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Monday, September 27, 2004   |    Fiction

Dispatches from the V.I.P. Lounge

by Daniel Maurer

Dear Brian,

I have been inside the V.I.P. lounge for fifteen minutes now. It is lonely without you. So much noise, so much movement, so many Kangol hats. I have been preparing for this moment for so long, but I never knew it would be like this. I have met a man who tells me he has been here for three hours. Can you imagine, Brian—three hours! He is very nice and has been helping me, showing me the right way to hold my Crystal, etc. I have not been here long but already I can feel a sort of solidarity among the Very Important People here—but that does not mean I don’t miss you horribly. I am sorry that the bouncer Pedro didn’t let you in with me, but I told you not to wear that Indian camise, it is just not very flattering on you. Say hello to all of my friends out there in the main room, tell them to keep on dancing.

Much love,

Dear Brian,

I have been in the V.I.P. room for two hours now and I have so much to say. It is like nothing I have experienced before. I don’t think I can begin to describe it to someone who has not been here; the others say they have the same problem. The flashing lights, the futuristic wall decorations, the free cosmos the Vietnamese busboy keeps bringing me. I think of you often, but I must stay here. I hope you understand. They have just put on “Back that Ass Up” (the bass is amazing here, not like in the main room at all) and a man in a Prada tracksuit says he is going to get me real absinthe as soon as his driver is back in cell range. Imagine, Brian, your girlfriend drinking absinthe! I do miss dancing in the main room with you and the others, but I feel like this is the place for me to be right now, I know you will understand.

Remembering you fondly,

Dear ???

Five hours. So wasted Random guy’s hand left thigh Who let dogs out?


Dear Patron of Club Excalibur,

It is with our most sincere and heartfelt sympathies that we must inform you that your girlfriend,     Kitty     will not be returning from the V.I.P. lounge. Because Club Excalibur is sensitive to the fact that your bereavement may leave you eager for any available information about the tragic loss of your girlfriend, we feel it is our duty to inform you that she     jetted with some playa     while she was     (conscious / unconscious)     .

If you wish to talk to someone about your grief, please call 245-1221 and press 1 to reach a Club Excalibur grief counselor. You will be charged $2.95 per minute but you will also receive $1 off your next $13 drink at Excalibur (bottom-shelf liquors only).

With sincere empathy,
Pedro “Crusher” Camacho

Daniel Maurer can also be found at McSweeney’s, Stop Smiling, Modern Drunkard, The Modernist, The Black Table. Free Williamsburg, Broken Newz, and Mr. Beller’s Neighborhood. He has also written for Nerve, Shecky's, Arriviste Press, Metro newspaper, and others.