Monday, September 27, 2004 | Etc.
Cheese-Fancying Readers of Y.P.R.
In our (now antiquated) submissions guidelines, we asked writers to include with their work a list of three reasons why they liked to eat cheese. There was no good reason for asking this—or if there was we’ve forgotten it. In any case, we’ve got all this raw data that is not particularly interesting (except, maybe, in that it exists at all) or useful, but it is collected. So, if you’re really, really bored or really, really curious about why people like to eat cheese, enjoy. (And, if you are, in fact, really, really curious about why people like to eat cheese, please do tell us why that interests you: i_like_people_who_like_cheese @ yankeepotroast.org.)
I like cheese because:
I promise to lavish your desk with my favorite cheeses… muenster, provolone and cheddar. But I must confess I don’t like any of them all that well.
Cheese: I like to eat cheese because I am lactose intolerant. I like to eat cheese because I am lactose intolerant and cheese forces me into fits of vomiting and violent diarrhea. I like to eat cheese because sometimes when you are out to dinner or a guest in someone’s home and they are not exactly people you know terribly well, in that case, fits of vomiting and violent diarrhea might not be the most appropriate place to take the conversation so instead you smile a bit and say yes I like to eat cheese and then quietly excuse yourself to the bathroom.
I like lots of cheese melted, covering, stringy in a large pan of lasagna.
Uno: Mold is one of the four basic food groups in my home, though not by choice.
Dos: Blue cheese, Stilton, and Roquefort have pleasing striations of mold that provide a lovely color complement to the greenish blue hair on the celery in my crisper.
Tres: Cheese is creamy.
I do not like to eat cheese; I find it has more of an effect if snorted.
My reasons for eating cheese are: 1) because I’m not lactose intolerant; 2) because I know people who ARE lactose intolerant and like to gloat like a bastard; and 3) because the Gods of Dairy demand it.
I like cheese because it cures the shakes.
I like cheese because it coats the throat.
I like cheese because cheese likes me.
Three reasons I like to eat cheese: Snob appeal and because I am lactose-obsessive. Oh, and it tastes good, especially brie.
Three facts about cheese: Sometimes cheese is yellow. Sometimes cheese is not. I don’t like blue cheese.
I like cheese because
Why I like to eat cheese:
Reason 1: It enhances the flavor of everything except my weekday breakfast food (Frosted Mini-Wheats ®).
Reason 2: With the right mysterious organic material and a warm, damp environment—and plenty of patience—I can make my own.
Reason 3: It goes perfectly with beer (I’m a pretty refined dude like that).
As to the three reasons why I eat cheese, well, it’s all so simple, isn’t it? It melts, it sounds funny when you say it, and it’s incredibly fattening.
For the record, I’m lactose intolerant and enjoy cheese only when I’m feeling cruel and self-deprecating. And Pepper Jack preferably, then.
I like cheese because it is yellow, white, and brown—and often in the same bite.
I would tell you all sorts of things about cheese, but I’ve given up discussing dairy products for Lent. Sorry.
I eat cheese for the following three reasons: location, location, location.
As for cheese, I don’t care how fucking runny it is.
The cheese-eating reasons: it keeps me alive, it keeps me smiling, it keeps me sexy.
Paper beats cheese, although scissors beats ’em both.
There cannot possibly be three valid reasons to like eating cheese.
Three reasons I like to eat cheese:
I like cheese because it is rotten.
I like cheese because it sweats.
I like cheese because I can eat it molten.
I like my cheese the same way I like my men: smelly, bitter, and in individually wrapped slices. Do a lot of people tell you they like to cut the cheese?
I can not say that I have often reflected on why I like cheese, however under duress my three top reasons are as follows:
THREE REASONS I EAT CHEESE!
Three reasons I like to eat cheese:
Oh, and I like to eat cheese because it makes my farts stink, it makes me sleepy and it triggers my irritable bowel syndrome.
I like cheese because: Pizza would be awful without it; it’s Atkins-approved (Yeah, right. If someone says “no/lo carb” to me one more time I’m gonna kick them hard), and it’s one way of catching mice if you live in the city. (I do.)
Cheese is good. I like it on Packer fans’ heads. I don’t like it on toes.
Three reasons I like eating cheese:
And about the cheese: reason: 1) it’s great with olives (not so with pickled onions), 2) try it grated in the centre split of a hot dog with chili and barbecue sauce plus, of course, fried onions and 3) the reässurance that despite the high calcium content protecting teeth for all those many, many uses, the teeth factor detracts from the fat content which should be ignored when considering brie is nothing less than sublime.
The author’s interest in cheese is varied and cannot be contained within three simple dictates. As a random sampling, he would have to say he holds cheese close to his heart because:
O.K., I like cheese because it’s not healthy; because it wouldn’t be a cheeseburger without it; and I like to melt it to boiling point and drip it on my enemies.
To “eat cheese” is to rat somebody out.
I eat a lot of cheese because I’m a vegetarian, because it has a lot of calcium, and because I like it.
Yo, cheese. Three reasons. First, two words: melted on a stick. Right? Mmmm. Second? Cheesy s’mores, the perfect Hallowe’en treat. Graham cracker, chocolate, cheese slab, marshmallow, graham cracker. Mmmm. Third, it has something to do with Babe the Pig… wait, it’s coming to me… a voice… the “Behold: The power of cheese” voice is in the movie Babe. See? So six degrees of Kevin Bacon goes like this: Kevin Bacon; Bacon=pig; pig=Babe; then the part about the voice; then the Cheese guy and the “Behold” thingy and WHAMO! You guys are related to Kevin Bacon.
As to cheese:
Eating cheese sucks.