Wednesday, May 5, 2004

Double Issue

If it seems like I’m behaving rashly,
Well, there really is a simple reason:
It’s because that Mary-Kate and Ashley
Will be eighteen years before next season!
In just a month I’ll say, “Good-bye, jailbait!
Hello, Ms. Ashley and Ms. Mary-Kate!
You’re now ladies of consenting ages!
May I welcome you to Maxim’s pages?”
Our readers will sure get such glee from
Four-color spreads of an Olsen threesome.

On the Rack

I use Details to wipe my ass
And FHM to curb my doggy
Gear can wrap three-day-old bass
(Slick pages do not get too soggy!)
And GQ lines my birdcages.
Should I need to start a fire
I’ll simply rip out fifty pages
From this month’s issue of Esquire.
The Man Show, lad lit, Nascar dads—
All these things, I have engendered
Thanks to three books of tits and ads
Called Maxim, Stuff, and Blender.

A Maxim for Maxim

O, what the American public will read!
So evident they’re an illit’rate breed.
No need for articles, nor the use of big words,
Just show ’em juggies and the completely absurd.
Newsstand and subscription sales never lack
So long as we give ’em cause to go jack.
Cheers to you, dear Americans, you brainless flock
Who don’t think with anything except for your cock.
Because of you, I’m rich beyond wildest dreams
And I’m chased by women flaunting their high beams.
So while you sit at home looking at our pics
I actually get to make use of my dick.
Give the people what they want! Continually dumb down!
Big tits and small words have made me renowned.

How I Got Kicked Off the Basketball Team “. . . When you boys go back out on the court, I want you to remember this: you’re not playing for yourselves. You’re playing for the team. I don’t care who makes the basket as long as he’s wearing...
Friday Morning Lament Last night's become a blur it seems Riddled with odd and crazy dreams Singing songs with Shirley Jones Tom Hanks and I ate ice cream cones Fat guy dancing with Chris Farley Smoking ganja with Bob Marley Johnny Carson's...
Short Introduction I Have Planned for When I Get to Break Ground on the New Wing on the Children' Hospital in My Town When Mr. Morgenthau asked me to say a few word at this groundbreaking ceremony, the first thing that went through my mind was, “Is he KID-ding?” [Hold for laughter] After all, I don’t have any children of my own. As...



RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm | Spanish









From the Y.P.aRchives


Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!)
Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review
Poetry & Lyric
Advice, How To, & Self-Help


Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies
Media Gadflies
Calendrical Happenings
The Book Club


Semi-Frequent Columns
Letter from the Editors
Disquieting Modern Trends


Interviews with Interviewers
One-Question Interviews


Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities


The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery


Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke


New & Noteworthy Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera


Contributors' Notes


The Y.P.aRchives

This journal is powered by Movable Typo 5.02.

Y.P.R. & Co.