Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Workaday blues got you down? Sick of your job, spouse, and/or children? Convinced that life is just a long, desperate descent toward oblivion, punctuated by pain, loss, and disappointment? Well, you’re in luck—because we’ve got a dozen simple suggestions that can turn your life around in a hurry, and get you back on the fast track to health, wealth, and kickassness everlasting:

  1. Although 80s retro is all the rage, we suggest you lose the parachute pants. You’re generally not supposed to wear pants in the shower anyway.

  2. Never spank your daughter on a crowded street; it makes people uncomfortable. Instead, spank her on stage in a crowded nightclub, preferably accompanied by a pit band playing “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” And instead of your daughter, use a stripper. And instead of yourself, use another stripper.

  3. While chewing one’s cud is considered appropriate for cows, it’s not going to win you any points at your arraignment.

  4. In case you haven’t noticed, the language you’re using is offensive. In the future, please refrain from speaking Spanish.

  5. Fight fire with fire. However, if fire isn’t available, try fighting fire with water or a fire extinguisher.

  6. Don’t eat with your mouth open. Food is properly ingested only through the tear ducts.

  7. If you’re having trouble remembering your phone number, you can construct a handy mnemonic device such as this one: If your number is 299-1360, just think of the population of Armenia, which happens to be 2,991,360. If this isn’t your number, find another country with a seven-digit population, and ask the phone company to change your number accordingly. Alternately, write your phone number down on a piece of paper and carry it in your wallet.

  8. Hygiene is important—be sure to bathe, groom, and thoroughly disinfect your slaves on a daily basis.

  9. We realize you were just making the most of the “bully pulpit” afforded you by your position as assistant produce manager at Wegman’s, but some of the more elaborate points of your speech about the Jewish menace may have been lost on that sewing circle.

  10. Although “fantasy football league” and “fantasy chat-room sex” both contain the word “fantasy,” it’s best not to confuse the subject matters of the two, especially when talking to your dad.

  11. Connie Selleca is never going to call you back, so you can quit checking your freaking messages every five minutes.

  12. When you get the urge to eavesdrop, distract yourself by thinking of really interesting ways to die.

Ian Carey considers himself the victim of a particularly ingenious curse from one or more wrathful gods, as evidenced by his slight talent in several artistic disciplines but adequate talent in none—a rare and tragic malady he believes to be shared by not more than 82 percent of his generation. His attempts to bravely persevere in the face of this self-created calamity have been seen at McSweeney’s, and are available in a more frequent (and therefore less potent) dosage at his Web site, Wrapped Up Like a Douche.

Things You Can Accomplish before Conan Takes Over The Tonight Show in 2009 Long-term life projects while you wait to catch the talk-show host one hour earlier.
Blurbs "...they're just working class dudes who happen to be pants-down funny." --The Black Table "charming guttersnipes" --Gawker "pithy and always entertaining" --Maud Newton "cheeky young lads" --TMFTML "totally McSwys without the air of condescension." --whatevs (dot org) "no-foolin', laugh-inducin' literary...
Closing Statements from the Castaways’ Presidential Debate The weather reports remained unread in the Skipper’s cabin, and the Minnow WAS lost.

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