2004 Archives
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“American Pie”—A Fresh Slice
The song “American Pie,” by Don McLean has been heavily analyzed since it was first released in 1972. As with many popular songs containing largely symbolic lyrics such as “Stairway to Heaven” or “Hotel California,” the song’s meaning is examined...
What Truffaut Taught Me
I knew nothing of the world. Experience abandoned me to my adolescent womb, my senses dull from disuse. Then, one day, I ran away. I ran and the strong ones followed, determined to invalidate my freedom. When they got close,...
Blurbs from My Conservative Colleagues for the Back of My New Conservative Book
"Matthew Tobey's words are like bubbles of poisonous foamed milk in the double nonfat half-caff lattes of liberal America!" --Michael Savage
The 2005 Associated Press Stylebook Supplement for the Liberal Media
Acceptable synonyms for Republicans: bastards, Republican bastards, idiots, morons...
An Excerpt from Bill O’Reilly’s Upcoming Book, How to Have Hot Sex Using a Falafel: For Kids
Now, I know there are some in the liberal élite who frown on incorporating a falafel into hot sex, especially when it comes to teaching kids how to have hot sex with a falafel, but those high-minded intellectuals are so out of touch with today's society that I don't really care what they think.
A Fairly Balanced Look at Rightwing Propaganda
In which Y.P.R. reads and absorbs the neoconservative worldview.
Demonic Bias: A Review of Ann Coulter’s How to Talk to a Liberal (if You Must): the World According to Ann Coulter
I am not convinced that Ann Coulter is actually the devil, even though she is wearing a blue dress on the cover of her new book ...
The Enemy Within
Oooooooh, yeah! Friends, Macho Man’s gonna tell you a little story right now. In one corner, we have the people who represent good, clean American living. They’re the people that pay their taxes on time. They’re the people that are...
At the Cover Shoot for The O’Reilly Factor for Kids
Deborah Feinberg, photographer. Bill O’Reilly, author/subject. Deborah: Bill! Where the hell are you? We only got twenty minutes here. O’Reilly: I was just looking for something. I had this idea. Deborah: Come on outta there. I got everything set up....
Ann Coulter Consults Her Mentor
I’ve searched all over for cameras, and I got those egg cartons up now, so nobody can listen through the walls. I even balanced a bottle on the door knob, so we’ll know if someone jiggles it. I think it’s...
The O’Reilly Factor for Kids: Chapter 4, “Toys”
Hey kids, Bill O’Reilly here, and I’ve got some tips for you in regards to the kind of toys you should have if you want to grow up to be a stand-up guy or gal. But first, the Talking Points:...
Morons
Folks-- I’m assuming that it wasn’t ironic on the table of contents of the One-Question Interviews that you misspelled my name the other way. If it was intentional, it doesn’t work. If it wasn’t intentional, it makes you look sloppy....
Five Disquieting Modern Trends
Look, we don’t want to be whiners or hopeless Luddites, but the modern world is clearly headed in the wrong direction. We’re not talking about hip-hop, computers, or reality TV, all of which we endorse with the zeal of a cocker spaniel at a ha’ smoke1 cook-off on the first day of spring.
“Dear John” Letter from Oprah’s Dog
Dear Oprah, I think you know why I’m writing this letter. Do you think I enjoy sitting around all day on my orthopedic doggie bed watching Stedman complain about the dust on the wainscoting? Neither of us has seen...
All That Was Left of My Novel after the Fire
" . . . and for the first time since Arbor Day, I truly felt alive."
Response to E-Mail from a Princess
Exotic Mid-East princess! Well, Shazam! Tossed from your family’s ancient royal chair. You need my help; you’re chased, you’re on the lam; And for my aid, your regal jewels you’ll share. But do I know you will? Oh! Should...
Memo to Outgoing Cabinet Members
Memorandum to: All Cabinet Members Dear Secretary of _______________: Good news! You're resigning. For your convenience, below is a suggested template for use in the drafting of your resignation letter. You are encouraged to personalize by copying it over in...
New York Stories
NM2NY-1 In New Mexico the moon glistens as though cut from a frozen grapefruit. It can be a wedge on the hard lip of the canyon or a rind high above the mesa, but it is always sharp and...
What You Can Do with This Story
This story is to be taken liberally, directly after a meal. It is not intended for anyone 13 years or younger (unless accompanied by an adult) or for anyone with a pacemaker. It is available in Braille, Middle English, Ryukyuan,...
How to Get a Boyfriend, as Explained to Me by My 11-Year-Old Sister
Wear glitter eye shadow. Ignore that he’s shorter than you by, like, a foot. Practice roller-skating, because that’s what you’ll have to do together, but don’t actually own any roller skates, because that’s just retarded. Don’t say retarded, it’s mean to retarded people.
Yo, Muthafuckers
Dudes! Remember me? Its like, West, from college. I accidently hit yer site when my keyboard malfunctioned whilst jackin' it to some hard core shit. Seriosuly. Anyway, I was, like looking fer a gig where i could like, get wasted...
Excerpt from Tuesdays with Yasser by Mitch Al-Bomb Hawari
The last class of my old benefactor’s life took place once a week in his compound, by a window where he could watch the I.D.F. soldiers surrounding him, isolating him from all of society. The meetings were on Tuesdays after...
The Speechwriter
First rule in this job is always to meet your deadline. You gonna leave the Chief to go on TV empty-mouthed like a puppet?
The Norman Rockwell–Axl Rose Correspondence
Use Your Illustration, Parts I & II
Excerpts from Restroom Confidential: Adventures in the Lavatory Underbelly
KERPLUNK! Books ("Books that Really Make a Splash") presents: Restroom Confidential: Adventures in the Lavatory Underbelly From the Introduction: Let’s make this clear: I’m not here to “rag” on my fellow bathroom attendants. I’m writing this to show you—what...
Thank-You Notes to America
or, Struggling with Optimism in the Face of a Mandate by Three New Yorkers & a Michigander Dear Youth of America, It’s a good thing you spent this past Tuesday as you would any other: taking bong hits on...
Victory Speech by the Leader of the Moderate, Pro-Choice, Anti-War, Environmentalist Undecided Voters of Cuyahoga County, Ohio, for Bush
Good evening, fellow members of the M.P.C.A.W.E.U.V.O.C.C.O.F.B. Well, we did it! [Cheers and applause.] This is truly a great day for us, and for all America. The candidate we settled on at the very last minute has emerged victorious, and...
Suggested Reading for Psychopaths
[The morning after the election . . . ]...
Perhaps There Is Life on This Planet
I have returned, albeit briefly, to my desk job at this Somewhat Less Major Media Company. It is April now, though the weather hardly portrays the month that I have come to know over my years here. The harsh,...
Y.PRediction for Election Day
President George W. Bush, the incumbent, will end the night with 232 electoral votes. Senator John F. Kerry, the challenger, will tally 269 electoral votes. Ohio and Florida's votes will be disputed through December. * * * Why are you wasting...
The Rolling Stone Interview with George W. Bush, Part I, by Kurt Loder
W: Hey—you know what’s on my Top 10 Best Records of All Time? Do ya?
Excerpt from The Family Matters: The Real Story of the Winslow Dynasty
Judy Winslow disappeared after the fourth season.
Kitty Kelley's The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty
In which Y.P.R. throws (Heinz brand) tomatoes at Ms. Kelley's tell-all biography about our nation's first family.
