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October 30, 2003

If We Were Marvel Comics, She'd Win a No-Prize

from: Monica G. Staples [mstaples@partners.org]
to:: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org]
subject: Birthday letter to Rachael Leigh Cook

The answer could have been lobster too.

October 28, 2003

Cautionary Tales for Teens

1. When opening a condom, never tear the wrapper completely in two. You will not notice the narrow strip left behind on the floor, but someone else will.
2. You only have one condom, because you had to pool resources with a couple of friends to get a three-pack, and then played rock-paper-scissors to decide who had to actually go and buy them. So make sure you know which way is up. You cannot put it on inside out, and if you try, you'll be out of luck.
3. Long story short: a friend's dad used to skip school when he was in, like, eighth grade. He and his buddy used to hang out at the sawmill where Portuguese labourers would get them drunk on cheap wine. One thing led to another, and he lost all the toes on one foot. Learn from this what you will.
4. It may seem like a good idea to add carbon monoxide capsules to the paper bag of flaming doggie-doo you are planning to leave on the principal's doorstep, but it is not. It is a very, very bad idea. [Hint: Ka-boom. -- Ed. ]
5. This girl Marnie? She started smoking because her friends were doing it. Then they decided it was "uncool," and it turned out that none of them even inhaled, so they had no trouble quitting. Marnie didn't know this. Now Marnie is alone and has yellow fingers and teeth.
6. Kegs need pumps. Do not steal one without the other! [Hint: Ka-boom. -- Ed. ]

   October 26, 2003

   For the Record, That's Not Why We're Pissed at Ourselves

   from: Mike and Julie Kronen [unme2@comcast.net]
   to:: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org]
   subject: Skin Project
   
   Aren't you all cool?!? Someone comes up with a creative venue of expression and it seems you all are more pissed at yourselves for not thinking of it first.
   
   Tsk Tsk.
   

   October 16, 2003

   Pot Roast Is for Lovers

   from: Garry [Gmansduc@aol.com]
   to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org]

   Hello, Y.P.R., my name is Garry (36), was looking for a good pot roast. Found. Whoever wrote the recipe is a true romantic and won me over.
   

   October 14, 2003

   Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Erotica

   The English “Roses” by Madonna
   
   The Maladroit Vicar & the Impenetrable Bodice
   
   I've Got the Hots for Lorraine
   
   Who Wants to Fuck a Millionaire? You Gold-Diggin' Whore.
   
   Yo Deseo Entrer Sus Pantalones
   
   Well-Hung Jewish Men (a Novella)
   
   Sex Me Up, Sex Me Down
   
   Amish Passion
   
   How to Be a Sexy Old Bag by K. Cattrall
   
   I'm Going Upstairs to Fuck Your Grandma and Other Really, Really Creepy Stories
   
   The Hole in the Bucket, and Other Inventive Names for the Vagina
   
   God Can See You Touching Yourself
   
   I Like It When You Press Your Thumb against My Navel . . . : A Guide to Unconventional Erogenous Zones
   
   Robert Mapplethorpe's Photographic Guide to Blunt Objects and the Rectum
   
   Naked Pictures of Famous People with Hats and Dogs
   
   You and Me and Your Sisters Make Four
   
   Go NADS!: An In-Depth Look at Your Respective Private Parts
   
   Transexual Healing by Marvin Gay
   
   Knuckleballz!
   
   Ankle Biters Are People Too
   
   Dude Looks Like a Lady, for Real, Yo
   
   Your Mom Is Hot
   
   Swim, Swim, Swim Little Spippy: How Daddy's Sperm Gets into Mommy's Ovaries to Make You a Baby Brother or Sister
   
   How Poppa's Jizz and Mamma's Pachooch Makes Another Mouth to Feed
   
   Horny and Hungry: Why Jell-O Really Is the Perfect Food
   
   One Drunken Night . . . : The Girls of Smith College Tell All
   
   More Horny and Hungry: Jell-O in the Kitchen, Jell-O in the Bedroom
   
   Horny and Hungry 3: Jell-O in the Park
   
   Pamela and Tommy Lee's Adventures with a Polaroid That they Claim the Kid at the Photomat Lost: a Photojournal
   
   7th Floor of the College Library in the Biochemistry Section
   
   We're Gonna Get Freaky by William F. Buckley Jr.
   
