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Tuesday, September 23, 2003   |    Non-Fiction

Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute

by Lisa Grover

Knicks / O.C. / Walken / My Body Is a Wonderland / Madge / Fall TV/ Matt Lauer’s Awful Hair / My Heavy Bags

Memo to Scott Layden, G.M. of the New York Knicks: You need Kurt Thomas to play center. If you trade him, there will be no one to play there. Thomas and Charlie Ward for Nick Van Exel? I agree Van Exel is a very good point guard, but he’s been playing the 2 guard for 5 years now and one playoffs does not a point guard make. Also, adding Van Horn and Van Exel doesn’t forgive the prior mistake of forcing out the one Van you need, Van Gundy.

All right, I’ll say it. I’m addicted to “The O.C.” I can’t get enough of this show. It’s like watching a train wreck. The funny characters are funny. The serious characters are funny. The plots are funny. The smoldering looks that Ryan gives every five minutes merit mentioning also. Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows are going to start shooting off one-liners any moment. And I’ll say this also: That Seth Cohen is adorable.

O.K., let me get this straight. Someone went into a movie studio executives office and said, “O.K., here’s the deal. It’s Midnight Run meets “George of the Jungle.” We get The Rock in the DeNiro role. We get Stifler in the Charles Grodin role. And, for the hell of it, because he hasn’t been in a movie in six weeks, we’ll get Chris Walken.” This studio executive looked this person in the face and said, “Let’s make it work.” I thought this was an SNL commercial at first, but no. This movie actually exists and will actually be in your theaters and if it actually makes money, I might start to cry.

If it’s possible, the new John Mayer CD is actually better than the first. If there are fans out there, I highly suggest that you pick this album up.

Madonna, if you are listening, let me tell you something about the kind of books I’m going to read to my children and the kind of people they are written by. They are NOT written by washed up pop singers who, in a last gasp attempt to reclaim a small piece of her once proud popularity, kiss a 21-year-old girl on basic cable. They are NOT written by women who couldn’t pronounce ‘Kabbalah’ three years ago, yet claim to be strict students of it. In a word, Madonna, they are NOT written by you. I’ll quote Jack, “Go sell crazy some place else. We’re all stocked up here.”

I get down on my knees every day and thank God that next week is “Première Week” for new Fall programming. The networks aren’t even showing reruns anymore. The summer was devoid of all my favorite shows in their repeats. I like reality TV as much as the next gal, but come on. You guys have to have something (read: anything) else in the coffers. 90% of this stuff is total trash. And not the good kind of trash either, like “Temptation Island.” But the bad kind of trash, like “Big Brother” or “The View.”

Hey, speaking of morning talk shows, Matt Lauer, you need to do something to stem your hair loss. I turned on “Today” last week. When you go to the barber, what do you say to him? “Um, just snip the scissors above my head for about 10 minutes and I’ll pay you”? I haven’t seen anyone lose their hair that quickly since Mr. Bigglesworth. Let that be a reminder to you that this organization will not tolerate failure.

If there ever comes a day that I get on this train and someone taps me on the shoulder and says, “Those bags you are carrying look heavy. Why don’t you take my seat?” I might just die on the spot. If I manage to avoid a heart attack, I’ll marry that person. Even if they are a woman.

Lisa Grover is originally from Long Island, New York, but she tells people she's from Canada. She has two tattoos and, no, you cannot see them. She does not appreciate jokes about blue furry Muppets or President Cleveland.