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Helmets with Horns Are the Best Kind of Helmet

by Bobby Rufferto

“Arg.” “Arg.” “Arg.” “Arg, arg. I hereby call to order the 508th meeting of Viking Local 242. Scribe, if you would please read the minutes of meeting 507?” “Arg. All present; looting up 12%, plundering even, pillaging down 46%—” “Let’s…

I Was a Teenage Snarkist

by Ken Krimstein

It all started in eighth grade when Billy Noodleman wore those paisley bellbottoms. I mean, come on, what was this, “The Brady Bunch,” for God’s sakes? This was the Midwest, land of farmers and hog butchers. I couldn’t help myself….

Polish Fact

Local long-form name:
Rzeczpospolita Polska
(The Republic of Poland)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
Holen Sie mir Ihr feinstes Fleisch und Käse.
Bring me your finest meats and cheeses.

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Thursday, November 6, 2003   |    Fiction


by Geoff Wolinetz

The children were mesmerized. They’d never seen so much candy before and could hardly believe such a magical place existed! Veruca ran off to taste the creamy spots on the toadstools and Violet shook gumballs loose from the gumball tree. Mr. Wonka stood proudly before his garden of edible treats while his freakish midget servants toiled away. Mr. Wonka tapped his cane twice to attract the children’s attention, but when he tried to speak, all that escaped his mouth was a muffled whimper. He fell to the ground with a thud and the children saw the gummi knife sticking up from his back. They were horrified. Charlie addressed the group:

“All right, friends,” he said cheerfully. “Let’s go see if those oompa loompas are made of chocolate also. If not, we’ll kill those dreadful mutant bastards too.”

And the children rejoiced.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.