   “Wow, Judge Judy Is Hot” and Other Things I Wish I Hadn't Said out Loud
   
   Sex and Sexability by Jane Austen
   
   The "English" Roses by Madonna
   
   Hung Like A . . .
   
   Tit-Fuck Frenzy: the Novel that Inspired the Film
   
   Humpbacks, Sperm Whales, Bottle-nosed Dolphins: Aquatic Beasts with Head Holes

   October 07, 2003

   Omit Needless Words

   I'm in love with my mother.

   October 03, 2003

   Terms of Endearment

   NICKNAMES I HAVE FOR MY GIRLFRIEND’S CHA-CHA

   Ruth
   Dolores
   Vera
   Bessie
   Gina
   Enid
   Gladys
   Pilar
   Delicious Mushpuff
   Mary-Ann
   Ann-Marie
   Indira
   Fred
   Gwendolyn
   Hoobastank
   Imelda
   Basement Jaxx
   Cheech
   Chong
   Sweet & Lowdown

   NICKNAMES MY GIRLFRIEND HAS FOR MY MANHOOD

   Roger
   Harvey Penis
   Penie P. Penisson III
   Calvin Bigrod
   Doc
   Mr. Majestic
   Orlando
   Thor
   Galactus
   Señor Hugecocko
   Dr. Dick
   Seamus O’Monstercock
   Thumper (?)
   Rock
   Grandpa Murray(??)
   U-571

   NICKNAMES I HAVE FOR MY GIRLFRIEND’S YAMMIES

   Who-Whos
   Wa-Was
   Yobbieyobbies
   Pachangas
   Maracas
   Bloopie Doopies
   Jumblies
   Flibbie Flabbies
   Blub blubs
   Ploop Ploops
   Wonga Wongas
   Dollies
   Sacco & Vanzetti
   Pibby Pabbys
   Blumpy Dumpies
   Two Tenors
   Jan & Dean
   Steve & Edie
   Glorpy Blorpies
   Uday & Qusay
   Paris & Nicky
   Mary-Kate & Ashley
   Serena & Venus
   Tiki & Ronde

   NICKNAMES MY GIRLFRIEND HAS FOR MY APPENDECTOMY SCAR

   Cronky.
   Philbert
   Jebediah
   Brocktoon
   That looks infected.

   NICKNAMES I HAVE FOR MY GIRLFRIEND’S UNSIGHTLY MOLE

   Marilyn
   Cindy
   Hairy Mary
   Bernie Mac
   Globule
   Molero
   Molson twin
   Mephistopheles
   Molarity/Molality
   Hortense

   NICKNAMES MY GIRLFRIEND HAS FOR ME BASED ON MY IMPRESSIVE SEXUAL STAMINA

   “Marathon Man”
   Speedy
   Dasher
   Boy Racer
   Zippy
   Quick-Draw
   Premature Ejackson 5
   Hey, who’s chasing you?
   Shrimpy
   Skimpy
   Wimpy
   Pansy
   Pussy
   Chump
   You're faster than a Kenyan on crystal meth, I mean, seriously.
   Mini-Me

   NICKNAMES I HAVE FOR MY GIRLFRIEND’S FAT FUCKING THIGHS

   Logs
   Trunks
   Cottage-Cheesy Yuckies
   Thumps
   Dumps
   I thought you were going to the gym
   Trucks
   Tanks
   I’m just saying…
   Totems
   Redwoods
   Really, get off the freakin’ couch, woman.
   You used to be so skinny and smooth
   You’re turning into your mother
   You nag like her also
   And by the way, those low-riser jeans are frightening small children and dogs
   Have some self-respect, you fat sow
   I know you slept with Greg

   NICKNAMES MY GIRLFRIEND HAS FOR MY FAT STUPID FACE SHE WANTS TO SMASH WITH A GODDAMN IRON

   I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, you miserable prick
   I hope you rot in hell for all eternity
   You stupid asshole, did you think my own sister wouldn't tell me what you did?
   In your car? In your car?? You're a real fucking asshole.
   Ughh.
   I can't believe I even went out with you.
   Pervert.
   And I saw you looking at my cousin. She’s 15, you sick bastard.
   Fucking pervy freak.
   That’s it. We’re through. Honestly, don't ever talk to me again.
   Okay, fine, one last mercy/breakup fuck, then it’s over, Harvey Penis.
   Chump.