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New Shows: Coupling: More like Crapling! That new show with Luis Guzmán: I don’t really get “ethnic” humor. I do like salsa, though, so I gave it a shot. The result: muy crappola. Besides, there’s too many Spanish people on…

More New TV Shows Premièring This Week

Gay-Themed Teleision Shows Premièring on Bravo Really Flamboyantly Queer Eye for Queer Guys that Are Only Moderately Queer Homo See, Homo Do How’s Your Gaydar?: A Game Show Gays A-Poppin’ Want To Have A Fag? (a British import) 8…

Polish Fact

Polish-American Athletes
Carol Blazejowski (G.M., N.Y. Liberty)
Tom Gola (Forward, Philadelphia Warriors, N.Y. Knicks)
Sebastian "Sea Bass" Janikowski (Oakland Raiders)
Ron "Jaws" Jaworski (QB, L.A. Rams, Philadelphia Eagles)
Hank Stram (Coach, Kansas City Chiefs)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Golpéeme, bebé, una más vez.
Hit me, baby, one more time.

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Literary Boondoggle
Thursday, October 2, 2003   |    Fiction

Fall Première Week

My Sitcom Pitch to a Guy in the Elevator Who I’m Pretty Sure Was NBC President Jeff Zucker, Despite His Insistence to the Contrary

Say, aren’t you Jeff Zucker?


Yes, you are! You’re NBC President Jeff Zucker!

“Me llamo Hector.”

Jeff Zucker in an elevator with me! Hot damn! The PRESIDENT of NBC! Goodness!

“My name is Hector, señor, sir. I work in a liquor store.”

O.K., Hector. [wink, wink] You gotta hear this idea. This idea is so hot shit, you’ll just die. O.K., get this: It’s called “Schmitty & Co.” Working title. You got this guy Schmitty, right? He’s a cop. A real loner. Tough guy. His partner is a hilariously mismatched black guy rookie, fast-talkin’ and super-sassy. Only, one day they find out. Schmitty and the Black Guy are brothers! Think Rush Hour meets “NYPD Blue” meets Money Train. Ha, ha, ha, it’s great, right? I know, but wait—it gets better. The Black Guy gets his house burned down by vandals or something and shows up on Schmitty’s doorstep. Now poor Schmitty has to live with his hilariously mismatched partner. You got the whole Lethal Weapon thing at work, and the Felix and Oscar thing at home.

“In Lethal Weapon, señor, the black guy was the straight man, and the white guy was the comic relief.”

O.K. whatever, just shut up and hear me out, “Hector.” Anyway, Schmitty has O.C.D., so he’s constantly washing his hands and locking the doors and stuff. And the Black Guy is a compulsive gambler and he likes hookers and he’s always got some get-rich-quick scheme. You can imagine the chaos that ensues. Also, they have a wacky neighbor named Gregor. And a meddling old aunt. Gregor is a Ukrainian refugee who can’t hold a steady job so he cleans Schmitty and the Black Guy’s gutters. Of course, Schmitty is compulsive about his gutters, so he goes up there and cleans them all over again. And the aunt, she’s this old boozehound always talking about the good old days in, like, 1920 or whatever. Also, there’s this plumber guy who just sort of hangs around with Gregor. And the aunt, she’s always got a new boyfriend each week, and maybe they’ll all be famous actors making cameos, or whatever. Oh, by the way, Gregor, he’s also, like, a madcap inventor, and he builds a robot butler named H.A.N.S. So you have this huge cast of colorful supporting characters, right? And all these people keep getting thrown out of their apartments by their spouses or evicted for rent in arrears or whatever, the point is, they keep showing up at Schmitty’s door. And Schmitty, raised Catholic, is basically a good guy under that gruff exterior, so he cannot turn them away. He takes all these people in! Oh, the hilarity. Anyway, one day Schmitty’s Russian mail-order bride shows up! Svetlana. But she falls in love with Gregor, because they’ve got that ex-Soviet connection. But Gregor’s devoted to his work – building things – so eventually Svetlana falls in love with the funny Black Guy. And then the meddling aunt. And then Gregor again. Then the plumber dude. Then the robot. We can keep her romances revolving every season, just like Rachel on “Friends,” except this time, she’s Russian. The point is, she’s in love with everybody except Schmitty, her mail-orderer husband.


Well, eventually, they send for Svetlana’s identical-triplet sisters, Oksana and Karina. Nobody can tell the girls apart except H.A.N.S. because he’s got very precise gauges. Anyway, there’s finally enough hot Russian tail to go around, but still none of them love Schmitty! Oh, this thing is just roiling with lunatic possibilities!

“I tink de elebator ees stuck.”

I pressed ‘Stop.’

”You canna keep me preesoner!”

Come on, this idea is great and will makes us all rich. Eh, Mr. Zucker? I mean, “Hector.” This thing is a cash cow!

Sigh. “That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. It’s seriously retarded.”

Well, you know, it was sort of inspired by this British show called “Snoogeldy Poogeldy.”

“O.K. Sold”