Calling All Catamounts

Guten tag, Valley Cats!

Y.P.R. solicits your alumni updates, yearbook scribblings, and passed-notes to high-school crushes along with the usual reviews, parodies, deleted chapters, etc., for this month's Book Club selection: Sam Lipsyte's Home Land.


The Way We Live Now

BTdingbat3.gifIncoming! March 7, 2005
by your humble coëditor, Josh Abraham, over at The Black Table.

& Recently . . .

Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches by Teddy Wayne

Extreme Vacations for Wordsmiths by G. Xavier Robillard

A Style Guide for Blog Parodists by Jaime J. Weinman

Memo Regarding the Viability of Superheroes as Future Presidential Candidates by Cole Haddon

An Internet Humor Writer Comes Clean by Christopher Monks.

Disquieting Modern Trends: "Guaranteed 100% Funnier!" Edition by Will Layman & Chris Osmond


Polish Fact

Daily Newspapers:
Gazeta Wyborcza
Super Express
Nasz Dziennik

Weekly Magazines:
Wprost (rightwing)
Polityka (leftwing)
Newsweek (Polish edition)
Najwyższy Czas! (rightwing)
Przegląd (leftwing)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Latin!
Mea culpa.
My bad.

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Monday, March 1, 2004   |    Calendrical Happenings

The Y.P.OscaRs

The Sexist & Xenophobic Awards are traditionally handed out in a separate ceremony, after the Technical Awards and before the Main Event.

[ Red = Should win    |    Bold = Will win ]

Part I: The Xenophobies

Best Round-eye Gaijin in the Orient:

  • Uma Thurman kung-fu-kicks; Kill Bill, Vol. I

  • Bill Murray karaokes; Lost in Translation

  • Tom Cruise kowtows; The Last Samurai

Best Gringo South of the Border:

  • Johnny Depp actually says, "Are you a Mexican or a Mexican't?"; Once Upon a Time in Mexico

  • America's college students cowboy it up; The Real Cancún

  • Captain Jack Sparrow "drinks rum on the beach"; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl

Best Honksploitation of a Whitey Playin' Gangsta:

  • Lisa Kudrow embarrasses all races; Marci X

  • Jamie Kennedy, ditto; Malibu's Most Wanted

  • Adam Goldberg, self-hating Jew; The Hebrew Hammer

Best Wackily Mismatched-Ethnic High Jinks:

  • Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Bulletproof Monk

  • Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Shanghai Knights

  • Chop-socky Asian befriends gangsta rapper; Cradle 2 the Grave

  • Irish émigrés befriend scary black dude; In America

  • Those swarthy subcontinentals stole my house!; House of Sand and Fog

  • American white trash vs. Eurotrash; Just Married

  • Old white fuddy-duddy & sassy sista; Bringing Down the House

Most Confusing to the White Man:

  • Wait, Kingpin's a black dude?; Daredevil

  • Wait, God's a black dude?; Bruce Almighty

  • Is Jessica Alba multiëthnic?; Honey

  • How 'bout Vin Diesel?; A Man Apart

Best Mangled Foreign-Language Title:

  • Padrone e Comandante: Il Lato Lontano del Mondo
    (Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World)
    ; Italian

  • Meisje met een Oorring van de Parel
    (Girl with a Pearl Earring)
    ; Dutch

  • Was ein Mädchen wünschen
    (What a Girl Wants)
    ; German

  • Un Pescado Grande
    (Big Fish)
    ; Spanish

  • Les Anges de Charlie : Pleine Commande de Puissance
    (Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle)
    ; French

Part II: The Sexies

Most Uncomfortable Homoerotic Moment:

  • Russell Crowe winks at a dirty South American hooker from the boat, but otherwise prefers the company of young boys; Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

  • Frolicsome hobbits pillow-fighting; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

  • Johnny Depp's fabulous eyeliner; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl

  • Shirtless, pubescent lost boys and a fairy; Peter Pan

Most Frightening Nudity:

  • All them old hags' gnarled corpses; Calendar Girls

  • Diane Keaton's saggy bags; Something's Gotta Give

  • Meg Ryan's squandered youth; In the Cut

  • Danny DeVito's pale, post-lycanthropic ass; Big Fish

  • That dude's sickly member; 28 Days Later

  • Frank the Tank streaks; Old School

Best Black-Leather-Clad Masturbatory Material for Geeky Comic-Book Fanboys:

  • Carrie-Ann Moss as Trinity, the leathered, neo-Luddite freedom fighter; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions

  • Jennifer Garner as Elektra, the leathered, Greek, ninja assassin; Daredevil

  • Famke Janssen as Jean Grey, the leathered, telepathic, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United

  • Halle Berry as Storm, the leathered, weather-controlling, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United

  • Kate Beckinsale as Selene, the leathered, British bloodsucker; Underworld

Best Heaving Cleavage in a Period Piece:

  • Keira Knightley's knockers; Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

  • Liv Tyler's spry, elfin rack ; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

  • Scarlett Johansson's Old Master jubblies; Girl with a Pearl Earring

  • Monica Bellucci's massive bosom; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions1

Special Uncle Grambo Award for So Effing Best Hott Underage Ingénue Jailbait:

  • Hilary Duff; The Lizzie McGuire Movie

  • Lindsay Lohan; Freaky Friday

  • Amanda Bynes; What a Girl Wants

  • Keisha Castle-Hughes; Whale Rider

  • Evan Rachel Wood; Thirteen

  • Nikki Reed; Thirteen

1. The Matrix is a period piece, too: the future. Duh.

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