The Y.P.OscaRs

The Sexist & Xenophobic Awards are traditionally handed out in a separate ceremony, after the Technical Awards and before the Main Event.

[ Red = Should win    |    Bold = Will win ]

Part I: The Xenophobies

Best Round-eye Gaijin in the Orient:

• Uma Thurman kung-fu-kicks; Kill Bill, Vol. I


• Bill Murray karaokes; Lost in Translation


• Tom Cruise kowtows; The Last Samurai

Best Gringo South of the Border:

• Johnny Depp actually says, "Are you a Mexican or a Mexican't?"; Once Upon a Time in Mexico


• America's college students cowboy it up; The Real Cancún


• Captain Jack Sparrow "drinks rum on the beach"; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl

Best Honksploitation of a Whitey Playin' Gangsta:

• Lisa Kudrow embarrasses all races; Marci X


• Jamie Kennedy, ditto; Malibu's Most Wanted


• Adam Goldberg, self-hating Jew; The Hebrew Hammer

Best Wackily Mismatched-Ethnic High Jinks:

• Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Bulletproof Monk


• Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Shanghai Knights


• Chop-socky Asian befriends gangsta rapper; Cradle 2 the Grave


• Irish émigrés befriend scary black dude; In America


• Those swarthy subcontinentals stole my house!; House of Sand and Fog


• American white trash vs. Eurotrash; Just Married


• Old white fuddy-duddy & sassy sista; Bringing Down the House

Most Confusing to the White Man:

• Wait, Kingpin's a black dude?; Daredevil


• Wait, God's a black dude?; Bruce Almighty


• Is Jessica Alba multiëthnic?; Honey


• How 'bout Vin Diesel?; A Man Apart

Best Mangled Foreign-Language Title:

• Padrone e Comandante: Il Lato Lontano del Mondo
  (Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World); Italian


• Meisje met een Oorring van de Parel
  (Girl with a Pearl Earring); Dutch


• Was ein Mädchen wünschen
  (What a Girl Wants); German


• Un Pescado Grande
  (Big Fish); Spanish


• Les Anges de Charlie : Pleine Commande de Puissance
  (Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle); French

Part II: The Sexies

Most Uncomfortable Homoerotic Moment:

• Russell Crowe winks at a dirty South American hooker from the boat, but otherwise prefers the company of young boys; Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World


• Frolicsome hobbits pillow-fighting; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King


• Johnny Depp's fabulous eyeliner; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl


• Shirtless, pubescent lost boys and a fairy; Peter Pan

Most Frightening Nudity:

• All them old hags' gnarled corpses; Calendar Girls


• Diane Keaton's saggy bags; Something's Gotta Give


• Meg Ryan's squandered youth; In the Cut


• Danny DeVito's pale, post-lycanthropic ass; Big Fish


• That dude's sickly member; 28 Days Later


• Frank the Tank streaks; Old School

Best Black-Leather-Clad Masturbatory Material for Geeky Comic-Book Fanboys:

• Carrie-Ann Moss as Trinity, the leathered, neo-Luddite freedom fighter; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions


• Jennifer Garner as Elektra, the leathered, Greek, ninja assassin; Daredevil


• Famke Janssen as Jean Grey, the leathered, telepathic, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United


• Halle Berry as Storm, the leathered, weather-controlling, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United


• Kate Beckinsale as Selene, the leathered, British bloodsucker; Underworld

Best Heaving Cleavage in a Period Piece:

• Keira Knightley's knockers; Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl


• Liv Tyler's spry, elfin rack ; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King


• Scarlett Johansson's Old Master jubblies; Girl with a Pearl Earring


• Monica Bellucci's massive bosom; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions1

Special Uncle Grambo Award for So Effing Best Hott Underage Ingénue Jailbait:

• Hilary Duff; The Lizzie McGuire Movie


• Lindsay Lohan; Freaky Friday


• Amanda Bynes; What a Girl Wants


• Keisha Castle-Hughes; Whale Rider


• Evan Rachel Wood; Thirteen


• Nikki Reed; Thirteen

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