Thursday, March 11, 2004
(“Curriculum of Lies”)
Objective: To obtain and secure a book deal, like Jayson Blair (liar and author of Burning Down My Masters’ House), and have my life story made into a feature film, like Stephen Glass (liar and subject of Shattered Glass).
(Suggested titles: “The Lesser Man,” or “The Lesser Is Too Evil”)
Birth - Columbus, OH, January 20, 1980
- Born a bouncing baby boy, eight pounds, six ounces, instead of an eight-pound girl, as my precociously altered ultrasound had indicated.
- Tricked doctor into delivering me two days early.
- Tricked mother into giving birth to a twin, who does not exist.
- Asked by playmate Jonathan, “Where are the blocks?”
- Replied, “In closet, behind shoes.”
- Blocks not in closet behind shoes.
- Told classmate Susie that I liked her.
- Hit her to “prove” it.
- Didn’t actually like Susie, just wanted to hit her.
- Convinced great-uncle I was six years old. In reality, I was seven.
- Convinced elderly, confused man—not my great-uncle—that I was his grand-nephew. Then told him my true age. Then convinced him that he was seven, and that I was his great-uncle.
- Deceived opponent Bobby Clements through all four games of the championship playoffs; at the end of the ninth inning, he thought his team was up three points.
- Explained to tearful Bobby that the reason he lost was because he was such a crybaby.
- Told parents I was being honored with the “Lamp of Diogenes Award” from the “Truth-Telling Society” in Berkeley, California, for being “world’s most honest boy.”
- Actually received the “Nose of Pinocchio Award” from the “Lie-Telling Coven” in Anaheim, California, for being “world’s biggest liar.” For once, the Lie-Telling Coven was telling the truth.
- Announced the committee had chosen “Rome Before the Fall” for that year’s prom theme. They hadn’t. (!)
- On class trip to Rome that year, fell. Previously, had lied to classmates about being incapable of falling.
- Didn’t actually write for school newspaper.
- Pretended I did.
- Arranged interviews with school officials and visiting lecturers. Arrived twenty minutes late for meetings, apologized profusely (though disingenuously), wasted administrator’s time. Once, President Hay asked me to play something back on my tape; faked asthma attack to hide the fact that tape recorder was actually my fist, painted silver.
- Married Maggie Lesser (née Blanket).
- Had marriage certificate annulled without Maggie’s knowledge.
- Faked death. “Widow” Maggie has since remarried.
- Married Maggie’s estranged sister Midge Lesser (née Blanket).
- Still married to Midge, but I don’t love her; marriage is therefore a lie.
- Told a stranger it was “a quarter to four.”
- Still all lies.
- Claim to have written for the following publications that do not exist:
- “The New Standard”
- “Weekly Nation”
- “Live! Politics!”
- Ghostwrote “The Fabulist,” Stephen Glass’s fictionalized autobiography.
- Currently starring as “Jayson” in the off-Broadway smash-hit musical “Bliar!”
- Replied, “Pretty good,” when a friend asked, “How’s it going?” In all honestly, things have not been going so well.
- I guess my lies have finally caught up to me. I’ve been lying to everyone, especially to myself. Oh, what a foul snowball am I, crumbling at the bottom of my steep and slippery slope of deceit. That portrait in the attic, Dorian? No portrait that, but a mirror!—a mirror into a false soul. I am bereft of truth—a husk! Empty. Shattered.
- Lying. I feel great!