Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Daily Newspapers:
Gazeta Wyborcza
Super Express
Nasz Dziennik

Weekly Magazines:
Wprost (rightwing)
Polityka (leftwing)
Newsweek (Polish edition)
Najwyższy Czas! (rightwing)
Przegląd (leftwing)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Impari L'Italiano
Buone notizie per la gente che ama le notizie difettose.
Good news for people who love bad news.

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Friday, December 19, 2003   |    Fiction

Never Mind the One-Liners

by Henny Youngman*

Neal, it’s almost Christmas and you’ve given me the best gift I could possibly ask for. You never come over anymore.

Seriously though, folks, every night I get into bed, I take off my clothes and I read one of Neal’s books and I laugh myself hysterical. Last night, I got into bed with my clothes on and somehow Neal’s books weren’t funny anymore.

Hey, but look at all the famous people that came out for Neal tonight.

Milton Berle. Miltie, it’s wonderful to see you. Milt can’t stay long. The Texaco team is coming by tomorrow to do his hair.

Phyllis Diller’s here tonight. She thinks we’re having an intervention.

Neal’s really a great guy. His motto is “Love Thy Neighbor.” His neighbor is an 18-year-old Russian hooker.

Ha, ha. I kid.

Neal, Neal, Neal. You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

What I like best about you, Neal, is that you have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

“Greatest living writer?” That’s pretty bold of Neal, calling himself “living.”

Neal, your schtick is over. I haven’t seen something this stale since my nightclub act.

I read your Anthology. You owe me 15 bucks and twenty-six minutes of my life back.

I picked up Never Mind the Pollocks in the bookstore, and I asked the clerk, “How much for the book?” He said “12 dollars.” I said, “How about six?” He said, “I’ll pay it!”

Neal does everything: he writes books, he plays music, he runs a blog. It’s so hard to say what kind of work he’s out of.

But seriously, I miss Neal Pollack’s blog—as often as I can.

Look at you, Neal. You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

I kid, I kid.

Heh? What? What do you mean I’m dead? I can’t be dead—Oh. Oh, I am dead. Shit. That’s really a drag. I was just starting to have a good time tonight.

Take my life. Please.

Ha, ha, what? Nothing?

If I had blood, I’d blush.

Wow, tough crowd.

Well, good night, folks. Looks like I’ve got to return to Hell. Pollack, I’ll save you a seat.

These terrible one-liners have all been misappropriated from actual Henny Youngman routines.

Henny Youngman is a legendary commedian known as "King of the One-Liners." He died in 1998.