Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Gross Domestic Product:
$373.2 billion (2002 est.)

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Gute Himmel, haben Sie einen reizenden Busen. Mag ich ihn berühren?
Good heavens, you have a lovely bosom. May I touch it?

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Thursday, October 30, 2003   |    Fiction

Elizabeth Smart: The Christopher Monks Interview

by Christopher Monks.

MONKS: Hi, Elizabeth.


MONKS: How are you doing?

SMART: I’m good.

MONKS: You mean ‘well.’

SMART: What?

MONKS: It’s ‘I’m well,’ not ‘I’m good.’ That’s the correct way to say it.

SMART: Oh, right. Sorry.

MONKS: No biggie. I’m something of a stickler for proper English.


MONKS: So how have things been?

SMART: Things have been great.

MONKS: Oh yeah, how so?

SMART: Well, it’s just good being home with my family and friends.

MONKS: Man, don’t I know it. I hate being away from my home and family for a long period of time.

SMART: Yes, it’s tough.

MONKS: Especially during football season. Sunday just isn’t Sunday when you can’t watch football in the comfort of your own home. I love veging out in front of the tube in my sweatpants watching the games. Sometimes I even breakout a Fudgesicle and go wild. You know what I mean?

SMART: Not really.

MONKS: Well, whatever then.



MONKS: So, John Ritter. Thoughts? Reflections?

SMART: It was sad that he died.

MONKS: Yes, it was.


MONKS: Anything else?

SMART: About what?

MONKS: John Ritter.


MONKS: That’s it?

SMART: I really never watched any of his shows.

MONKS: You’re kidding me?

SMART: No, I’m not.

MONKS: You’re fucking kidding me?

SMART: No, I’m not.

MONKS: Whatever.


MONKS: Well, like, my next seven questions were about John Ritter. So now I’m sort of screwed.


MONKS: Thanks.

SMART: Sorry.

MONKS: Whatever.

SMART: I’m really sorry.

MONKS: You think you could just play along and pretend you’re a big John Ritter fan?

SMART: You want me to pretend I’m a John Ritter fan?

MONKS: Yeah, I figure I have a better chance selling this interview if I hit two birds with one stone. You know, you and John Ritter.

SMART: Oh, I don’t think I can—

MONKS: You remember the episode in “Three’s Company” when Jack Tripper brings home a little puppy but Mr. Roper doesn’t like dogs so Jack, Chrissy, and Joyce DeWitt’s character spend the whole show trying to hide the dog from Mr. Roper?

SMART: No, I don’t.

MONKS: I know, but say you do.

SMART: Yes, I remember that show.

MONKS: I don’t believe you.

SMART: What?

MONKS: Say you remember the show like you mean it.

SMART: I loved that episode! It was funny.

MONKS: Yes, it was really funny. Ritter was a genius of physical comedy.

SMART: Yes, he was.

MONKS: Really?

SMART: What?

MONKS: You really think he was a genius of physical comedy or are you just playing along?

SMART: I’m just playing along.

MONKS: I thought so. Still, that was pretty good. You had me there for a second.

SMART: Thanks, I guess.

MONKS: No problem. So what do you think about those conjoined twins? Think they’ll lead happy lives after their surgery?

SMART: God willing.

MONKS: What’s that supposed to mean?

SMART: I mean if it’s God’s will they’ll survive and be happy.


SMART: I hope they live happily, of course.

MONKS: Yeah, me too.



(Long pause.)

MONKS: O.K., that’s it; I’m tapped. Thanks for the interview.

SMART: You’re welcome.

MONKS: Best of luck with the rest of your life.

SMART: Thanks.



MONKS: Oh, before I go, would you sign this veil and gown made from a bed sheet for me?


MONKS: I made it myself.


MONKS: I was going to sell it on eBay.

SMART: I’m sorry, I can’t.

MONKS: For charity.

SMART: I won’t sign them.

MONKS: O.K., no biggie. Thought it was at least worth a shot.

SMART: Whatever.

MONKS: So, bye again.

SMART: Bye again.

Christopher Monks works hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. So hard for the money so you better treat him right…What’s a matter? You don’t believe he works that hard? Well, who are you to judge? Are you Judgey McJudge or something? Wait, are you? No, really; tell me. I want to know. I’ve heard about Judgey McJudge and from all reports I understand it’s best not to cross him. So in the chance that you are Judgey McJudge, I apologize and please don’t eat my cat. If you’d like to see how Christopher Monks works hard for the money, visit his Web site Utter Wonder.