Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Local long-form name:
Rzeczpospolita Polska
(The Republic of Poland)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
Mein Milchshake holt alle Jungen zum Yard.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

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Monday, October 6, 2003   |    Fiction

Random Selections from the ‘H’ Volume of the Encyclopedia

by Pierre Cavanaugh

Horse is a large, four-legged animal that, when sat upon and led by a Carnie with three teeth, will take you around a foul, dung-filled, rotting path for just 3 dollars.

Hokey Pokey is a silly stupid game/dance/activity for retards in which you are instructed by a Hokemaster to extend a named limb into a circle formed by other Pokesters. I mean, seriously, who invented this thing? Even three-year-olds are bored by its insipid structure. And what’s up with that song? I mean, really.

Hookah is the Arabic word for “3-foot bong.” Hookahs are commonly found in college dorm rooms beside Sony Playstations and empty bags of sour-cream-and-onion-flavored potato chips.

Hampton, Lionel, is a man that plays the vibraphone. I don’t know what the vibraphone is and I’m not sure if Lionel Hampton is still alive. But if you like the vibraphone, then you should check out Lionel Hampton, that is, if he’s still alive.

Hell’s Angels are a group of fat, sweaty bikers that ride around the country doing drugs, raping teenagers, and shooting police officers, though not necessarily in that order. They often have many tattoos.

Hammer is a tool that I use to break my thumb. Goddamn it, that fucking hurts.

Hamptons, the, are beaches located on the farthest reaches of Long Island, in New York State, where celebrities own million-dollar estates and young, professional New Yorkers pool 50 bucks apiece to squeeze by the dozen into time-shared rooms. The Hamptons were once the most fashionable getaway spot, then became passé, then cool again, then kind of sucky. Hampton was also the name of Porky Pig’s protégé on “Tiny Toon Adventures.”

Ham radio is a fad sweeping the nation like wildfire. Kids are ditching their Pokémon and Playstations, and teenagers have stopped having sex and doing drugs just to play with their ham radios. It’s probably the catchy jargon that lures them in, but it’s the rusty, hands-on mechanics that keeps them coming back for more.

Holistic medicine is a fake discipline by which shysters and conmen, posing as healers, dupe unsuspecting housewives and other gullible saps easily influenced by the soothing voice and three-syllable words of a madman into purchasing things that could be found and bottled in their own backyards. I WANT MY MONEY BACK, YOU THIEVING RAT-BASTARD QUACK!

Hangover is what happens when four cocktails turn into fourteen on a night that I really didn’t want to go out drinking at all, but found myself drinking Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle at 3:30 in the morning with a woman who looked suspiciously like a man in a biker bar off Interstate 78.

Hatchback is a small, compact car with an opening tailgate, built in the shape of Danny DeVito.

Honda is the Japanese word for “We’re going to take over your lazy American automobile industry.”

Hyundai (see: Honda)

Herpes is not what this festering pustule that you see on my lip is, O.K.? That’s just a cold sore. I don’t have herpes, I swear.

Hippopotamus is a big fat creature with bucked teeth and wide nostrils that lays around in mud puddles all day. Just like Rush Limbaugh.

Hester Prynne was the loosest chick in all of colonial New England. She was characterized by a giant red letter ‘A’. A for Awesome.

Humpty Dumpty was a big rotund egg-like fellow who sat on a wall. Humpty Hump was a rapper with a prosthetic nose who asked all the other D.J.s if he was allowed to “bump thee.” Both Humptys incurred incredibly rapid falls.

Hot dogs are a delicious treat created by squishing together various parts of animals and squeezing the mushed up mash into a sock-like tube of synthetic animal intestines. They are allowed to contain up to 2% rat shit. They are tasty, tasty, tasty. Hooray for hot dogs!

Heavy D is a big, fat black man who inquired, upon finding love, what we should do with it.

Homo sapiens are people.

Homosexuals are gay people, which, apparently, are all the rage on TV these days.

Hummus is yucky Middle Eastern glop. It is made from the chickpea, which is the spawn of Satan himself. Yechh, hummus.

Happy Meals are the tools by which a gigantic global corporation seeks to impose its will upon defenseless children by including toys with carcinogenic, addictive junk food.

Hemp is good for making rope, paper and fuel. Is it also good for other things (See: Hookah) Noted actor Woody Harrelson is made entirely of hemp.

Ho bag” is what you should never, ever, call your girlfriend, even in the midst of a passionate lovers’ quarrel, because she will likely stab you in the chest with a fork, thereby leaving a permanent scar, and ruining your brand-new shirt. Trust me.

Pierre Cavanaugh can be seen on Provo's public-access Channel 6 on Sunday mornings, where he hosts his very own cable show called "Cavanaugh's Corner," a talk/variety show in homage to his favorite musical group, Dawn (feat. Tony Orlando). He doesn't believe in society's conventions and, as such, refuses to put his pants on one leg at a time. He sits on his bed, puts both legs in, slides the pants up to the base of his ass, jumps off the bed and yanks his pants up to his waist. He buttons them to conclude the process, but frequently forgets to zipper his fly. He lives in suburban Draper, Utah, with his wife and infant son. (Don't think he missed the opportunity to make a bigamy joke here. He simply passed on it, but feel free to make one yourself.)