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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, September 27, 2004   |    Birthday Cards to Celebrities

Happy Birthday, Wilford Brimley!

September 27, 1934 | Wilford Brimley | oatmeal spokesperson

Dear Mr. Brimley,

Were you ever a young man? With a name like Wilford Brimley, I feel as though you have been an old man since the day you were born. Photographic evidence supports this contention. For crying out loud, all you do is play the role of old men. Cocoon, the grandfather in the Chad Allen show “Our House,” Cocoon: The Return. It’s all old people. And according to your IMDb biography, you were a blacksmith. A blacksmith! You’ve been trained in a profession that has no practical application anymore. If I’m ever looking for a really old, heavyset guy who kind of looks like a walrus and has been trained as a blacksmith to be in my movie, I’ll know who to call.

Happy Birthday!

Geoff Wolinetz

P.S. Do you have a mouth or do you talk out of your moustache?

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