& Recently . . .

Our Disastrous Brunch

by Ken Krimstein

The inexplicable ruination of the BROILED PINEAPPLE RINGS had the precise fingerprints of the Illuminati all over them. Or was it the anti-Illuminati? At any rate, it was clear that the mystical alignment of the seven rings spelled out apocryphal…

Things I Say to Various Loved Ones, Coworkers, and Strangers When My Aunt Flo Visits

by Amy Stender

Can you just shut up? Just shut up. Get the hell out of my way. The fuck you care? The fuck you staring at? Fuck you. Go hungry for all I care. O.K.? I’m not hungry, ergo, I’m not fucking…

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants

by Jeremy Richards.

Captain: Ooooooooooh, who lives in the tissue of sick Holstein spines? Children: Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants! Captain: Stripped by a machine in guarded confines! Children: Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants! Captain: If neurological infection is something you wish— Children: Bovine…

Polish Fact

A Polish Glimpse of Earth
Anglia -- England
Szkocja -- Scotland
Walia -- Wales
Irlandia -- Ireland
Wielka Brytania -- Great Britain
Zjednoczone Królestwo - United Kingdom
Niemcy -- Germany
Japonia -- Japan
Stany Zjednoczone Ameryki - The United States of America
Francja -- France
Hiszpania -- Spain
Wenezuela -- Venezuela

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Impari L'Italiano
Wham, bam, grazie, signora.
Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.

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Wednesday, January 7, 2004   |    Non-Fiction

Re: Spicy Latinas Want to Taste Your Big Burrito

by Brian Hughes

From: MrEnchilada741@yahoo.com
To: tlvcuuhlbexhc@j4femail.com
Subject: Re: Spicy Latinas Wanna Taste Your Big Burrito

Dear Spicy Latinas,

Thank you so much! Of course you can taste my Big Burrito! I am thrilled to learn of your interest in it. In fact, I doubt I’ve ever been happier than I am now after receiving your wonderful e-mail. From the subject line to its brief text—You like it spicy don’t you? Come taste my taco while I enjoy your big burrito!— each word was wonderfully poetic. Finally, someone wanted to enjoy my work.

My life as a Tex-Mex chef has not been an easy one. I have spent years slaving over stoves in poorly ventilated kitchens. I have wasted my youth cooking plantains and enchiladas for people unappreciative of my culinary talent. You have not really suffered, my new amigas, until you’ve watched your painstakingly handcrafted tacos wolfed down with reckless abandon by drunken teenagers, rather than savored and respected by the finest gourmet aficionados of our time. The cuts on my fingers, the frustration, the onion-induced tears, the cocaine addiction — each hurt me more than you could imagine. But despite the hurt, I had to keep going. As you so eloquently put it, I liked it spicy, and I couldn’t give up.

I always knew that my ascension to fame would come on the coattails of my Big Burrito. I can still remember the day I invented it: I was alone in the kitchen working feverishly on a big enchilada when it struck me: Make the burrito bigger! It was so simple, yet so revolutionary. I set to work, stuffing my burrito with more lettuce, more rice, more beans, more tomatoes, more cheese, more meat, and, most importantly, more love. So many told me to stop. “You can’t use that much meat, Enrique.” “A burrito can’t weigh over two pounds, Enrique.” “No one will ever want to taste your Big Burrito, Enrique.” Their words cut me, but I knew that my mission was just, and I persevered. When I finally completed my first ever 40-ounce Big Burrito, I knew I had done it. I had created a work of beauty not seen since Van Gogh painted Starry Night.

And finally, all my hard work has been recognized. To think, Spicy Latinas, the top Mexican restaurant in all of Northern South Dakota, wants to taste my Big Burrito. It is almost too wonderful for me comprehend. I just want to take this opportunity to say that, right now, there is more love in my heart for you than there are beans in my biggest burrito. Which, as I am sure you know, means a lot. I am off now to prepare – nay, to ensure that my Big Burrito is at its biggest, juiciest best for you, Spicy Latinas.

Enrique Sojo

P.S. Thank you so much for offering to let me taste your world famous tacos, as well. You are too generous.

Brian Hughes hires and fires security personnel for a living. He assures you it is just as exciting as it sounds. He is however, wild and unpredictable and would make a tremendously tittilating morning show host. He enjoys using words that are spelt with multiple Ts.