Friday, July 9, 2004
Hard-working third baseman who played twenty-two seasons in the Monks Baseball Association. Hit three homers in the deciding game of the MBA World Championship in Season 12. Is the all-time leader in doubles and base on balls. Died during Season 29 after a long bout with colon cancer.
“Dapper” Dan Fitzgerald
One of the more popular players to ever play in the MBA. Had a tall, muscular physique that made his adoring female fan base swoon. Often played while wearing an ascot. Hit for the cycle a record fourteen times over the course of his career. Died of syphilis a broken and lonely man.
Fast as a gazelle. Stole 1,349 bases during his career. Won fifteen Golden Mitt Awards, the most of any centerfielder. A fan favorite who always went out of his way to sign an autograph. Won Humanitarian of the Year Award in Season 19 for his work with deaf-mutes. Found dead and pant-less in a bathroom stall during the seventh-inning stretch of Season 32’s MBA All-Star game.
Legendary manager known just as much for his foul temper as he was for his managerial prowess. Led four separate teams to league titles. Was a vegan. Hated the elderly. Died at the age of 56 in a hovercraft accident.
Nifty second baseman who along with shortstop and ex-lover Boo Hancock combined for over 1700 double plays. Career leader in hits. Knocked in 163 runs in Season 48. Owned a llama. Was into Gore-Tex. Had a notable Smurf collection. Killed by birds.
“Big” Doak Chandler
Built like a slab of granite. Had forearms the size of a nine-year-old. Once smacked a homerun that measured 623 feet. Still holds the MBA record for single-season slugging percentage. Took steroids like nobody’s business. Was bald and sterile by the age of 23. Died in a circus fire.
Rennie Garcia Marquez
Fleet-fielding left fielder who took home the MVP Award in Season 25 when he batted .378 and stroked 53 homeruns. Was raised as a Finnish girl for the first eight and a half years of his life. Huge Jackson Browne fan. Lactose intolerant. Missing since Season 32.
Outstanding hitter who frustrated pitchers throughout his long career. Was named Best Catcher in the MBA eleven consecutive years. Delusional and paranoid. Was convinced he was a ferret for much of Season 39. Thought UPS was a cult group. Played the lute. Bitten by a poisonous snake during a team retreat. J. D. Salinger, Thomas Pynchon, and Shakira attended his funeral.
Easily the most dominating pitcher and batter in the history of the MBA. Once struck out 23 batters and hit six homeruns in a single game. All-time leader in wins, ERA, strikeouts, fielding percentage, hits, batting AVG, homeruns, triples, RBIs, HBP, OBP, OPS, and in being down with OPP. Saved the life of sixteen fans during the salmonella outbreak at Hartford Stadium in season 50. Very well dressed. Flawless complexion. Not scared of bees. Has had sex with virtually every famous pretty woman, including Katie Holmes. Still plays today even though he’s entering his 56th season and my wife thinks I’m a dork—I mean, his wife thinks he’s a dork. By far my favorite player. Ever.