding, food processing, glass, beverages, textiles.

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Impari L'Italiano
Buone notizie per la gente che ama le notizie difettose.
Good news for people who love bad news.

Y.P.aRt Gallery

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Monday, September 1, 2003   |    Fiction

Sentiments Anti-Français

Not French!

A Postcard from Paris

Dear Nicky,

The Hamptons just isn’t the same without you! I miss you so much! I can’t wait to see you as soon as you get done having sex with all of the Green Bay Packers! I saw you on “Page Six” this morning. You looked fab! So sexy! Oh! I saw Tara Reid last night. She says hi. We did lots of blow and then slept with six guys and a donkey! Hey, did you ever have waffles à la mode? We did. It was awesome! Miss you, little sister! Don’t forget to feed Muffy!


P.S. I accidentally bumped into and then slept with Carson Daly and Jimmy Kimmel at some bar last night. They want us to tag-team mud-wrestle the Olsen twins on TV. I said I’d have to check with you first. Who are the Olsen twins?