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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Friday, July 30, 2004
I Love VH1

Random Thoughts while Watching the I Love the… Series on VH1

It’s 34 years later. Are people really still mad at Yoko Ono for breaking up the Beatles? I think it might be time to let this go. They should be more upset at her for her art, and the fact that she still can’t speak English after living here for 40 years.

I have to say something about ALF: His nose looks a little too much like a penis for me to be comfortable looking at him for an extended period of time.

VH1 put out an official I Love the 90s CD and there isn’t one grunge song on it. How on Earth did this playlist get the green light? I don’t think I’ve seen a robbery this bad since Jordan picked Malone’s pocket in Game 6 of the 1998 Finals. Seriously, load this album up with a little more Wilson Phillips. That’ll move the product.

Remember when the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman got married and had the evil Bionic son that they had to defeat to save the world? Was the Bionic kid born bionic or did he become bionic after birth like his parents? I think if he was born bionic we should explore the technology side of this.

It turns out that it’s not some big joke. ABBA really was popular in the 1970s.

Exactly what was the First Lady of the United States doing slumming it with Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges on a primetime sitcom? I think the great irony of this whole thing is that after that episode, both Todd Bridges and Dana Plato were arrested for drug-related crime. I think when Nancy Reagan looks back on her life she has to consider this among her greatest regrets.

What ever happened to Raj from What’s Happening!? He was probably the most underdeveloped main character on a sitcom in the entire decade. Think about it. It was his family in the show and the show was about three black kids. He was the main character on that show but Rerun, Shirley and even Dee overshadowed him. The whole show was really underrated. I think every suburban kid used to walk down the street with their friends bouncing a basketball like those guys did.

When are we going to get Courtney Love her own reality show? Who do I need to call to make this happen?

Maybe it’s just me, but I find it extremely difficult to be nostalgic about things like Austin Powers when everyone is still running around talking like fucking Dr. Evil and it had a sequel come out in the theaters a year and a half ago. Hey, everyone, remember Lord of the Rings? Man, that was good times.

Now, something I’m legitimately nostalgic for: grunge. You could not shower and you weren’t the smelly kid in class; it was just a fashion statement. You got to dress like shit and no one cared. The music was amazingly kickass. Of course, Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley are dead. Soundgarden broke up. Pearl Jam hasn’t made a decent record since Vitalogy. Great, now I’m not nostalgic. I’m depressed.

If I were running the networks, Luis Guzman would have a show that could never be canceled. Every word this man utters is a riot. In fact, I wish he could follow me around and comment on what I’m doing as I do it. I don’t think I’d get anything done, ever. Seriously.

What happens when Scott Ian from Anthrax has to scratch his chin? Does he just lift that long goatee up from the bottom and scratch? Would that even work? Or do you think he shaves and starts all over again?

What do you think it’s like to be Pee Wee Herman? You rise through the TV ranks as an overgrown child. You get caught jerking off in a movie theater. Then, as an unrelated part of a child pornography ring, your collection of antique erotica gets confiscated. Every time this guy goes to take a piss, everyone thinks he’s going to give it a tug. Poor bastard.

I have to say it: Ice-T is the coolest person in the world. Period. End of discussion.

Can someone explain to me how or why John Fugelsang is famous? What exactly does he do? Other than be annoying.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.