Recently Returned Letters to Santa
I woke up this morning wearing a pair of Capri pants and a tight, white T-shirt that read, “Screw Charles, I’M IN CHARGE.” Do you know anything about this?
I was wondering, could you leave a cookie for me this year? Every year I leave you six or seven cookies and every year I wake up the next morning to find nothing but crumbs. Getting up early to open presents is difficult and I could really use that sugar rush that only a cookie can provide. I mean, I know for a fact you get cookies at other houses, so is it really necessary for you to eat every single cookie at every single house? Haven’t you ever heard of gluttony, tubbs?
Those boots are all wrong with that jacket. I’m just saying.
With mild concern,
All I want for Christmas is for my parents to stop fighting. Just one day where they don’t scream and yell is all I am asking for. That, or an Xbox. Actually, the Xbox is probably better.
What were you doing with my mother underneath the mistletoe last night? Because if I saw mommy kissing who I think I saw mommy kissing, Daddy is not gonna be happy.
Don’t you want to see The Butterfly Effect!?! That movie looks so amazing. Ashton is such a hottie! He is totally kewl!
Ashton’s future wife,
Blitzen is so the best reindeer. He is the fastest, the strongest, the most powerful, and far and away the most beautiful. Also, though I do not personally know Blitzen, I am sure that if he had a fight with Donner it was entirely due to Donner’s constant chain- and hay-hogging, and certainly was not caused by any alcohol consumption on his part. Also, Rudolph is a lamedeer whose nose is more often brown than red.
What are Sugar Plums? I mean, are they plums dipped in sugar, or like another type of fruit entirely? I thought you might know. Fill me in.
Is your first name spelled Kris Kringle or Chris Kringle? My friend Nathan insists it’s ‘Chris,’ but I know it’s ‘Kris.’ He was like, “Kris is too gay,” and I was like, “Maybe it is but that is how he spells it.” So let me know, O.K.? I’ve got five bucks on it. Thanks.
I also smelled of witch hazel. Does that help jog your memory, sicko?