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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Cautionary Tales for Teens

  1. When opening a condom, never tear the wrapper completely in two. You will not notice the narrow strip left behind on the floor, but someone else will.
  2. You only have one condom, because you had to pool resources with a couple of friends to get a three-pack, and then played rock-paper-scissors to decide who had to actually go and buy them. So make sure you know which way is up. You cannot put it on inside out, and if you try, you’ll be out of luck.
  3. Long story short: a friend’s dad used to skip school when he was in, like, eighth grade. He and his buddy used to hang out at the sawmill where Portuguese labourers would get them drunk on cheap wine. One thing led to another, and he lost all the toes on one foot. Learn from this what you will.
  4. It may seem like a good idea to add carbon monoxide capsules to the paper bag of flaming doggie-doo you are planning to leave on the principal’s doorstep, but it is not. It is a very, very bad idea. [Hint: Ka-boom. — Ed. ]
  5. This girl Marnie? She started smoking because her friends were doing it. Then they decided it was “uncool,” and it turned out that none of them even inhaled, so they had no trouble quitting. Marnie didn’t know this. Now Marnie is alone and has yellow fingers and teeth.
  6. Kegs need pumps. Do not steal one without the other! [Hint: Ka-boom. — Ed. ]

    Jennifer Amey is struggling to overcome geekiness in Toronto. Andrew Beer is the only person she has ever met who actually liked high school because he was popular.