The Adams Family: My Ill Fated Attempt at Writing a Tell-All Biography about the Adams Dynasty without Doing Any Actual Research
The White House at that time was not really white but was actually the hollowed-out carcass of a grizzly bear.
Kelley Putty!™ Fun for the Whole Family!
Hey, kids! Tired of boring old Silly Putty™—that gook in a plastic egg you can slap down on a comic and it picks up the image?
Truth Is Beauty
It will come as no surprise to the more acute among our readers that President George W. Bush, at times given over to unfortunate inarticulateness, in fact follows in a formidable tradition of stuttering bards, from Cervantes to Lewis Carroll.
Geometry
father: Whad’ja learn in school today? daughter: Nothing. father: Don’t lie to me. I know better. daughter: You don’t. You’re too old and foggy-groggy-brained. father: Goofy-gruffy-froggy-brained, you mean. daughter: Don’t get parabolic with me. father: Palaveric maverick. daughter: Be respectful...
Ten Things You Used to Be Able to Get Away With in Grade School but You Probably Can’t Get Away With at Work
Your boss is really chewing out Jonesy, a colleague and after-work drinking partner, in a manner that you feel is quite inappropriate for the alleged transgression: falling asleep at his desk. So you creep up behind him and quietly get...
The Wrong Man’s Burden
with apologies to Rudyard Kipling. (On second thought, shouldn’t he be the one to apologize?) Take up the Wrong Man’s burden— And ne’er apologize; Just change the war’s objective And amplify your lies. There were no kites or music, Nor...
I Named the Dog "Indiana"
subject: Your Insight Sought! Dear Yankee Pot Roast, Today, I adopted the most adorable puppy from the shelter. F.A.Q.: Heyyy now, doesn’t everyone consider their puppy/ mewing, puking infant/ genitalia the most adorable? A: I have evidence. Of the puppy’s...
Memo to Human Resources
Regarding the recent complaint lodged by “C” (and we all know it’s Caroline from accounting), I feel compelled to offer this point-by-point response.
Your Future in the Stars: Introducing the Department of Homeland Astrology
Aries You are one crazy diamond, Aries, and it’s not because the transit of Mars through your solar twelfth house has lasted over seven weeks. It’s because you think that fueling your Korean sedan with vegetable oil and living in...
12 Easy Steps to a Better You
Workaday blues got you down? Sick of your job, spouse, and/or children? Convinced that life is just a long, desperate descent toward oblivion, punctuated by pain, loss, and disappointment? Well, you’re in luck—because we’ve got a dozen simple suggestions that...
Things You Can Accomplish before Conan Takes Over The Tonight Show in 2009
Long-term life projects while you wait to catch the talk-show host one hour earlier.
Blurbs
"...they're just working class dudes who happen to be pants-down funny." --The Black Table "charming guttersnipes" --Gawker "pithy and always entertaining" --Maud Newton "cheeky young lads" --TMFTML "totally McSwys without the air of condescension." --whatevs (dot org) "no-foolin', laugh-inducin' literary...
Closing Statements from the Castaways’ Presidential Debate
The weather reports remained unread in the Skipper’s cabin, and the Minnow WAS lost.
At Last, Respect: Rodney Dangerfield, 1921-2004
An Obituary for a Comic, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Jacob Cohen was born in Babylon, New York, in 1921. At some point, he adopted the stage name Rodney...
The Recently Recovered Love Letters of Vincent van Gogh
May 24, 1888 Dear Rachel, Look, I’m not trying to get you back. I understand you don’t want to see me anymore. Fine. I just want to apologize for last night. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have....
My Predictions for Major League Baseball’s Post Season
Celebrity Red Sox fan Ben Affleck will make headlines when he murders Pedro Martinez in cold blood.
Mootpoint
My Almost Interminable Conversation with Famed Literary Minimalist, Nicholson Baker August 2004 Sheraton Suites on the Hudson Weehawken, N.J. nick: Testing, testing . . . will: What’s with the tape? nick: Don’t you think it lends an air of...
Reviews for Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint that I Started to Write before Realizing I Was Thinking of Something Else
Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint is a tour-de-force roller coaster of a book, worthy of a place on anyone’s bookshelf. The hotly anticipated sequel to The Old Testament, the book compiles several accounts of the life of Jesus Christ of Nazareth as...
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam Synopsize Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint
bugs: Nyaah, what’s up, doc? sam: I’m a-gonna kill that varmint president. bugs: No you’re not. sam: Yer doggone right I am. And no flea-bitten rabbit’s a-gonna stop me. bugs: Oh yeah? sam: Yeah. That no good mangy varmint’s gotta...
Checkmate
From the book’s inside flap: Meet Bobby. Meet Boris. Bobby Fischer has summoned his old foe, grandmaster and former World Chess champion Boris Spassky to his hotel room in Reykjavík, Iceland, the site of their 1972 match for the World...
Checkmate, Checkpoint!
—a deleted scene— page 41 jay: Excuse me for a second, I’ve got to take a dump. ben: Sure. jay: No, I’m kidding. ben: I see. jay: No, kidding again. I really got to go, man. ben: O.K. jay:...
How to Conduct a Sincere Discussion Group on Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint with a Disruptive Norwegian Forest Cat on the Premises
In the spirit of the novel being discussed, arrange to meet in a hotel room in Washington D.C. Search the Internet for flight and hotel rates while playfully reciting Baker’s muscular dialogue and pretending to shoot your friends with...
Gina Gershon and the Persian Subway Plot, or, There Are No Wheat Thins in Tehran
The following transcript of a hotel-room conversation by two Iranian diplomats has been translated from the Farsi by some Persian kid who works the coffee stand outside the N.Y. headquarters of the F.B.I. mo: Well, what the fuck do we...
If Checkpoint Were Based on Conversations I’ve Had with My Grandparents
grandfather: You don’t like ham. me: That’s not true. I like ham. grandfather: Well, what am I going to do with all this ham I bought if you don’t like ham? Why are you so picky anyway? I bet you...
Nicholson Baker's Checkpoint
In which Y.P.R. solicits your parodies, deleted chapters, foreign mistranslations, screenplay adaptations, off-topic reviews, and random thoughts whilst reading the zeitgeisty political thriller.
Some Failed Parodies of Nicholson Baker's Checkpoint
William Shakespeare's Chequepoint Clement's Inn London August, 1479 jay: By and by, I say that King Edward IV art the veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth. benvolio: Yeah, but whattaya gonna do? jay: It makes us, or...
Happy Birthday, Martina Hingis!
Dear Ms. Hingis, Congratulations! We here at the International Society of Foreheads have had our eye on your for quite some time. That is one large and shiny forehead you've got there, Ms. Hingis. Now that you've more or less...
Happy Birthday, Jill Whelan!
Dear Jill, Oh man, when I was a little kid, I used to love watching "The Love Boat." My favorite was during the opening credits when everyone would shill for the camera as their name flashed on the screen. I...
UPN or Made Up?
“Kevin Hill” Kevin Hill is a hotshot attorney and a hotshot bachelor, until he inherits a 10-month-old baby girl. As he struggles to adapt his lifestyle in order to take care of Sarah, his law firm starts to cut back...
Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Jones!
Dear Jeffrey Jones, By God, you were wonderful in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The role of bumbling, ill-fated Principal Rooney was just marvelous for you. I can't even conceive of anyone else playing that role now that you've done it....
Happy Birthday, Hilary Duff!
Dear Hilary, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I. Hate. You. Happy 17th...
