Friday, February 27, 2004

The Old Man and the Piece of Rye Toast
by Barney Hemingway

Santiago Jr. leads the simple life of a Florida retiree: He spends his days searching for the perfect piece of toast. Among the breakfast establishments of south Florida, he seeks that which will define his dying days and make his life one to remember. Is his quest for dry toast unattainable? Will Santiago Jr. sacrifice all that he can for that which he considers to be the ultimate prize? Is nothing too valuable to forfeit even his life? Does dry toast really have that much of an effect on the elderly?

Oliver Twisted
by Lenny Dickens

Dickens’s sequel to his father’s novel depicts a 17-year-old Oliver who has once again fallen in with the wrong crowd. This time, he’s involved with the Bloods, a Los Angeles-based gang with a record of gang rape, drive-by shootings, and other mischief. Newly christened Oliver “Twisted,” he joins the gang on a bloody jaunt through their Compton neighborhood. Will Oliver bust a cap in someone’s ass? Or will someone bust a cap in his?

Sex and the City: The Golden Years: A Serial Novelization
by Gayle Bushnell

It’s 40 years later and the girls are still friends. Miranda lost Steve to a bowel obstruction. Thrice-divorced Charlotte has converted to Buddhism for her 97-year old Indian beau. Samantha still squeezes her wrinkly ass into a pair of hot pants everyday. And Carrie’s cataracts from all of those years in front of the computer prevent her from writing anything of consequence. What wacky, episodic misadventures will the girls of Shady Acres Assisted Adult Living Community get themselves into while they scope the cafeteria for Mr. Right? Or should we say Mr. Right Now?

Harry Potter and the Spell of Corporate America
by J.L. Rowling

A recent graduate of Wizard College with a degree in liberal arts, 22-year old Harry Potter takes a job with WizardCo, a multinational wizard corporation specializing in the sale and manufacture of wizard and wizard-related garments. Attracted by the steady salary and his rationale that he could use some money before he goes back for his wizard master’s degree, Harry ultimately realizes that the things that attracted him to the job are now stifling him and sapping his every creative impulse. Harry ends up bitter and jaded, smoking Marlboro Reds at the corner of the bar in his local dive pub, screaming that it’s a “’Jack and Coke,’ not the other way around” to the bartender.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of “Silver Spoons”). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between “Geoff Witcher” and “Geoff Wood.” In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.

Poetic License Dear Mr. Donald Rumsfeld, You are reputed to be a man who is creative with words, and you are some kind of honcho in the United States, and as such I hope you can help me. Recently I received an...
How To
How to Write Gouda Mushrooms, Mushrooms, Mushrooms. All day. How do I write so good, you ask, my little inanimate object into whom I will breathe life? By tripping out of my gourd. Woo hoooo. Beluga, beluga, screamed the painted stick. Focus, Tom, Focus....
Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda! Dear Fish, Happy Birthday, you decrepit old codger! 83 years and not dead yet! Nosiree, Bob! All alive and accounted for here! Vigoda = not dead! Sure, you may look and smell like a week-old ham hock, but you are...

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