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Literary Hoopla
Friday, October 31, 2003   |    Fiction

The Bone-Chilling, Spine-Tingling, Hair-Raising, Bloodcurdling Hallowe'en House of Horror

A Hallowe’en Message from Dr. Demento

Demento, M.D.Howdy, ghouls and boys! And a special spooky, scary, creepy Helloooo to all my scarily dwindling audience of listeners!

As an outdated radio personality whom nobody really pays any attention anymore, except for maybe “Weird Al” Yankovic and “Grampa” Al Lewis, I love the zany, wacky, zaniness of Hallowe’en. Hallowe’en is a special holiday in which we summon up the evil spirits from beyond to provide us with a night of zany, wacky mayhem! In the spirit of the holiday, I thought I should provide you with a couple of tips that will really help you maximize your enjoyment and make this a thrilling Hallowe’en to remember. As a single, lonely man with nothing else to hang my hat on, this is really important to me. O.K., let’s get the fun started!

— Nothing says Hallowe’en fun like a good scary mask! A few old-time favorites are Dracula, the Wolf-Man, and Tara Reid on the morning after. Mwaa-ha-ha-ha!

— If you are going to set up a haunted house in your home, it might be best to skip the “Touch and Feel” room. This got Dr. Demento branded a sex offender in three states! Ohhhh, scary, scary!

— When the children come around to collect candy, make sure you warm up your audience with a spooky tale of the macabre. An old Dr. Demento favorite is the time I met my sinister ex-wife in a spooky bar out by Modesto. She was a witch if there ever was one. She put a curse on Dr. Demento’s bank account that made all his money disappear.

— The music makes the holiday. Some frightening, harrowing Hallowe’en classics include “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett, “Thriller” by Michael Jackson, “Spooky” by Classics IV, and “My Heart Will Go On” by Céline Dion. Oooooh!! I can feel the chills up my back on that last one.

— Stay away from the phrase “There’s a monster in my pants.” This added Dr. Demento to three more states’ sex-offender lists.

These are just some of the many tips that will help you make this Hallowe’en a night to remember. Take it from me, Dr. Demento!