Andrew Vachss, creative factory
Y.P.R. 1. Man alive! You crank out creative product like you’re hepped up on speed. What’s your writing schedule or routine look like, and how do you thwart writer’s block? Andrew Vachss I don’t have a schedule, much less...
Ned Vizzini, chill squipster
Y.P.R. 1. As the editors of Y.P.R. approach the age of 30, we increasingly find ourselves in fits of white-hot jealousy and berserk outrage when we learn of young success stories. Looking back on your (slightly) younger days, were...
J. T. LeRoy, young Turk
Y.P.R. 1. “Terminator”? What kind of a pen name is that? Please explain/defend yourself. J. T. LeRoy I was tricking on the street and it was a name these other boy kids gave me as a joke because it...
Happy Birthday, Avril Lavigne!
Dear Avril, Happy 20th Birthday! I totally hope you have the best birthday ever and don't die! I hope it's a great day start to finish, and you're not attacked by rabid dogs or infected with any Third World diseases...
Happy Birthday, Wilford Brimley!
Dear Mr. Brimley, Were you ever a young man? With a name like Wilford Brimley, I feel as though you have been an old man since the day you were born. Photographic evidence supports this contention. For crying out loud,...
Why Cheese?
byCheese-Fancying Readers of Y.P.R. In our (now antiquated) submissions guidelines, we asked writers to include with their work a list of three reasons why they liked to eat cheese. There was no good reason for asking this—or if there...
Allston’s Favorite Drunk
Hi Y.P.R., Just reading your “Dear Y.P.R.” section and came across the letter from Alexis Tirado, titled “Seen and Heard in Boston.” She shows a photo in a deli window and then posts several photos of an “odd pied piper...
Dispatches from the V.I.P. Lounge
Dear Brian, I have been inside the V.I.P. lounge for fifteen minutes now. It is lonely without you. So much noise, so much movement, so many Kangol hats. I have been preparing for this moment for so long, but I...
Happy Birthday, Bryan Ferry!
I swear I'm trying, but after 15 years of blissfully obeying your Hakuna Matata philosophy, I'm starting to worry again.
Who's Your Momma?
from: Robin Slick [Robin81700@aol.com] O.K., since you asked, and I’m so glad you did, I will tell you what I’ve been up to. This summer I went on tour with my rock star kids. There's a movie made about them...
A Wee Bit Sticky
My name is Frankenwurst Von Richter. My friends, of which I regretfully have none at this time, call me simply Frank. It is mainly Haileesh, the attendant at the filling station where I retrieve my sodas--which I dearly love (sodas)--who...
What's Goin' Down in the Boogie
It seems that every time I tell someone I live in the Bronx, they crinkle their brow and make sad puppy dog noises. Let me just grab my little Marcus Dairy milk crate over here and prop myself up, O.K.,...
Conversations with My Mother Which Suggest She May Secretly Be a Primatologist
“Go to your enclosed habitat.”
Hal Sparks, funny person
Who do you encounter more often, fans who think you're really queer as folk or fans who think you really love the 80s?
Patton Oswalt, funny person
Y.P.R. 1. Hey, you're pretty funny dude. Could you tell us a joke? Patton Oswalt Yes! I'm a professional comedian. It's fun, always having jokes and funny stories to tell. I love making people laugh. Thank you for asking! Mr....
Todd Barry, funny person
Y.P.R. 1. Does male pattern baldness directly amplify one's sarcasm? Todd Barry I was sarcastic long before I saw any signs of M.P.B. Mr. Barry is a standup comedian all over the television set. His Web home is todbarry.com....
Marx and Engles to Spite
Today, I received an interesting present. Sitting on my piece of real estate in the biology lab was a hardcover edition of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged.
Marc Maron, funny person
Dear Mr. Moron ...
Kim Needs to Talk
from: Kim Bosch [kbosch@uoguelph.ca] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] My dear Y.P.R., Can you give me $48,000 dollars? Canadian dollars? I ask only because I really need the money. You see I would like to try and go to school in N.Y.C....
The Scrolling Book Club
Welcome to the Y.P.R. Scrolling Book Club--a forum wherein classical works of literature are presented in linear fashion. The texts of these great books by long-dead authors (surely spinning triple lutzes within their coffins) are now in the public domain...
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Legends of My Fictional Baseball League
"Dapper" Dan Fitzgerald, Fireball Faulkner, Rube Roth, Slappy Nabokov, and more.
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Oh, What a Fortnight!
Sorry, ladies: 1/3 of Yankee Pot Roast’s council of editorial elders is now off the market. As the tin cans clank down the street in the wake of Nick and Wendy’s limousine, Y.P.R. reflects upon what it has missed in...
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Happy Birthday, Marquis de Sade!
Dear Marquis, Happy 264th Birthday, you swishy pervert! You rock! You're one of the best Marquis ever! Better even than Markie Post! She was so crazy on "Night Court." Christine Sullivan: defense attorney, Anglophile, bitter foil to John Larroquette's Dan...
Highlights from the Recent Network Upfront Hoopla
The clamor for hundreds of millions of big-name marketer shekels has begun between the advertising industry and the various television networks. Who will come out the winner in this game of chance? This intrepid reporter believes that the television viewer...
Happy Birthday, Heidi Klum!
Dear Heidi, I think you are the second most beautiful woman alive! You are right behind Jennifer Connelly and right ahead of Star Jones on the list that I keep thumbtacked to the wall in my basement workroom. I keep...
Dear Sandra Bernhard
Dear Ms. Bernhard, Remember when Slavenka Drakulić’s Divine Hunger played in New York for a week, to near full houses at a theatre below 14th Street? The night I went, I was in the second row. After taking out my...
Something Nice for Memorial Day, sans Cheap Laughs
As a child, Memorial Day never held much meaning for me. I simply remembered it as a day when my father would wake at the crack of dawn and head down to the garage to dig through the mounds of...
James Lipton (Almost), "Inside the Actors' Studio"
[Emphasis is ours.] Date: Fri, 21 May 2004 12:27:40 -0400 From: "James Lipton" xxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx.edu To: "Geoff Wolinetz" geoff@yankeepotroast.org Subject: Re: "Interviews with Interviewers" Mr. Lipton has asked me to write on his behalf. He regrets he cannot participate in...
Happy Birthday, Adam Carolla!
Dear Carolla, Good gravy, Carolla! You've done it. The stamp of Adam Carolla genius is all over the place. You've got the gig with Kimmel. You've got the "Loveline" radio show on MTV. You've got the residuals flying in from...
Robert Birnbaum, Identity Theory
Robert Birnbaum’s résumé looks something like this: nightclub manager, short-order cook, shoe salesman, medical secretary, teacher, adman, cabbie, journalist, publisher, photographer, blogger, interviewer. Mr. Birnbaum’s digital home is Identity Theory (a literary Web site, sort of), which hosts his...
Andrew Krucoff, Gothamist
Andrew Krucoff is something like the Best Supporting Actor (Musical or Comedy) for the two New Yorkiest Web sites out there: at Gawker he sifts through the city's stats and facts and processes the raw data into shiny, colorful, easy-to-read...
A. J. Daulerio, The Black Table
Sample question by Mr. Daulerio: “Would you rather have rodeo sex with Jayson Blair or beat up Arthur Sulzberger's mother?” [Posed to journalist Seth Mnookin.]
