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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Conversations with My Mother Which Suggest She May Secretly Be a Primatologist

Kevin Zeidler

“All right, Mom, I’m taking off to go see Travis.”

“So then ‘Travis’ would be one of your core friends for whom you have no romantic feelings and to whom you can relate because of shared identification as being homosexual.”

“Uhh … what?”

“9:25 p.m. … subject … quote … taking off … end quote … to visit ‘Travis.’ … platonically(??)”

“Mom, what are you writing?”


* * *

“10:07 p.m. Subject consuming hot beverages outside a café with homosexual male friend, ‘Travis.’ Two females sit beside the two males and participate in conversation, at times laughing. Female presence: possible indication of gay males’ desire for female communication unfulfilled romantically.”

“Did you follow me here, Mom?”

“Naturalistic observation henceforth terminated due to discovery of the researcher by subject.”

“Why are you talking into a tape recorder?”


* * *

“11:42 p.m. Subject should be in bed. Researcher has changed locations to a spot underneath an adjacent table and is fighting an urge to condemn subject for smoking.”

“Who are you, Mom? Jane Goodall?”

“Subject has again spotted the researcher. Appears livid. Possible normal expression of adolescent resent for parent in the midst of burgeoning self-identity.”

“Am I an ape to you?”

“Subject continues to vent his rage towards the researcher. Fascinating.”

“Could you just like, maybe, try to relate for once instead of examining me under some sort of cold, myopic lens?”

“Ow. Headache.”

“Are you incapable of that?”



“Go to your enclosed habitat.”

Kevin Zeidler is a green banana, unripe, and therefore unable to vote the current president out of office, sign up for Friendster, grow a soul patch, or buy an inflatable sex doll from the Hustler store. A high-school senior and scholarly student from San Diego, California, his comparatively low balance in the Bank of Age leaves him with no impressive credentials, but in lieu of these, he finds it possible to get by on charm, wit, and sexual favors alone.