Thursday, September 2, 2004
The Republican Convention in N.Y.C.

My fellow Americans, I implore you to reëlect George W. Bush, unless, of course, you want to get a Raw Deal.

Vote George W. Bush for your Commando-in-Chief!

John Kerry claims to have spent Christmas in Cambodia but I directed Christmas in Connecticut!

If your front porch collapses and kills eight dogs that support school vouchers, you are a Republican!

If you’ve ever put a tattoo of Ronald Reagan on layaway, you are a Republican!

If you’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow to wear to a pro-life rally, you are a Republican!

If you’ve ever gone to a family reunion to meet women who share your views in favor of school prayer, it’s more likely than not that you are a Republican!

If you’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame to display your N.R.A. membership, there is an incredibly good chance that you are a Republican!

If your doctor bills you in chickens, which you gladly pay due to your staunch opposition to universal single-payer healthcare, you, my friend, are a Republican!

If you own a home that is mobile, five cars that aren’t and a subscription to The American Spectator, I’d venture a guess that you are a Republican!

If biker gangs back down from your mama after she presents evidence discounting global warming, I would go out on a limb and say you are a Republican!

If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish while on a weekend getaway with Vice President Dick Cheney and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, you, for all intents and purposes, are a Republican!

If your idea of quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper and your idea of marriage is a union between one man and one woman, you guessed it, you are a Republican!

If you mow your lawn and find a car with a “Ford/Dole ’76” bumper sticker on it, all signs point to you being a Republican!

If you refer to the fifth grade as “my senior year” and affirmative action as “reverse racism,” I’d bet dollars to donuts that you are a Republican!

By day, Matthew Tobey is an editor for All Movie Guide. By night, he operates the Web log The City of Floating Blogs. By afternoon, he will have thought of at least three things that would have made this bio funnier. He is happily married, used to edit Haypenny and enjoys writing about himself in the third person. He can be contacted at

My Keynote Address for Tonight’s Family Dinner While I acknowledge these weaknesses in our family, I am profoundly optimistic about our future. Ours is a great family because we have faith, we have unity, and we have TiVo.
The As-Yet-Unaired Third "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" Advertisement John Kerry borrowed five dollars from me, and when I asked for it back, he shook his head, looked confused and said, “What five dollars?”
The Republican Convention in N.Y.C.
Y.P.R.'s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. 2004 In which Y.P.R. covers the Republican invasion of its home town.

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