Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Gross Domestic Product:
$373.2 billion (2002 est.)

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Shock and awe! Mission accomplished! What war?

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Tuesday, December 9, 2003   |    Fiction

13 Things You Can Do with That

by Bobby Rufferto

1. Belt it; cinch it.

2. Give it to your in-laws under the guise of a peace offering and then cram it down their cheapskate throats.

3. Take it for a romantic walk in the park. Enjoy a picnic on the grass with it. Whisper sweet nothings into its ear and gently kiss its neck until it whimpers with pleasure. Then, bring it home and make sweet, sweet love to it the whole night long on your bearskin rug.

4. Grind it up into a mealy paste. Place it in a frying pan for 5 minutes until brown. Lightly marinate it in a red wine sauce for 20 minutes before gently sautéing it. Serves 4-6.

5. Fashion a crude poking device out of it. Sit across the room from your roommate while he is dozing off on the couch and jab him in the midsection about every 5 minutes—hard enough that he stirs, but not hard enough for him to awake fully and realize that it’s you poking him.

6. Bring it to the doctor to find out the origin of the burning sensation when it urinates.

7. Enroll it in a night class at the local community college. A cooking class, or perhaps something about 17th Century French satire. It loves French satire, particularly Molière. Engage it in a brief but tawdry affair with he teacher, a frustrated writer who wears a tweed jacket with patches on the elbows.

8. Teach it to beg, fetch, sit, stay, roll over and play dead. Bring it to the park and have it display these tricks in front of pretty, voluptuous women. Ask them if they’d like to go to your place and play with it.

9. Wander through the shopping mall with it. Bring it to the Gap. Ask an associate where you can find a hat for it.

10. Go to a karaoke bar and sing with it. Some good song ideas include “Copacabana” by Barry Manilow, “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” by Def Leppard, and “I Got You Babe,” by Sonny and Cher. Feed it a couple of drinks to make sure it is loose before it gets on stage.

11. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

12. Take a vacation with it. Depending on the time of year, Italy can be lovely. Rome, Florence, Venice. Take it on a gondola ride, into a Prada store, to the Fontana di Trevi. Don’t forget to take pictures with it. This will be a trip you will want to remember.

13. Two words: hang-gliding.

Bobby Rufferto once broke his jaw on a Jawbreaker. Although it hurt incredibly, he is one to appreciate irony. He has not sued the confectioners. Do you think he should? He's conflicted: on the one hand, it hurt like hell; on the other, he now has a flip-top head which allows him to save money by buying a cheap, generic toothbrush instead of the pricey Reach toothbrush. Also, as a result, he can now entertain party guests by fitting a whole Magic 8-Ball into his mouth and shaking his head for your fortune. While we're on the subject, he did not particularly enjoy the movie Jawbreaker, but he sure digs that Rose McGowen. Oooh, she's naughty. Mr. Rufferto lives in New York, works in New Jersey, and teaches tango lessons in Iowa.