& Recently . . .

The Human Campaign

by Victor Lembrey

The supermarket’s called Freshboy Slim’s. Today’s special is used grapes. A bird flies in and everybody goes nuts. A guy yells, “We’re all gonna die you bitches!” He dives into a display of oranges, then farts. The oranges roll all…

How I Quit Smoking

by Cheryl Chambers

1. The Lozenge So I’m at work and I realize that I need to have copies of a letter to this client — deadline yesterday — for my boss. I go to the copier. Put the paper on the little…

I Love Scrushy

by Richard Grayson.

This unforgettable sitcom lasted six seasons, during which the wacky, dictatorial but lovable star, HealthSouth C.E.O. Richard M. (“Red”) Scrushy, stole millions and delighted millions more with his corporate shenanigans and auditing antics. The shows featured Scrushy’s zany attempts to…

Dear Regal Cinemas

by David Abraham

Michael L. Campbell Co-C.E.O., Regal Entertainment Group 7132 Regal Lane Knoxville, Tennessee, 37918 January 22, 2004 Dear Mr. Campbell, While we may have had our scuffles in the past, this time you have gone too far with your latest…

Recently Returned Letters to Santa

by Brian Hughes

Dear Santa, I woke up this morning wearing a pair of Capri pants and a tight, white T-shirt that read, “Screw Charles, I’M IN CHARGE.” Do you know anything about this? Confusedly Yours, Armen Katein Dear Santa, I was wondering,…

Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me

by Amy Shearn

Pop Quiz Which of the following quotations come from How to Make Your Marriage Exciting, from Ron Schara’s Minnesota Fishing Guide, or can be attributed to Chairman Mao Tse-Tung? The Bible says “Love is not arrogant or rude.” How rude…

Polish Fact

National Anthem
Mazurek Dąbrowskiego, written by Józef Wybicki in 1797.

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Portuguese!
Christ Doce! Esse prostitute é realmente um homem!
Sweet Christ, that prostitute is really a man!

Y.P.aRt Gallery

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Wednesday, January 28, 2004   |    Non-Fiction

The DeVito Code

If you are totally stumped, check out the book jacket of 'The da Vinci Code' and you'll find a message encoded by means of boldfaced letters in the synopsis. But really, you should have figured that out yourself.

“Off the record, on the Q.T., and very hush-hush.”
Sid Hudgens, L.A. Confidential
“There’s nothing you can get from a book that you can’t get from a television faster.”
Harry Wormwood, Matilda

“You don’t really think you’ll win … do you?”
Oswald Cobblepot, Batman Returns

“There is no winning! Only degrees of losing!”
Gavin D’Amato, The War of the Roses

“Someone’s about to get killed here and you’re farting around with prehistoric animals. We’ve stolen enough of these antique trinkets to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives. Let’s kiss off this third world toilet.”
Ralph, Romancing the Stone

“You’re all I thought about for six months. They threw me in a jail filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward. Every wacko, drippy, open-sored lowlife was in that joint, all of them wanting to hire on as my proctologist.”
Ralph, again, The Jewel of the Nile

“You’re gonna be so rich you’ll be pissing on hundred dollar bills just to see the look on Franklin’s face!”
Burke Bennett, Death to Smoochy

“Everybody needs money! That’s why they call it money!”
Mickey Bergman, Heist

“Money talks and bullshit walks!”
Vincent Benedict, Twins

“You remember what a Rainmaker is, kid? The bucks are going to start falling from the sky.”
Deck Shifflet, The Rainmaker

“They pulled the plug on him. He wheezed and shook for about an hour and then … he stabilized. That son-of-a-bitch just got older and sicker, and older and sicker, AND OLDER AND SICKER … !”
Sam Stone, Ruthless People

“Kill her, Larry.”
Owen, Throw Momma from the Train

“He’ll be back … they all come back … the only one who never came back was James Caan … and I’m still waitin’!”
Louie De Palma, “Taxi”

“You think you‘re the first clown who ever woke up and said, ‘I’m bored, I think I’ll have a kid!’?”
Dr. Larry Arbogast, Junior

“You’re insane, but you might also be brilliant.”
George Shapiro, Man on the Moon

[Upon discovering he’s eaten rabbits during a lycanthropic feeding:]
“I see. That explains the indigestion.”
Amos Calloway, Big Fish

“What are you talking about? Of course he’s real. And by the way, sweetcheeks, I’m real too.”
Philoctetes, Hercules

If you are totally stumped, check out the book jacket of The da Vinci Code and you’ll find a message encoded by means of boldfaced letters in the synopsis. But really, you should have figured that out yourself.