Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Let’s call a truce. Seriously. I’ll start this feel-good session. On behalf of everyone who has abused the fashizzle kanizzle rapunzeldizzle-esque lingua franca, I apologize. The abuse has become excessive and chaotic in its reach and addictive qualities. I felt it coming for a while but when my mother recently told me to get the funk out of her hizouse before she broke her foot off in my ass fo shizzie, I knew things had gone too far. The weight of this abuse by the people I love and represent is heavy and I feel it in my heart. True, I have an intern who once lived in the Bronx on a whim, but he wasn’t allowed in KRS-One’s co-op, so I don’t have real Boogie Down pedigree. In fact, I think it was the Riverdale section of the Bronx—does that still count as the Boogie Down or is it a little too gefilte, if you know what I’m getting at? Ahem. I’ll let you get back to me on that. In light of these past transgressions by all those non-hip-hop, I bear this burden of non-smoothness for one and all. I will be the Jesus of square, and I shall atone, ya hear? The uncomfortable silence that has become many a conversation as someone forces in an -izzle or an -ezze is just too much. It has tipped, I fear, in the direction of bad. Seriously, if you’re reading this and you’re a culprit, stop it. It shouldn’t be that heeeeezzy to make a joke. Granted, I’m susceptible at times, but my words weigh a ton, so I’m allowed. O.K., no, I’m not allowed. I’ll stop too.
In exchange for our stopping the use of izzle, you, Hip-Hop, will provide the following back to us, the non-Hip-Hop community: immediate disuse of the term biyotch, BEE-otCH, beeyoch, and any variation of the sort. While we fully understand that this will prove problematic in your enchanted little world, we will allow one member of your party full rights to this word and its many variations. This anointed one shall be none other than our fine friend Snoop Dogg, little known to be a staunch Republican. Just kidding about that whole Republican thing, he’s a Dogg, woof woof, after all, not an elephant. Snap. However, Snoop can only say this without fear of prosecution if he says it with the same meter as usually performed in his best sticky-icky-OHHH hits. As a measure of proactive and non-partisan good faith, the following phrases will also be relinquished by the non-Hip-Hop community before they become problems. We have consulted the F.C.C. on this and they agree there is the potential for fun that can be had with the proceeding phrases. Therefore, in light of the “no fun can be had in any way” rules of the “TRUTH”, a.k.a. Mikey ‘Coco Puffs’ Powell, you shall retain the rights to the following phrases:
• Anything relating to Bling
• Know what I’m sayin’?
Listen dude, if you need to ask if I know what you’re sayin’, I probably don’t.
Some phrases on the verge of becoming problematic yet:
• Pop your collar
• Get that dirt off your shoulder
• Hey ya!
• Make it clap (This is more to protect myself against illegal use by my friend’s grandmother)
Now, by granting these phrases back to you, Hip Hop, you have full license to smack the shit out of anyone using them that has a) their shirt tucked in, b) is wearing khaki pants, c) drives a Dodge Neon with tinted windows. In other words, anyone that should be listening to “Come Sail Away” with their bazooka tube piercing the air at stoplights.
One more thing, Mr. Hip Hop: Give the non-Hip-Hoppers back their jerseys. You will give back sports jerseys to those insane sports fanatics that will go terminal unless they find some way to bond with their favorite athletes. Sports apparel was created for dorks, geeks, statisticians, and losers with nothing else to do but drool over the physical abilities of others. So we’re keeping those too. I’ll take that Warren Moon jersey thank you very much. Sucka! Now sign here.