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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, August 23, 2004
The Choire Sicha Roast

"I Fucked Choire"

by N.Y.C.’s celebrity underbelly

Jim McGreevey “I care deeply for Choire and I know he does me, because when we had a bitter lovers’ spat, he never once threatened blackmail, thus causing me to out myself in gubernatorial shame. Also, he’s got arms like rubber bands.”

Three of the Five Queer Eye Guys
“It was dark and there were six of us (we five + Choire), some coke, and a 36-pack of Trojans. In the morning nobody could remember what did who, but a quick tally of used goods pointed to three acts involving Choire, who, by the way, fled with the rest of the coke and also, for some reason, our butter. What a weirdo.”

Andy Dick 
“Who minds the stepchildren? Choire does. He minds the shit out of them.”

Courtney Love 
“What? Who you calling Courtney Sicko? You can’t arrest me! I’m not hungry! I’m the biggest hamburger in town. My right breast tastes like melancholy. Absalom, Absalom! Not without my daughter!”

Rick Salomon
“Christ, his phone rings off the hook. And he answers every single time. Denton called four times. Paris called twice. Not only did his mom call, but mine did too. Yap, yap, yap. Oh, um, check Fleshbot in about fifteen minutes. I’m a-gonna upload my night-vision snuff video. There have been major advances in night-vision technology in the last year.”

Tara Reid
“Look we were really shitfaced the both of us. I thought he was the guy who plays Jack from Will & Grace and he thought I was Ricky Schroeder. Anyway, he stole my panties and I think he still wears them. *Hiccup* Ooh, ’scuse me. I think I’ve got to go poopsie now.”

Chris Kattan
“Before we did it, he begged me to dress up like Mango. So we broke into the S.N.L. studio, got the costume, and then had freaky sex on the Brian Fellow set. You don’t think Lorne is going to read this, do you? I can’t screw up. Corky Romano 2 is in development.”

Mike Piazza
“Why don’t you people believe me? I called a news conference, for Christ’s sake. I’m not gay! Look, I met Choire late last year in a bar in Chelsea. We had a couple of drinks and then hung out at my place and had anal sex. If that makes me gay, then fine, I’m gay. But I don’t really see a story here.”

Tinkerbell Hilton
“Yuck. His underpants taste worse than Nicole Richie’s.”

Graham Norton
“I’m not just gay, I’m also British. Not only that, I host the flamboyantest show on TV. Put all that together and I’m as flaming as a Vietnamese monk circa 1968. But, damn, I’m downright macho compared to Choire.”

Mary-Kate Olsen
“Choire and I have sooo much in common: snorting coke, making ourselves puke up our lunch, and we both think Ashley’s a slanch.”