Claire Zulkey, Zulkey.com
If you frequent any Web sites with words in them, there’s an 85% chance you’ve read the fiction or journalism of Claire Zulkey (and laughed, too). If you’ve visited her Web site, Zulkey.com (the only site which employs a kangaroo...
‘My Poem’ by Karl Malone
“People don't know this about me, but I've changed since I moved out here to L.A., to Newport Beach. I've become a writer, thanks to my mom. I'll sometimes spend hours just writing, writing, writing. I'll be at the...
Requiem for the Gay Divorcé: Tony Randall, 1920-2004
An Obituary for a Thespian, Compiled Entirely from Information Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Leonard Rosenberg was born February 26, 1920 and he eventually grew to be five feet, eight inches tall, or 1.73...
Happy Birthday, Tina Fey!
Dear T, Happy 34th Birthday! Gosh, Tina, the thing I'm gonna miss most about "S.N.L." is our "Weekend Update" rehearsals together. Every week, you'd school me in current events, when I'd stroll in to 30 Rock, cutely six hours late,...
Dear Game Show Network
GSN (Game Show Network) Attn: Consumer Affairs 2150 Colorado Avenue Santa Monica, CA 90404 Dear Game Show Network, Congratulations on your recent name change from the far too verbose Game Show Network to the wonderfully pithy GSN. Hopefully, this altered...
Similes
Grizzly bears are like dolphins: Neither lives in the desert. And also, they both eat fish, except that bears eat big salmon, and dolphins eat little salmon. There are flowers in the world that, if smelled, will kill you. In...
Happy Birthday, Bob Saget!
Dear Bob, Happy 48th Birthday! It's been too long since we've hung out, Bobby. I know you're a busy man, what with work and family, etc., and I've been pretty busy too--my career as an advertising spokesman is really heating...
My Date With Harold Bloom
He was a perfect gentleman. I won’t pretend that I was anything more than a naïve, semi-talented literary canon maker who had come to the esteemed professor and critic for some professional guidance. We met at Blasambe, the hip uptown...
Superman Ain't Shit
So, you think Superman is cool, huh? Well guess what? Superman ain’t shit. Come on. I can see it in your eyes. You think Superman is the baby’s rattle because he has his own comic books, his own movies, and...
1220 AM WLIT: All Lit All the Time
Welcome to Charles and The Verb, every weekday from four to seven on 1220 AM, WLIT — All Literature All the Time. [Sparkling music plays.] —Greetings everyone. I am Charles Creighton and my partner is Mathew "The Verb" Vroman. How...
Bush Mountain
At the first gesture of morning, the servants began stirring. So came George to one more day in Alabama. Sitting up in his bed, he picked up the letter from Laura, and read it one more time: My love, where...
Spatial Relationships
Al fell a lot. Trip, thump! He’d trip on pretty much anything. One time he tripped on a jumbo paper clip and fell down eighteen flights of stairs. Betty on 12 saw him roll by and said, “That’s gotta be...
Happy Birthday, Pat Summerall!
Dear Pat, It must be a really happy birthday for you. I heard you got a new liver, which is cool. I, too, am the recent recipient of an organ transplant. I just got a new colon. I think it's...
The Ausherman Stories
Johnny Cash Died for Your Sins He dressed like a villain, all in black. Some say he was Liberace's evil twin. And some might say he catered to criminals, way he played for them at that Tennessee prison. Thieves,...
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How I Got Kicked Off the Basketball Team
“. . . When you boys go back out on the court, I want you to remember this: you’re not playing for yourselves. You’re playing for the team. I don’t care who makes the basket as long as he’s wearing...
Friday Morning Lament
Last night's become a blur it seems Riddled with odd and crazy dreams Singing songs with Shirley Jones Tom Hanks and I ate ice cream cones Fat guy dancing with Chris Farley Smoking ganja with Bob Marley Johnny Carson's...
Short Introduction I Have Planned for When I Get to Break Ground on the New Wing on the Children' Hospital in My Town
When Mr. Morgenthau asked me to say a few word at this groundbreaking ceremony, the first thing that went through my mind was, “Is he KID-ding?” [Hold for laughter] After all, I don’t have any children of my own. As...
Happy Birthday, I. M. Pei!
I am π.
Eat, Shoot, & Leave This!: Dear Lynne Truss
Dear crazy Ms. Truss, Jeepers, lady, have you gone totally bonkers? On page 172 of Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, your chipper, chirpy handbook for the pathologically meticulous, you recommend punctuating as follows: 4 Though it...
Happy Birthday, William Shakespeare!
Dear Will, Happy 440th Birthday! Will, I'd like to thank you for writing The Taming of the Shrew. I've never read it, but I understand it was the springboard for the hit 1999 teen romantic comedy, 10 Things I Hate...
Dear Penthouse Forum
Dear Penthouse Forum, Oh, I love them Neo-Conservatives. Oh, yes. I love them. Crazy right-wing chicks. Nothing lights my fire like a girl who digs smaller government. They drive me mad. Republican. Oh, say it. Re-pub-lic-an. The word is red...
Happy Birthday, Charlotte Rae!
My sweet Charlotte, Sometimes I dream where all the people dance. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Sometimes. Sometimes I dream the sounds all stay the same. Sometimes I’m dreaming there are so many different names. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Some times....
I Do Something Terrible, Liz Removes Her Underwear, & You Start Talking Dirty
I Do Something Terrible Say there’s a crowd. Say it! An enormous crowd. Say you are a member of that crowd, and you are obscuring completely the sidewalks beneath my hotel balcony. You are singing! Say I turn to the...
Speed Reader
Your humble coëditor, Mr. Josh Abraham, and the Ritalin Reading Series at Pianos, in TimeOut New York.
Dave Chappelle: The Grand Impostor
Dave Chappelle's “Chappelle's Show” on Comedy Central is a slaphappy sketch-comedy/variety show that manages to be “racy” and “edgy” (whatever that means, anymore) without ever losing the easy, just-folks sensibilities of vaudeville. The jokes are loud, broad, and obvious, but...
Some Things Remain Impossible, Despite the Heart's Will
from: Lonnie Futrill to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Need your help. Am having Italian painting put in my home and need to have a sentence translated into Italian calligraphy. Can you help me please? The sentence is: "Nothing is impossible where...
Happy Birthday, Carmen Electra!
Dear Carm, Lady, you and your ghoulish groom are really creeping me out. Please stop being freaky on my television. I don't like having to wash the TV set every night. Thank you. Sincerely, Josh...
Excerpts from the Hipster Law Treatise
Preface:“Hipster” is a word holy to some, yet bandied about by many who view it as a kiddy-club; joinable by any post-undergraduate, Lower East Side-moving gadfly with greasy hair and a Puma jumpsuit. This Treatise seeks to clarify and define...
Weathersfield
In Which Amy Learns the Science of Sugarmaking
Happy Birthday, Suge Knight!
Dear Suge, Can you believe that until my grandmother recently corrected me, I'd been mispronouncing your name as its spelling suggests: "Sooge." You see, I'm not "down" with the "hip-hop" community, and I don't watch the MTV, or go to...
Liner Notes for The Best of Trevor Seigler: Covers
“Hit Me with Your Best Shot” (Recorded in the shower, June 5, 2000, 8:00 a.m.)This was my first foray into the art of taping myself singing, and as you can tell by the audio quality it's not up to...
Pimpin' Like a Pirate
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy to introduce our next performer, Pete the Pimpin' Pirate. Pete descends from a long line of piracy, dating all the way back to the dreadful Lazy Eye Lester, who terrorized the high seas...
