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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Cliffster Notes

Frankenstein by M.S.:
A scientist builds a person. The built person kills the scientist’s family and friends because after he got built, the scientist freaked out and ran away like a little pansy-ass coward, and now the built man feels so sad and neglected that he wants to kill people. He asks the scientist to build him a woman because he’s horny. The scientist does, but she gets killed. Then the built person kills himself. The end.

Crime and Punishment by F.D.:
A man kills a woman because she was a bitch and the world would be a better place without her. Then after he kills her, he thinks, “I guess she wasn’t that bad” and he feels guilty. It turns out that he can’t deal with killing people because he’s a pussy. So he turns himself in. The end.

Dune by F.H.:
A boy who can see the future moves to a desert planet. The people on the planet are religious freaks. They think he is the messiah because they’re all insane from not drinking enough water. And their eyes are all blue and strange from eating too much spicy food. There is a second boy on another planet who is raised by a really fat old man. Both boys like to kill people. The former boy kills the latter boy. The end.

Pride and Prejudice by J.A.:
A prejudice girl meets a prideful man. It turns out that that’s the recipe for love. The end.

The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R.T.:
A hobbit gets a ring. He meets a bunch of strange people, like humans and wizards and dwarves and elves and fairies and shit like that. They want to help him take the ring to Mount Doom. The hobbit says, “It’s just a little ring, I can take it myself,” and they say, “We shall protect you!” and the hobbit says, “Whatever.” Then the strange people desert him. So he says, “Fuck you guys, I didn’t need you anyway!” But his friend Sam who follows him around like a pestering brat goes with him. He ends up taking the ring to Mount Doom and then he throws it into a big mess of burning lava or some shit. And all the strange people that deserted him get into a bunch of wars with each other. The end.

Ulysess by J.J.:
A man wakes up in the morning. He goes out and does stuff during the day. Then he comes home at night. The end.

The Stand by S.K.:
A lot of people get sick and die from an unexplained virus. Like about 95% of America. Then, 50% of the remaining 5% that survived the virus go to Boulder and the other 50% of the remaining 5% that survived the virus go to Vegas. A nuclear bomb kills 98% of the 50% that went to Vegas of the 5% that survived the virus. The end.

Gravity’s Rainbow by T.P.:
A man’s testicles were altered so that every time he ejaculated, a rocket would soar through the air and kill a small village of people. He ran around and fucked a lot of women. The end.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K.R.:
A boy is a wizard. His aunt and uncle think he is a freak. He goes away to school and meets some other child wizard freaks and makes friends with them. They solve a mystery like Scooby-Doo. Then he comes back home. The end.

The Scarlet Letter by N.H.:
A woman cheats on her husband. Her village thinks she is just a little slut so they punish her. She wears a red A on her tits until she dies. The end.

Darby Larson is an artist, engineer, writer, reader, TV watcher, chess player, computer hacker, red wine drinker, seafood eater, aspiring horologist, car driver, bed sleeper, sleep dreamer, trend setter, rock star, politician, marine biologist, N.B.A. All-Star, Alaskan trout fisherman, Indian shaman, Darbosco Greek god for the clinically insane, vacuum-cleaner salesman, husband, human. His works have appeared at here and here,, and He occasionally tinkers with a Web site, Darby is waving at you right now. Hi! Please wave back.