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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, July 26, 2004

If I Love the 80s Were Strictly about My Life

Hal Sparks: I never quite understood the whole corduroy-shirt look. Did Matt actually think that looked good or was it something his mom forced him to do? All I’m saying is, if your 7th-grade guidance counselor is complimenting your style, you’re doing something wrong.

Rachael Harris: You know, at the time I thought nine was a little young for Matt to start masturbating, but put it in perspective: Mozart wrote his first symphony when he was six and look how he turned out.

Bret Michaels: I was always just glad I wasn’t the only one who pretended to like Poison and then went home every day and listened to “Kokomo” over and over again.

Michael Ian Black: This is a rule that holds true at four years old just as well as it does at 40 years old: If you poop your pants, it’s probably not a wise idea to walk out of the bathroom into a class full of kindergarteners with your pants down. Leave a little something to the imagination, you know?

Lionel Ritchie: Hello, I’m Lionel Ritchie and these are the hotties of 1986!

Pam, the hottie with the unpronounceable last name that started with an “H”, you moved away after 4th grade, but, damn, girl, you had it going on. I still remember you with your ponytail and pink sweater, standing in line in front of Matt before catechism class.

natty_gann.jpgMeredith Salenger as Natty Gann in The Journey of Natty Gann, you, my dear, were a hottie! When you were on the cover of The Disney Channel Magazine, Matt actually kissed the cover more than once.

Ladies and gentlemen, those are the hotties of 1986!

MC Lyte: I don’t know about you, but I gave up trying to figure out Matt’s hole-digging phase of summer ’85. The only thing weirder was its short resurgence in the fall of 1987.

By day, Matthew Tobey is an editor for All Movie Guide. By night, he operates the Web log The City of Floating Blogs. By afternoon, he will have thought of at least three things that would have made this bio funnier. He is happily married, used to edit Haypenny and enjoys writing about himself in the third person. He can be contacted at mtobey@gmail.com.