Edible Television
One Viewer Takes a Bite out of the Food Network “30 Minute Meals” with Rachael Ray For a long time, watching Rachael Ray cook delicious and healthy meals in under thirty minutes made me sad. She'd things like, “My niece...
New Releases This Week
This week’s column reviews new CDs by the bands Acid Raindrops, Figgy Pudding, Nitrous Oxide and Operation Freedom. The Acid Raindrops are back after last year’s Good Humor Got Killed announced a strong new presence in music. Just released is...
Great Moments in Pantyhose Jurisprudence
Since the 1959 invention of pantyhose, this single-garment combination of underpants and stockings has been mentioned time and again in the decisions of American appellate courts. Here are the highlights: In trademark dispute, pantyhose and tights not equivalent because pantyhose...
Most Logical Answer Yet
from: Rob Theakston [busymofo@yahoo.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Don't know if anyone answered yet. The 'P' in Alex P. Keaton stands for Peace. Elise and Steven were both hippies in the sixties. There was one episode where they had a...
Happy Birthday, Pete Rose!
Dear Pete, First, you say you didn't bet on baseball. Then, you say you bet on baseball but not your team. Now you say you bet on baseball but never against your team. I only have one question for you:...
My Zombie Movie
I’ve been working on it on and off for the last fifteen years. It will serve as an homage to every zombie movie ever made, yet it will be a completely original piece of cinema, conspicuously free of any derivative material.
Truce with Hip-Hop
Let's call a truce. Seriously. I'll start this feel-good session. On behalf of everyone who has abused the fashizzle kanizzle rapunzeldizzle-esque lingua franca, I apologize. The abuse has become excessive and chaotic in its reach and addictive qualities. I felt...
Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family
No pork and no shellfish? What kind of religion is this?
Who Has the Bigger 
: Democratic Nominee John Kerry or President George W. Bush?
A Random-Sampling Poll Conducted by Telephone Wow, good question. Interesting. I never really thought about this, although I probably should have... [Long pause.] I think I'm going to go with Kerry. I hate being put on the spot like...
: Democratic Nominee John Kerry or President George W. Bush?
A Random-Sampling Poll Conducted by Telephone Wow, good question. Interesting. I never really thought about this, although I probably should have... [Long pause.] I think I'm going to go with Kerry. I hate being put on the spot like...
Time Is on My Side; No, It's on My Side
The Intricacies of Daylight Saving Time Silly Season, a.k.a. Daylight Saving Time (DST), is upon us yet again. Residents of the European Union switch to Summer Time at 1:00 a.m. on the last Sunday in March, and all time...
Happy Birthday, Gabe Kaplan!
Dear Mr. Kot-tah, Happy 58th Birthday! Welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back... Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. I know there's more words to that song, but I'll be damned if I know them. It's a darn catchy...
Some Good Possible Names for an Emo Band, Inspired by the 1986 Motion Picture Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Rooney Save Ferris Voodoo Economics Snooty the Isms Let My Cameron Go the Sausage Kings of Chicago 9 Times Fry Cook on Venus McClurg the Fascist Anarchists Clammy Hands He’ll Keep Callin’ Me Greasy Garage-Attendant Joyride Smashing Ferraris Trophy...
Happy Birthday, Ian Ziering!
Dear Ian Z, Happy happy birthday birthday. Ian Zing Zing, I can't believe you're 40 today! Just like that—Poof! It seems like just yesterday you were in high school. Whatever happened after you graduated? Did you stick around in your...
Things My Nana Levenstein Taught Me about Love
When you meet a man remember: Always smile. It takes more work to frown than it does to smile. You have to use more facial muscles. It’s true. I read it in a magazine at Doctor Klein’s office. And you...
If I Had a Million Dollars
People always ask me what I would do if I had a million dollars. I don't know why people always ask me this. Probably because I owe them around that much, I'd guess.
Fact-Checking The Village Voice
On March 24th, 2004, the "alternative" newsweekly The Village Voice (a.k.a. "New York's freest newspaper") ran an item in Cynthia Cotts's "Press Clips" column that caught the collective eye of this humble journal (thanks to the pathological clicking of the...
Happy Birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker!
You were in an awful Bruce Willis movie once I think, right?
Believe It or Not, He's Really an Attorney
subject: The spelling bee story sucks and fat naked guys in the gym [Y.P.R. edits & commentary in red.] Dear Yankee-Pot Roast Crew: I visited your sight site again today in hopes of some sort of redemption. Just as like...
Imitations of Anonymity (2nd Item)
From The Village Voice, March 24-30, 2004: "Press Clips" by Cynthia Cotts California, Ho! Once parochial, The New Yorker has discovered that more people read its pages on the West Coast One of the most famous New Yorker covers of...
Courtney Love Has Come Undone
Miss Courtney Love is having a wild week! Help put this downwardly spiralling demimondaine back together! Make this Hole lady whole! [This feature requires Java. If you see a Courtney Love-less gray box above, then your computer is likely...
Slippery Pete’s Port o’ Call
Slippery Pete’s Port o’ CallThe Leader in DOCKYARD & PORTAGE entertainment since 1974! We’ve got over 500 piping-hot videos of DOCKERS, DOCKSMEN, DOCKHANDS, DOCK-WALLOPERS, and DOCKMASTERS! We’ve got big, burly JACKS loading and unloading WET VESSELS in coastal PORTS OF...
Teenage Jesus
Yes! Look at me, everybody, I did it again! Here, give me another glass of water. Ka-pow! Presto! Behold: one glass of Fresca. I’m awesome!...
Dear Nesquik
Dear Nesquik (née Nestlé Quik),
I've been drinking your chocolatey-flavored milk since before I was even born. Of all liquids on the planet, your chocolatey-flavored milk is my favorite, surpassing even soapy water, turpentine, or Colt 45. I've won numerous Nestlé Quik-chugging contests ...
I've been drinking your chocolatey-flavored milk since before I was even born. Of all liquids on the planet, your chocolatey-flavored milk is my favorite, surpassing even soapy water, turpentine, or Colt 45. I've won numerous Nestlé Quik-chugging contests ...
St. Pat's Facts
Hexadecimal Shades of Green, Vital Stats for Kathy Ireland, and IMDb.com Users’ Comments for the 1993 Motion Picture Leprechaun
The Passion of the Führer
Critics are up in arms over Mel Gibson's next film, declaring that the director's anti-Semitic bias fuels his German-language epic, The Passion of the Führer. Gibson maintains that his picture, chronicling the last 12 hours in the life of the...
Sem Ordnilap Ytir Belec: Celebrity Palindromes
“Lisa Bonet ate no basil.” — Lenny Kravitz, summing up their last lunch date.
Curriculum Fraudium
("Curriculum of Lies") Objective: To obtain and secure a book deal, like Jayson Blair (liar and author of Burning Down My Masters' House), and have my life story made into a feature film, like Stephen Glass (liar and subject of...
Acceptance Speech
Thank you! Wow, this is so unexpected. Thank you very much! Oh my god, I’m so nervous! Let me catch my breath here for a sec . . . Whew! O.K., much better. Now before I thank everyone who made...
Scenes from "C.S.I.: Podunk"
Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim's corpse. HUCKSLEYI reckon he’s dead all right. Cause o’ death? MUFFSheriff say shotgun, close range. HUCKSLEYWe got an ID? MUFFCollerton’s boy. HUCKSLEYHow ’bout evidence? MUFFJust them prints in the snow...
