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Polish Fact

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Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Impari L'Italiano
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Monday, September 15, 2003   |    Fiction


by Bobby Rufferto


“Yes, Burt?”

Are you sleeping?



“Is something wrong, honey?”

No. Yes… Loraine, how come you don’t pick nits off my back anymore?


Are you having an affair?


You are. I knew it. You are. I bet it’s Stan. It’s Stan, isn’t it? You’re running around with Stan, that no good spider monkey! I knew it. I saw the way you two were throwing feces together at the lake yesterday—

“Burt… I’m not cheating on you, honey. I swear. I promise, I love you. It’s… it’s just…”

What? What is it?

“I’m just feeling like… I’m feeling old. Since the kids left the tree, I’m feeling old and unwomanly and haggard. My fur is shedding. My joints ache…”

Aw, Lorraine, baby, you know I don’t care about all that. Let’s swing over to the lake and throw some feces together like old times.

“I love you, Burt.”

I love you, Loraine.


Yes, Loraine?

“Let’s play hide the banana.”

I love it when you talk dirty.

Bobby Rufferto once broke his jaw on a Jawbreaker. Although it hurt incredibly, he is one to appreciate irony. He has not sued the confectioners. Do you think he should? He's conflicted: on the one hand, it hurt like hell; on the other, he now has a flip-top head which allows him to save money by buying a cheap, generic toothbrush instead of the pricey Reach toothbrush. Also, as a result, he can now entertain party guests by fitting a whole Magic 8-Ball into his mouth and shaking his head for your fortune. While we're on the subject, he did not particularly enjoy the movie Jawbreaker, but he sure digs that Rose McGowen. Oooh, she's naughty. Mr. Rufferto lives in New York, works in New Jersey, and teaches tango lessons in Iowa.