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Friday, March 12, 2004

J.F.K. & J.F.K.

As the possibility of John F. Kerry’s seizing the White House looms, one can’t help but take note of the similarities between the candidate and an ill-fated Democratic President of the past. Beyond their both being Massachusetts senators and Navy war veterans with the initials J.F.K., Kerry and Kennedy share a number of other similarities … similarities that are downright eerie!

  1. John Kennedy was stricken with a disease that, among other things, made his head grow to an abnormal size. John Kerry is also stricken with a disease that, among other things, made John Kennedy’s head grow to an abnormal size.
  2. John Kerry’s third-favorite V.J. is Kennedy. The third person John Kennedy date-raped was named Kerri.
  3. John Kennedy had brothers named Robert Francis Kennedy and Edward Moore Kennedy. John Kerry has sisters named Roberta Francesca Kerry and Edwina Mooressa Kerry.
  4. In 1943, John Kerry was born in Denver, Colorado. In 1963, John Kennedy ordered John Denver’s airplane to be shot down 34 years later.
  5. John Kennedy won the Pulitzer Prize for a book he wrote while recuperating from back surgery. John Kerry won a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award for playing super-villain Baxter S. Urgery in Spy Kids 3-D.
  6. John Kerry’s wife owns half a billion dollars’ worth of the Heinz Ketchup fortune. John Kennedy attributed his strong heart to thrice-daily mustard enemas.
  7. John Kennedy’s vice president was named Lyndon Baines Johnson. John Kerry once ate too many jalapeño poppers and had a nightmare in which Steve Buscemi was chasing him through a giant ferret’s veins after catching Kerry making out with his girlfriend. While Buscemi’s girlfriend in the dream was Spiro Agnew’s head on Stevie Nicks’s body1, his girlfriend in real life is none other than L.B.J.’s favorite wrestling unitard.
  8. John Kerry has a birthmark shaped like a forlorn Lou Ferigno doing the foxtrot while Helen of Troy watches on with feigned bemusement. John Kennedy had a tattoo of H. L. Mencken wearing a French-maid costume while shooting pool with Canadian Prime Minister John G. Diefenbaker.
  9. John Kennedy lost his virginity at the age of 7 when he snuck into his father’s concubine cellar. John Kerry lost his virginity at the age of 17 when he was date raped by—you guessed it—John Kennedy.

1. ~ Early solo career / Knight Rider love interest Stevie Nicks.

By day, Matthew Tobey is an editor for All Movie Guide. By night, he operates the Web log The City of Floating Blogs. By afternoon, he will have thought of at least three things that would have made this bio funnier. He is happily married, used to edit Haypenny and enjoys writing about himself in the third person. He can be contacted at