My fellow Americans, I implore you to reëlect George W. Bush, unless, of course, you want to get a Raw Deal.
Vote George W. Bush for your Commando-in-Chief!
John Kerry claims to have spent Christmas in Cambodia
If your front porch collapses and kills eight dogs that support school vouchers, you are a Republican!
If you’ve ever put a tattoo of Ronald Reagan on layaway, you are a Republican!
If you’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow to wear to a pro-life rally, you are a Republican!
If you’ve ever gone to a family reunion to meet women who share your views in favor of school prayer, it’s more likely than not that you are a Republican!
If you’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame to display your N.R.A. membership, there is an incredibly good chance that you are a Republican!
If your doctor bills you in chickens, which you gladly pay due to your staunch opposition to universal single-payer healthcare, you, my friend, are a Republican!
If you own a home that is mobile, five cars that aren’t and a subscription to The American Spectator, I’d venture a guess that you are a Republican!
If biker gangs back down from your mama after she presents evidence discounting global warming, I would go out on a limb and say you are a Republican!
If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish while on a weekend getaway with Vice President Dick Cheney and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, you, for all intents and purposes, are a Republican!
If your idea of quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper and your idea of marriage is a union between one man and one woman, you guessed it, you are a Republican!
If you mow your lawn and find a car with a “Ford/Dole ’76” bumper sticker on it, all signs point to you being a Republican!
If you refer to the fifth grade as “my senior year” and affirmative action as “reverse racism,” I’d bet dollars to donuts that you are a Republican!