An Excerpt from This Month's Journal of the History of Intellectual Culture: “Shoe Shopping: An Interdisciplinary Case Study of the Effects of Political Discourse on the Marketplace for Shoes”
BACKGROUND While effects of modern political discourse on the marketplace of ideas has been thoroughly examined, the question of the effect of discourse on the marketplace for shoes has been grossly neglected in the field. The market for footwear has...
The Rules
To Mature Adam C/O No Longer Lonely Personals 2004 The Long Drive Sydney NSW 2000 Dear Sir: Your questions are not in the least offensive, my dearest Sir! I am a mature woman, a bold, thinking woman and I am...
Some Replies to “Where’d Ya Get That Shiner?”
I'm tired of telling the story. Nothing happened. It’s just a little bruised. A couple stitches. I fainted in my bathroom over the weekend. I slipped on the ice cleaning off my car. My scarf tripped me into a...
The Magician’s Assistant
Dear Ms. Theys: Thank you for your most interesting and entertaining application for the position of magician's assistant. I am sorry to say that we are unable to offer you the job because—how else can we say it?—you are...
Family Film Guide
This week’s guide to current cinematic releases and their appropriateness for children under the age of 17. Turn Back the Clock Marvin (Jerry Stiller) and Harriet (Kathy Bates) are husband and wife in this idiotic romantic comedy about regaining lost...
My Yard
I’ve done what I can to transform my suburban yard into an environment that I truly enjoy, and at the same time keep up standards for my neighbors. And though I get some funny looks from the nabes and even...
The Passion of the Christ: Official Merchandising HQ
The Passion of the ChristOfficial Home Crucifiction Playset ® $24.95, by Mattel. 2 AA batteries and some assembly requiredRecommended for ages 8+ That's right, now you can RELIVE THE PASSION in your very own backyard with the Officially Licensed...
Dear Outback Steakhouse
Dear Outback Steakhouse, I believe you owe me something in the neighborhood of 85 bucks for the three days in August of 1997 that I served as a waiter-in-training in one of your fine establishments. A scuffle regarding the unapproved...
The Y.P.OscaRs
In which Y.P.R. presents some overlooked awards.
Good Writing
1. Whine. 2. Retreat....
I ♥ Scrushy
subject: HealthSouth C.E.O. Richard M. (“Red”) Scrushy, Jason’s ditzy spouse, Shannon. Do ypu have pix of the herveys is all this true or just funny it would be very funny i hope some is true Thanx Sean Tariel...
Capricorn Rising
subject: Your Web site I happened to come across your page and read much of what you had to say. I think you are a very mean-spirited person. What you have thrown out to various people will have a way...
Writing Goodly
Look: Every stupid one of us possesses within his or her bowels a good story. It's lurking somewhere inside, in the guts, in the belly, safely hidden by all that bone and meat. Lurking. What you've got to do is...
Coverage from a Hollywood Reader
A development assistant reports the viability of adapting The Devil Wears Prada and The Da Vinci Code.
Some Sequels to Famous Books Written by the Original Authors' Offspring
The Old Man and the Piece of Rye Toast by Barney Hemingway Santiago Jr. leads the simple life of a Florida retiree: He spends his days searching for the perfect piece of toast. Among the breakfast establishments of south Florida,...
Poetic License
Dear Mr. Donald Rumsfeld, You are reputed to be a man who is creative with words, and you are some kind of honcho in the United States, and as such I hope you can help me. Recently I received an...
How to Write Gouda
Mushrooms, Mushrooms, Mushrooms. All day. How do I write so good, you ask, my little inanimate object into whom I will breathe life? By tripping out of my gourd. Woo hoooo. Beluga, beluga, screamed the painted stick. Focus, Tom, Focus....
Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda!
Dear Fish, Happy Birthday, you decrepit old codger! 83 years and not dead yet! Nosiree, Bob! All alive and accounted for here! Vigoda = not dead! Sure, you may look and smell like a week-old ham hock, but you are...
Why I'll Never Be Published in The New Yorker
Dear Mr. Wolinetz,
Thank you for your recent submission to The New Yorker. We receive a tremendous amount of submissions, as you know, and we do appreciate your patience. However, at this time, I am afraid we are unable to accept your fiction submission entitled “Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It: A Mystery.” ...
Thank you for your recent submission to The New Yorker. We receive a tremendous amount of submissions, as you know, and we do appreciate your patience. However, at this time, I am afraid we are unable to accept your fiction submission entitled “Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It: A Mystery.” ...
Moby-Dick: The Whale's Story
Following is an excerpt that reveals that Mr. Melville hadn't presented the most balanced account.
Happy Birthday, Charles Barkley!
Dear Charles, The round mound of rebound, indeed. Happy 41st Birthday! I love watching you on TNT; your asinine comments and clear disregard for anything not glazed, chocolate-covered, big-titted, or Michael Jordan is wonderful! If only more grown men were...
Writing Well
Life is just one crushing disappointment after another until finally, you find yourself lying on a bed of other people’s money, completely naked, drunk as a skunk off of a bottle of 18-year-old Scotch that you swiped from Vonnegut’s liquor cabinet.
Pitching to Cousin Graydon
Dear Graydon, Hey-ho! All the best of the New Year from the Winnipeg Carters to the New York-via-Ottawa branch of our glorious and widespread clan. Today, as long promised, I am delighted to be able to float a small piece...
'Snotwatch' by Heidi J.
Rejoice! Behave! Be Strong and Play Fair! A Call for a New Era of Being Nice to Everybody, and a Schoolyard That Will Support It By Heidi J. Ms. Weisenstock's Third-Grade Class Discussed: Name-Calling, Sticks & Stones, Allergies, Cootie Shots,...
Happy Birthday, Paris Hilton!
Dear Paris, In just a few months, all of America watched you engage in coitus & cellular telecommunication; you've made an ass of yourself and got away scot-free on a reality TV show; you've proposed a retarded book for somebody...
More Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
Featuring: Bill Gates & Martha Stewart! Pat Robertson & Shirley MacLaine, et al. …! Michael Eisner & Minnie Mouse …? Stephen King & Condoleezza Rice …!
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
If you find yourself without a sweetie this St. Valentine's Day, there are still plenty of ways to cope with the wretched despair of solitude!
Happy Birthday, Peter Gabriel!
Dear Peter, Oooooooooh in your eyes! (The light, the heat!) Your eyes! (I am complete!) Your eyes! I see the doorways (your eyes) to a thousand churches (your eyes) ... etc. You know, Cusack does that outside Ione Skye's window,...
Dear Food Network
Food Network 1180 Sixth Avenue New York, NY 10036 Attn: Consumer Relations Department February 12, 2004 Dear Food Network, On February 8, 2004, after watching Bobby Flay and portly gentleman strap the feedbag onto a rather hungry group of fireman...
Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
Featuring: Saddam Hussein & Sandra Day O’Connor! Sylvester Stallone & Meryl Streep! Laura Bush & Kim Jong-Il! Arnold Schwarzenegger & Hillary Clinton! Pope John Paul II & Anna Nicole Smith!
Happy Birthday, Judy Blume!
Judy, Judy, Judy! Happy 66th Birthday! Judy, I reread T.O.A.F.G.N. every day. The scene where Fudge colors in the map that Peter worked so hard on makes me weep openly. It worries my boss that I'm so eager to cry...
