& Recently . . .

Re: Spicy Latinas Want to Taste Your Big Burrito

by Brian Hughes

From: MrEnchilada741@yahoo.com To: tlvcuuhlbexhc@j4femail.com Subject: Re: Spicy Latinas Wanna Taste Your Big Burrito Dear Spicy Latinas, Thank you so much! Of course you can taste my Big Burrito! I am thrilled to learn of your interest in it. In fact,…

Our Disastrous Brunch

by Ken Krimstein

The inexplicable ruination of the BROILED PINEAPPLE RINGS had the precise fingerprints of the Illuminati all over them. Or was it the anti-Illuminati? At any rate, it was clear that the mystical alignment of the seven rings spelled out apocryphal…

Things I Say to Various Loved Ones, Coworkers, and Strangers When My Aunt Flo Visits

by Amy Stender

Can you just shut up? Just shut up. Get the hell out of my way. The fuck you care? The fuck you staring at? Fuck you. Go hungry for all I care. O.K.? I’m not hungry, ergo, I’m not fucking…

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants

by Jeremy Richards.

Captain: Ooooooooooh, who lives in the tissue of sick Holstein spines? Children: Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants! Captain: Stripped by a machine in guarded confines! Children: Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants! Captain: If neurological infection is something you wish— Children: Bovine…

Polish Fact

Population Growth Rate:
0% (2003 est.)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Dutch!
Ik heb twee draaischijven en een microfoon.
I've got two turntables and a microphone.

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Wednesday, January 7, 2004   |    Listicles

The Ten Most World-Famous Belgians in the World

by kevin o cuinn

Can I name 10 world-famous Belgians? Not including tennis players? Are you serious? Belgians!?! You do mean Belgians, as in ‘citizens of Belgium,’ n’est ce pas? Oui? Pas de problem, dude. Sure I know where it’s at. It’s in Europe that’s where, between Spain and Deutschland, and the capital city is Flanders, which is a very historical place and dates back to before the war, whichever, I don’t know, stop changing the subject, no, I’m not buying time. You doubt me? O.K., let’s go, and don’t interrupt me this time, O.K.? O.K.??? Alright, so I’m gonna start now, here goes… are you sitting comfortably? O.K., O.K.! Here goes:

The World’s First and Foremost Most Famous Belgian:

Tintin. Yup, the boy detective—that’s right with the fluffy dog. Huge gay icon, at least in Belgium. Also Latvia I think. What do you mean he’s not a real person? Of course he is! I thought you read The Life of Tintin? Get outta here! Essential reading. No, it wasn’t reviewed in Sports Illustrated, no excuse. But let’s move on to:

The World’s Second-Most Famous Belgian:

Hergé. Whaddaya mean ‘Hergé who?’ The guy with the pencils! He animated Tintin’s life into comic form so that people who never pick up a real book could get to know him and his adventures. Funnies without the laughs, mostly. We owe him big time. Talk about service to humanity! O.K., let’s see, that’s two down, seven to go—yeah, of course I mean after—

The World’s Thirdest-Most Famous Belgian:

Maigret. No, not Manray—Maigret! ‘Meg-ray’. He was like the totally awesome Belgian Columbo-type cop. Real smart, always figured it out. You’ve never seen those movies? We need to get you some culture, shame shame shame. There is life outside of Hollywood. But let’s move on.

The World’s Fourth-Most Famous Belgian:

You’ll like this guy. No, they’re not all guys. Yes, the list is inclusive. Like I was saying—Aldo Sax, the one and only. No, not Tenor’s baby brother. A-l-d-o, Al-do as in “d’oh”! The man who gifted the world the sexiest musical appliance to date was Belgian. I say ‘to date’ because it’s been a while since anyone invented a new instrument. Computers don’t count. I know I said ‘John Coltrane made the sax’ but I didn’t actually mean that he created it. Sure he was talented. But he was totally a musician, not the inventor! Now listen, sweetheart, it’s getting late and Daddy has to go to work tomorrow, so say nighty-night. Of course Daddy will pay for tennis lessons for his princess. I am not buying time; it’s late. Yes, we can talk some more about Belgium tomorrow. Don’t worry, the list is in my head. You’re gonna love number 6. Yeah, I know but number 5 isn’t as interesting as number 6.


kevin o cuinn used to live in Belgium; the Antwerpians are nice to be around. They love to eat and love to drink, which is how kevin spends most of his free time, so they got on just fine. That was after France and Hungary, but before Germany. Home is the Westerwald, a little place with a long name—Weitefeld Oberdreisbach—which has been a small town since 848, and Dublin, not far from the Hill of Howth, where he left Brendan, his baby brother, who invited him to Belgium, and to whom 'Famous Belgians' is dedicated. kevin likes songs about trains and watching people fly kites in the park. And yes, he is wholly responsible for 'Freaksville' which can be viewed at independentmind.com.