First and Last Paragraphs of a College-Admissions Essay that Didn’t Get My Niece into Dartmouth Like She Wanted

by Martin Bell

[First ¶:] As my rugged Timberland boot made contact with the hobo’s grizzled visage, I could feel the aching in my temples. It wasn’t because my fellow ninja recruits had scarred my forehead earlier in our initiation rite. The…

Man-on-the-Street Interviews

Q: Hey, man, I bet you can’t guess what’s in this wrap. A: What? Q: I’ve got a tasty wrap here from the deli/make-your-own-salad place up the block. I bet you can’t guess what’s in it. A: Um. Yeah, I’m…

Happy Birthday, Bo Derek!

Dear Bo, Horse? Check. Beach? Check. Braids? Check. Short British man with alcohol-induced impotency? Check. Music by Ravel? Check. O.K., here’s the deal. I’m shooting, 10: 25 Years Later, and I’d love for you to reprise your role. As you…

The Great Gob in the Sky

by Josh Abraham

Nobody knew for certain what the great gob in the sky was. The town’s elders, advised by a think tank of scientists, declared it a mass of jelly; the pundits, typically critical, argued it was jam. The general populace more…

Commands My Dog Hasn’t Yet Learned

by Amy Shearn

down sauté roll over* left hook drop it French braid crochet rake the leaves handstand heel cogitate defrost make nachos * But almost!…

Are We Having the Same Conversation?

by Lisa Grover

“Hello?” “May I speak with John, please?” “This is John.” “Hi, John. It’s Lucy.” “Hi Lucy. How are you?” “I’m doing pretty well. I’m just recovering from that surgery.” “What? When did you have surgery?” “I had surgery a couple…

Daddy Left Me Alone with God

by Robin Slick

God sprawled on the bed at the Plaza Hotel and strummed His guitar while my father sat at a nearby table and chopped up a couple lines of coke. “Knock it off, You tone-deaf asshole,” said my father. Of course…

Swanton

by Amy Stender

In Which Amy Interviews and Rides with the U.S. Border Patrol

A Plea to the People of Northern Vermont

by Brian Hughes

My fellow Northern Vermonters, I, Edward Higgins, write to you today to ask for your support; to support me, and to support my legislative body, and to ignore the stones cast at me by your “Representative” Avi Schumacher and his…

Yes, or Psoriasis

from: David Meiklejohn [SexNotProms@aol.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: The P in Alex P. Keaton A friend of mine said it stands for Parkinson, but she’s just insensitive. In case you’re still looking, I found this Web site, and if it’s…

Lemmings

by Lisa Grover

“How was the weekend, Phil?” “Not too bad. Went to the in-laws on Saturday. We took the kids to one of those water parks on Sunday.” “We’ve been meaning to take the kids. They just love the water. How was…

The Paris Film: Director’s Commentary

by Rick Salomon

Interestingly enough, Shannen Doherty was our original choice to star in the film, but there was a falling out due to creative differences. We’d been through weeks of intensive rehearsal and had just begun our first night of filming when…

When You Said, “Insensitive Prick,” Were You Talking to Me?

by Pierre Cavanaugh

I’m sorry about that. I was all the way over here and not paying attention. You weren’t referring to me, were you? I cannot see how you could possibly think that. Baby, we’ve been through so much together. Remember that…

Happy Birthday, David Schwimmer!

Dear Schwimmer, Happy 37th birthday! What’s the deal with your hair? It just keeps growing and growing and growing. Pretty soon it’s going to be as big as your head (which we’re comfortable saying is pretty goddamn big). What, can…

What I Hope to Find in Hell

by Darby Larson

Lite Beer Marilyn Monroe A previously unutterable curse word Democracy Vampire bats Baseball bats Pool tables with built-in beer coasters along the rim Soft-core porn More than enough lawyers Ramen noodles Baking-soda toothpaste Andy Kaufman Chia Pets Solicitors Final exams…