Concerning My Recent Submission
Dear Editor, I hesitate to bother you about this, since your writer's guidelines are very clear on the point of follow-up emails, but those same guidelines also specify a two-month response time, and it's now been five months since I...
Poetry in Pastrami: The Carnegie Deli Goes Lit
In an effort to boost sagging sales, famed New York eatery the Carnegie Deli—home of the mile high pastrami on rye—is taking a new tack. To appeal to the appetites of the hoards of hungry literati prowling midtown Manhattan, they’ve...
Happy Birthday, George Stephanopoulos!
Dear Georgie, Happy 43rd Birthday! You did such good work with Clinton. You turned a ruddy-faced hick from Arkansas who got blowjobs on the side into a ruddy-faced President who got blowjobs on the side! I heard you are married...
Writing Good
The way I see it is, everybody has a Mother. So that's something I make sure is in every story I write: a Mother. Another thing is that everybody is, at some point in his or her life, an only...
Happy Birthday, J. M. Coetzee & JM J. Bullock!
The noted author and the wacky next-door neighbor celebrate.
‘And Another Thing about Bush 43’ by Maureen Dowd
According to the recent yawnfest -slash- impromptu-Q.&A. with Bush 43, he “slept through” the recent breast-baring Janet Jackson high jinks.
Sexyin' Up the Classics
Turn Your Head Away from the Camera and Just Screw by Henry James The video held us, around the monitor, sufficiently breathless, except for the way too obvious remark that “everything was very green”, as the video of a young...
An Assortment of Love Poems Written with the Assistance of a Pamphlet Entitled “How 2 Write Love Poems That Don't Suck” Distributed by Delias.com, a Clothing Company That Caters to Pre-Teen Girls
Write a poem that is only seven words long. Your girlfriend is a freak-ass. Dump her.** hyphenate = 1 word Choose something you associate with your cutie (the color blue, the letter X). Go for a walk and notice everything...
Happy Birthday, Alice Cooper!
Now, I'm scared that a long-haired Larry David look-alike is still wearing eye liner and leather pants at age 56.
Yeah, Right--"Wardrobe Failure." I'm Sure.
by Janet Jackson's Jealous Left Nipple ( o Y o ) \ Goddamn it! She's always stealing my thunder! I swear, she's so totally Paris to my Nicky. I hate her!!!! Whatevs. I'm the pretty one, anyway....
Letter to Failure
Dear Editor: As is the case with God, I’ll address you by your title. When I learned that you were putting out a magazine called Failure, I thought that I had finally found my niche. I read your manifesto with...
Happy Birthday, Tallulah Willis!
Dear Tallulah, Happy 10th birthday! Ten years old! I hope you're not getting too old for bedtime stories! Because I can't sleep if you don't read to me. Hey, I'm sorry I covered your eyes during halftime, but you were...
Nick v. The Donald
First off, I've been wanting to be an Apprentice for so long, I can feel my cheeks between my teeth. Where I come from, that means I'm jonesing to be an Apprentice, bad. I've always considered Donald Trump a not-so-close...
The New New York Times Book Review: This Isn't Your Father's New York Times Book Review!
Hey there, true-believers! Welcome to the new New York Times Book Review! Or, as we like to call it, N.Y.T.B.R. eXtreme! We're reviewing books to the max! That's right, gone are the days of stodgy book reviews of boring, fancy-pants,...
Happy Birthday, Christie Brinkley
Dear Christie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sooooo sorry. Please take me back. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Pleeeeeeeeeeease. Still,...
Fairlee
In Which Amy Nearly Freezes Her Ass Off
Writers-on-Writing Month
In which Y.P.R. presents material regarding inspiration, revision, rejection, writer's block, book reports, language, style, poetry, prose, plays, ink, typewriters, quills, sharpies, and Wite-out.
Happy Birthday, Big Boi
Dear Big Boi, 29 years old? Who's a big boy now? Happy birthday! Hey ya, Yankee Pot Roast www.yankeepotroast.org P.S. I like the way you move. P.P.S. Not in that way....
Let's Go Hoboken!
If Mr. Geoff Wolinetz can't find anything good about Houston, Boston, the airlines, etc., maybe he ought to try Hoboken or Lower Slobovia or crawl back into his hole in the ground where he probably would feel more at home....
An Excerpt from Flu Shot Review Quarterly's Winter 2004 Issue
As you all know, the 2004 flu season is one of the most highly anticipated in recent years. I recently spent an afternoon with my doctor, a dozen of his sharpest needles, and tried all the latest vaccines. Let's start...
Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff's Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure
Friday, January 30 3:56 p.m. I’m sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to board. Sitting across from me is a man reading a book entitled The Lighter Side of Rectal Surgery. I’m unable to determine whether this is...
How to Wear Battle Dress
Week in, week out, when a problem calls for battle-dress expertise, my buddies come, cap in hand, whining to yours truly. You’d think its something that 21st Century hippolatas would have a handle on by now—some of these things have...
Happy Birthdays, Oprah & Tom Selleck!
Dear Oprah & Magnum, Happy 50th & 59th Birthdays! Seriously, you guys have my two favorite moustaches in Hollywood. Happy birthday! Best wishes, Josh...
The DeVito Code
"Off the record, on the Q.T., and very hush-hush." Sid Hudgens, L.A. Confidential "There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster." Harry Wormwood, Matilda "You don't really think you'll win ....
Happy Birthday, Elijah Wood!
Dear Frodo, Happy 23rd birthday! Wow, how ’bout that ending to Return of the King, eh? That was really something, the way we pranced about the bedsheets in slo-mo. Good times, man, good times. And remember on the mountainside when...
The Human Campaign
The supermarket’s called Freshboy Slim’s. Today’s special is used grapes. A bird flies in and everybody goes nuts. A guy yells, "We’re all gonna die you bitches!" He dives into a display of oranges, then farts. The oranges roll all...
How I Quit Smoking
1. The Lozenge So I’m at work and I realize that I need to have copies of a letter to this client -- deadline yesterday -- for my boss. I go to the copier. Put the paper on the little...
Happy Birthday, Paul Newman!
Dear Butch, You can keep your tomato sauce, salad dressing, and popcorn. I got a film festival and a cable channel, sucker. Later, Sundance...
I Love Scrushy
This unforgettable sitcom lasted six seasons, during which the wacky, dictatorial but lovable star, HealthSouth C.E.O. Richard M. (“Red”) Scrushy, stole millions and delighted millions more with his corporate shenanigans and auditing antics. The shows featured Scrushy’s zany attempts to...
Dear Regal Cinemas
Michael L. Campbell Co-C.E.O., Regal Entertainment Group 7132 Regal Lane Knoxville, Tennessee, 37918 January 22, 2004 Dear Mr. Campbell, While we may have had our scuffles in the past, this time you have gone too far with your latest...
Recently Returned Letters to Santa
Dear Santa, I woke up this morning wearing a pair of Capri pants and a tight, white T-shirt that read, “Screw Charles, I’M IN CHARGE.” Do you know anything about this? Confusedly Yours, Armen Katein Dear Santa, I was wondering,...
Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me
Pop Quiz Which of the following quotations come from How to Make Your Marriage Exciting, from Ron Schara’s Minnesota Fishing Guide, or can be attributed to Chairman Mao Tse-Tung? The Bible says “Love is not arrogant or rude.” How rude...
