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Monday, November 10, 2003   |    Fiction

Why I’ll Never Be Admitted to the New York State Bar Association

by Geoff Wolinetz

1 Elk Street
Albany, N.Y. 12207

November 10, 2003

Dear Mr. Wolinetz,

Thank you for your application for admission to the New York State Bar Association. As you can imagine, we’ve had a lot of applications to review this year. I’d like to first assure you that we go over each and every application with a fine-toothed comb, making sure to document the merits of each candidate. Unfortunately, I’m afraid that we cannot offer you admission at this time.

Upon initial review of your application, your credentials did seem very impressive despite the fact that you opted to complete your application in what appeared to be green crayon. However, upon further inspection of some of the details, we found that almost none of them could be verified. For instance, we could not even find evidence of the existence of a law school called “Nicky’s Academy of Law,” which led the board to believe that you didn’t even attend law school at all. This became abundantly clear when, not only did your passing grade on the bar exam turn out to be fabricated, the only record we have of you even being in the area of the Jacob K. Javits Center on the day of the exam is the record of your arrest for indecent exposure outside of the testing facility. Other facts that didn’t stand up to our verification process:

  • Your article in the American Journal of Law entitled, “Why I Think Marbury v. Madison Is a Load of Horseshit.”
  • Your knighthood in the Order of the British Empire (though the royal family was surprisingly curt when the subject of your name came up).
  • Your game-winning, series-ending home run in Game 6 of the 1993 World Series.
  • Your on-again, off-again relationship with actress Cameron Diaz.
  • Your claim that you argued Brown v. the Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas before the Supreme Court.
  • Strangely, the one thing that proved true was your clerkship under Judge Lance Ito.

    Given these blatant untruths, I’m sure you can understand why we must reject your application. If you decide to go to law school and pass the bar examination that we administer twice a year, please feel free to reäpply. Also, thank you for the handwritten coupons for “One Super-Duper Backrub.” You should expect a call from President A. Thomas Levin in the coming days.


    A. Vincent Buzard, Esq.
    Secretary, New York State Bar Association

    Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.