A Slice of Heaven
We all know that God is all-powerful, all-mighty, all-knowing and all-seeing. But there are a few things that we don’t know about God. Take this trip to Heaven with me and meet the man behind the Bible. Though God technically is not a man, we’ll refer to Him as such because we’re a shallow, chauvinistic society and I don’t want to piss off the Pope. He insists upon introduction, that people call Him “J,” presumably short for “Jehovah,” though He refuses to elaborate. Many people, including all twelve apostles, insist that He’s an intensely private and guarded man even with people that He has known for millennia, opening up fully to few people. Peter said to me, “God really doesn’t want to many people to know everything about Him. He’s especially shy of His naked body. I’ve told Him time and time again that no one cares what He looks like, but He still won’t take His shirt off at the beach.”
We walked along the banks of a river in an undisclosed section of Heaven (the most God would say of the locale was that it was a place He liked to visit to consider thoughts of His early work). I was knocked unconscious on the ride over and disoriented for the first few minutes after awakening. During the day that I spent with Him, God was very kind and relented to questions spanning a wide range of topics, but He insisted that there were a few subjects that He did not want to touch. “Ask me about anything,” He said, “but I won’t talk about the Punic Wars. The word just makes me uncomfortable. Also, nothing about Liza. I have tickets to her concert next week and I don’t want to be spoiled.” And ask I did. I asked God about everything that came to mind, including who He liked in the National Football League’s Week 7 and the meaning of life. God was candid: “The Jets have a couple of tough games on the road. I think they’ll be fine against the Texans,” He said and gave a knowing wink.
He’s not all work, though. God has hobbies. He’s a scratch golfer, though He admits, “I have a slice that I just can’t straighten without the ol’ ‘Hand of God.’ Don’t tell Satan though. We’re on for next week. Your soul is riding on it.” When I laughed, God deadpanned, “Don’t worry, it’s a dry heat.” He is a man of humor. God also has a sensitive side; He loves the arts and dabbles in painting. Lately, He’s into abstract. “I love Jackson Pollack. His use of color is absolutely astounding. I only wish I could evoke the same sorts of feelings in my work.” I asked Him if He had any desire to work professionally as an artist. “Any artist wants his work to be appreciated, but I’m mostly in it for the chicks.”
God has been married once. It’s a union that He’s reluctant to discuss, even after all of these years. “She was a wonderful woman, but we were very different in a lot of ways. I’m very career-minded. I focus a lot of time and energy on work. In the end, I guess I didn’t have enough left for her. We tried to make it work, though.” You could tell that He still cared for her deeply. I asked Him if He did. “Oh, yes. We still speak. I think she cares for me deeply, as well.” He paused for a moment, solemnly. “We’re better as friends. I’ve mellowed over the years,” He says serenely, “With age comes a greater wisdom. I was capricious in creating this world. It was a pet project. Perhaps, if I had the experience I have now, I might not have expelled [Adam and Eve] from the Garden. Who knows? Live and learn, right?” Still He says He works “tirelessly, but I leave some time for the finer things in life. My art, some music, a fine wine, a good piece of ass. These are things that are not to be overlooked.”
I learned a great deal from God that day, during Our time together. I had one last question for Him, before He put me down for the ride back. “God, if you had it to do all over again, what would you do differently?” He paused. Then a smile crept across His face. “I’d have given everyone a third nipple. You have no idea how funny that looks.”