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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, July 27, 2004

VH1’s I Love Christopher Monks’s Labor Day Weekend 1986

On Christopher Monks’s big date with Heather Hennessey:

Hal Sparks: That night every ounce of his skinny 16-year-old frame was excited. Christopher was like, “Mommy, Mommy! I finally might get to kiss a girl!”

Michael Ian Black: He looked adorable in his Miami Vice–inspired pastel outfit. Except he couldn’t decide whether to be Crockett or Tubbs, so he settled for something in between and wound up looking like an extra in a Frankie Goes to Hollywood video.

Rachael Harris: The date started off pretty well. They went to see Top Gun. He bought a jumbo-sized popcorn and some Junior Mints. Boy, did he ever pound down the food. Of course, as we all know now that would come back to haunt him in a major way.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: It was cute how he and Heather held hands in the movie theater. I remember him trying to hide his tears from her when Goose died. For some reason Goose’s death really affected him. It was SO CUTE.

‘Weird Al’ Yankovic: After the movie they stood outside her house on her porch steps. Tentatively he leaned in to kiss her and their lips met. It was all Christopher had hoped it would be. Until he threw up in her mouth.

Stuart Scott: My boy C-Dawg regurgitated popcorn and Junior Mints like it was going out of style. When he finally finished, Heather’s porch looked like Linda Blair’s bedroom on the set of The Exorcist.

On the day after his big date with Heather Hennessey:

Dee Snider: He was pretty disconsolate. I think he set an all-time record for eating doughnuts and crying.

Loni Love: They were Entenmann’s doughnuts, the kind with the crumb cake-like top. Eating one is tasty, but eating nineteen is asking for diabetes, honey.

Kim Fields: His dad tried to console him. It was sweet. However, I don’t think a Traci Lords video marathon was the best way to get Christopher out of his funk.

Traci Lords: He watched me have sex for, like, hours and hours. It was kind of strange because legally he wasn’t old enough to watch my videos. But then again, neither was I.

Mo Rocca: It was an endless cycle. He’d cry, eat a doughnut, then watch some porn. Cry, doughnuts, porn. Cry, doughnuts, porn… actually, when you think about it, it doesn’t sound half bad.

On attending the Wham! concert with his gay uncle, Darrell:

Carnie Wilson: Given his emotional state, it wasn’t the best place for Christopher to be, but his uncle had invited him and his parents wouldn’t let him decline.

Alf: His parents were swingers. Still are, actually. They were hosting a big party that night and needed to get him out of the house.

That guy from those 7-Up commercials: The Wham! concert only seemed to make him more depressed. Christopher was a huge Andrew Ridgely fan, but it was disheartening seeing him play air guitar in person.

Apollonia: Darrell had a good time, though. He hooked up with George Michael in his dressing room and left Christopher to get home by himself.

Hulk Hogan: As he was leaving the concert, Christopher saw Heather making out with his best friend, Ben Affleck, on the hood of his Yugo. OUCH!

Ben Affleck: Christopher who? Sorry, but I don’t remember him.

Stephen Hawking: Oh that was awful. Christopher was all like, “Heather! Heather! Why? Why!? Why!?!” And she was all like, “Shut-up, Francis, Ben’s my boyfriend now.” And Christopher was all like, “But I didn’t mean to vomit in your mouth! And my name’s not Francis!” It was an ugly scene. Ug-ly.

Kathy Griffin: So where does a guy go after something that humiliating happens to him? Why Dunkin’ Donuts of course!

Boutros-Boutros Gali: Before you could say, “Time to make the donuts,” Christopher was all bloated and puffy from eating two dozen honey-dipped sticks. Then to make matters worse he came home to find his dad having sex in the backyard with Heather Hennessey’s mother.

Pope John Paul II: Talk about having a bad weekend! Geesh! What a loser!

Christopher Monks works hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. So hard for the money so you better treat him right…What’s a matter? You don’t believe he works that hard? Well, who are you to judge? Are you Judgey McJudge or something? Wait, are you? No, really; tell me. I want to know. I’ve heard about Judgey McJudge and from all reports I understand it’s best not to cross him. So in the chance that you are Judgey McJudge, I apologize and please don’t eat my cat. If you’d like to see how Christopher Monks works hard for the money, visit his Web site Utter Wonder.