This Is the Ultimate Y.P.R.*
*”Ultimate” doesn’t always mean ‘best’; sometimes it means ‘last.’ Goodbye, mama and papa Goodbye, Jack and JillThe grass ain’t greener The wine ain’t sweeterEither side of the hill. “Ramble On Rose,” the Grateful Dead Friends, Romans, carniefolk: Life is...
Happy Birthday, Plácido Domingo!
Dear Plácido, You think you're old? Y.P.R. is dead! You fat bastard, look what you've done. Happy Birthday, Geoff Wolinetz...
Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State
Have you heard about a new political ad running in Iowa? In the ad, an old man (supposedly a “farmer” but I think he’s a “paid actor”) says, “Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latté-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York...
The Metamorphosis
One morning, Gregor Samsa awoke to find he had turned into a Jean-Claude Van Damme. He was frightened at first, not sure what all this meant. He had spent the previous evening watching Timecop, the film in which Mr. Van...
Happy Birthday, Kate Moss!
Dear Katie, Happy 30th birthday! Kate Moss, Kate Moss, Kate ... Moss ... I got nothing. Were this, say, 1995-ish, I'd have made some waify jokes or something, but lately you seem to have filled out a bit, reaching almost...
Stunk ’n’ White: New ’n’ Improved!!!
You know the authors' names. You recognize the title. This is The Elements of Style, the classic guide to English rules and usage, now in its fourth . . . ooops, make that fifth edition. The revisions to the new...
Happy Birthday, Mario Van Peebles!
Dear M.V.P., Happy 47th birthday! I get your dad, Melvin Van Peebles, mixed up with Martin Van Buren all the time, and they kicked me out of the Geography club because of that. My dog's name is Peebles. I saw...
It's an Honor Just to Be Read
from: Todd Piepenbrok [thechinman@ameritech.net] to:: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Best Boy Nomination Hello there, Y.P.R., I was doing the ol' Google serach on my name and found that your Web site is the second listing. You have me nominated for BEST...
We're Working on It
from: John Graves II to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: an inquiry without capitals Yankee Pot Roast, As an admirer and appreciater of your online publication I wonder if there is a printed collection of the best daily pieces. I very much...
Postcards from My Bed
Hey! Your bed here. I know it’s not customary for the vacationer to receive postcards from those he’s abandoned at home, but I had a free sec and I thought it was a clever idea, so, ya know, hope ya...
Happy Birthday, Orlando Bloom!
Dear Orlando, Happy 27th birthday! I don't know if you're aware, but your name is also the location of of the fabulous Walt DisneyWorld resort. This luxurious vacation destination features championship golf, spacious rooms, pools, day spas for your wife/girlfriend,...
Girl with Pearl Drops Toothpaste
“Girl With Pearl Drops Toothpaste” (1978) One of the finest of Ed Kligenstein’s commercials for Doyle Dane Bernbach, this sixty-second spot creates a mood defined by the radiant, all-American glow of the girl as she turns toward the viewer to...
Happy Birthday, Melanie Chisholm!
Dear Mel, You're looking more and more mannish every day. I bet you pee standing up. I hate you, Geri Halliwell a.k.a. Ginger P.S. You still owe me forty-six dollars. Don't think I forgot....
Tighter Abs in Six Weeks
Use the Ab Cruncher 3000 Three Times a Week and See a Whole New You! Week 1, Day 1 My Ab Cruncher 3000 came today. Sandy says you're supposed to keep a diary and write down exactly how many...
Who's the Pop Diva Queen Now, Bitch?
Hey, whassup whassup, everybody! Xtina here and I want y’all to meet somebody special. This is Raul and ~ he is beau-ti-ful, no matter what they say ... ~ He’s a dishwasher I met last night when I was puking in the dumpster behind a Vegas strip joint. He’s from Ecuador, and guess what? We got married!
Happy Birthday, Wolfgang Puck!
Dear Wolfgang, I've eaten at your Spago restaurant. It's all right. Be honest with me now. You haven't actually cooked anything in 20 years, have you? Right now, you're jusst coasting on the fact that Chad Lowe went to your...
Happy Birthday, Stephen Hawking!
Dear Hawking, 110101110101 111110nd 1010001110101! 100010111101010 101100100101 1011101 10010 11100111001 1001111101 111000110 101010010101 11010101001 110 11000111 1011 1000101? 1010110000111001 "11010001 1 10010010" 1010 000100101 1001010010 1010100101010101?? 010111! Love, Geoff...
The Ten Most World-Famous Belgians in the World
Can I name 10 world-famous Belgians? Not including tennis players? Are you serious? Belgians!?! You do mean Belgians, as in ‘citizens of Belgium,’ n’est ce pas? Oui? Pas de problem, dude. Sure I know where it’s at. It’s in Europe...
Happy Birthday, Erin Gray!
Dear Col. Wilma, Happy 54th birthday! I've been watching "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" for a long time now. When I was in grade school, I had your Thermos. It was a great picture of you. You were all...
Re: Spicy Latinas Want to Taste Your Big Burrito
From: MrEnchilada741@yahoo.com To: tlvcuuhlbexhc@j4femail.com Subject: Re: Spicy Latinas Wanna Taste Your Big Burrito Dear Spicy Latinas, Thank you so much! Of course you can taste my Big Burrito! I am thrilled to learn of your interest in it. In fact,...
Our Disastrous Brunch
The inexplicable ruination of the BROILED PINEAPPLE RINGS had the precise fingerprints of the Illuminati all over them. Or was it the anti-Illuminati? At any rate, it was clear that the mystical alignment of the seven rings spelled out apocryphal...
Happy Birthday, E. L. Doctorow!
Dear E. L., Happy 73rd birthday! Good grief, E. L., I can't believe Britney got married and unmarried in, like, less than 24 hours. It's all so overwhelming. I'm in complete emotional upheaval here. I mean, how can she be...
Things I Say to Various Loved Ones, Coworkers, and Strangers When My Aunt Flo Visits
Can you just shut up? Just shut up. Get the hell out of my way. The fuck you care? The fuck you staring at? Fuck you. Go hungry for all I care. O.K.? I’m not hungry, ergo, I’m not fucking...
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants
Ooooooooooh, who lives in the tissue of sick Holstein spines?
Ooooooooooh, who lives in the tissue of sick Holstein spines?
Happy Birthday, Umberto Eco!
Dear Bert, Happy 72nd Birthday! On my birthday, I spend the whole day in my birthday suit! Even when I have to go to the bank! You should try it. Also, for my birthday breakfast, I make an ice-cream-sundae omelet...
Happy Birthday, Michael Stipe!
Dear Stipe, Happy 44th birthday! I bet you've got a super-fun day planned! Cookies and cupcakes and pin-the-tail-on-Bill Berry. Will Boy George will come over so you guys can paint stripes on each other's faces? Freak. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly...
Happy Birthday, Mel Gibson!
Dear Mel, Happy XLVIII Birthday! Diem genitalem, Diem genitalem, Care Mel, felicem Diem genitalem! Et tu, Josh Abraham...
Happy Birthday, Cuba Gooding Jr.!
Dear Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr. Happy 36th Birthday! Cubby, I’m a big-time movie producer, and I've just acquired the rights to a picture that I think you'd be perfect for the lead. It’s "mostly inspired by" the true story of...
Happy Birthday, J. D. Salinger!
Dear J. D., Happy 85th Birthday! Look, J. D., we really wanted to throw you a surprise party, but you won’t leave your house, you agoraphobic maniac. What are we supposed to do, silently sneak into your kitchen and scare...
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