Stats for the Neal Pollack
THE NEAL POLLACK
AKA: Blog Monster, Chromatic Neal, Type 15 Pollack
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Urban, coffee shops and other places were bad writers gather
FREQUENCY: Thankfully very rare
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 10
MOVEMENT: 9’ (3’ burrowing)
HIT DICE: 4
% IN LAIR: formerly 99%, these days 2%
TREASURE TYPE: Nil
NO. OF ATTACKS: 3
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Acidic Spit
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Burrowing
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 10%
INTELLIGENCE: Semi (2-4)
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Evil
SIZE: L (6’ tall)
PSIONIC ABILITY: 50/50
ATTACK/DEFENSE MODES: A C D/G H I
EXPERIENCE POINTS: 1,341
Normally a timid and shy nocturnal creature, the Neal Pollack is not content with just eating insects so it hunts for larger game. Resembling a large, nearly hairless ape with razor-sharp teeth, the Chromatic Neal will attack anyone that walks near one of its burrows or book signings.
Also known as the “Yammering Pseudo-Punk,” the Neal Pollack will use its burrowing capabilities to elude enemies, but will sometimes bury itself at book festivals and wait to pounce upon panel guests. In normal combat, Pollack can claw for 1d4/1d4 and bite for 1d6. If it finds what it considers a “compelling” target, it may rip off its shirt and open its maw to spit a stream of acidic criticism. Victims struck by this criticism must make a saving throw vs. pretentiousness. Clerics are immune to this effect.
The Neal Pollack thrives in dungeon settings that are rife with giant insects and garage bands. It considers anyone that interrupts its ranting or singing as a threat. Often times, its burrows weaken dungeon structures and its music causes Fear in a 10’ radius. Any writer or thief who listens to a Neal Pollack rant, must make a saving throw vs. magic or immediately return home to post a boring, poorly written, pretentious blog on the Internet. Sages and New York Times book reviewers are at a loss to explain how this creature continues to elude capture or slaying.