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Monday, November 17, 2003   |    Fiction

A Plea to the People of Northern Vermont

by Brian Hughes

My fellow Northern Vermonters,

I, Edward Higgins, write to you today to ask for your support; to support me, and to support my legislative body, and to ignore the stones cast at me by your “Representative” Avi Schumacher and his hateful followers. As your legitimately elected member of the House of Representatives, I believe it is in the best interest of everyone from Burlington to Montpelier that these issues be dealt with post haste.

Let me start by saying that the group that Mr. Schumacher is a part of is not, I repeat NOT, the House of Representatives. Furthermore, those people that Mr. Schumacher claims to be “making laws” with are NOT representatives from other states.

I fully understand why some of you may still believe that Mr. Schumacher is your representative. After all, he did use his many powerful media connections to falsely report that, not only that did he easily win the election, but also that I have joined forces with a group of fellow election-night losers and some local transients to form an unfit, renegade governing body. These reports couldn’t be farther from the truth. I won the election and it was, in fact, Mr. Schumacher who called me to concede. I will now share with you the transcript of that conversation as recorded by my Undersecretary of the Interior, retired Army Rear Admiral and 1993 world Scrabble championship runner-up, Andres Jaregui:

Schumacher: Hey, Edward, I just wanted to tell you that I concede to you the election, which you won decisively.

Me: Why thanks, Avi, I really appreciate that.

Schumacher: No problem, I mean I didn’t have much of a chance anyway given my spotty record and your ruggedly handsome good looks.

Me: Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Schumacher: No really I mean it, the better man won. Heck, I’ll come right out and say it: the best man won. I know you are going to do great things for Northern Vermont.

Me: Thanks again.

Schumacher: No need to thank me. It’s been a pleasure just knowing you. I love you.

Now I am sure some of you are thinking, “That seems like a clearly fabricated conversation.” Those same people are probably also thinking “If he’s our real Rep, then why does his Congress operate out of a hotel in downtown Baltimore while Representative Schumacher works at the Capitol?” To those people, I ask, if my Congress—operating out of the beautiful Downtown Baltimore Holiday Inn—isn’t real, than why is it called “the Real Congress”? Only my group of Representatives is known as “the Real Congress.” If Mr. Schumacher’s Congress is so reputable and legitimate, then why doesn’t it include the word “real” in its moniker? Could it be because Mr. Schumaker’s “Congress” is actually not real, but fake? Mr. Schumacher works on Capitol Hill, that much is true. But do a pretty white building and some hard-to-duplicate security passes make a legitimate representative body? In my opinion, they sure don’t.

When it comes right down to it, my fellow Northern Vermonters, you have a decision to make: Do you recognize the lawmaking powers of a man working with a body whose name itself connotes truth? A man who graciously accepted a concession phone call from his opponent? A man whose smile has been described as “good enough to eat” by the former supermodel Twiggy? Or do you recognize the laws made by a man who conceded an election, a man who works for an organization without the word real anywhere near its title, a man whose breath has been described as “tomato juice with a hint of broccoli” by a high-ranking White House official? The decision, Northern Vermonters, is clear.

Yours in Freedom,
Edward Higgins

P.S. The Real Congress is now equipped with almost fully operational lasers. Can Mr. Schumacher’s group make that claim?

Brian Hughes hires and fires security personnel for a living. He assures you it is just as exciting as it sounds. He is however, wild and unpredictable and would make a tremendously tittilating morning show host. He enjoys using words that are spelt with multiple Ts.