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Monday, October 4, 2004

My Predictions for Major League Baseball’s Post Season

Dennis Proctor

Sammy Sosa will refuse to play a single game in the National League Championship Series after fellow Cub Greg Maddux accidentally deletes all the episodes of Wife Swap from the team’s TiVo.

Unfulfilled after breaking George Sisler’s single-season hit record and disappointed over his own team’s dismal performance this year, Ichiro Suzuki will join the Oakland Athletics as a volunteer batboy. In the first inning of Game 1 of the A.L.D.S., Ichiro will set a brand new record, becoming the first Japanese volunteer batboy to take a dump in shallow left field during a post-season game.

St. Louis Cardinals’ announcer Mike Shannon will be fired midway through Game 4 of the N.L.C.S. after referring to all-star slugger Albert Pujols as “my little jelly bean” seventy-three straight times.

Game 3 of the American League Division Series between the New York Yankees and the Minnesota Twins will end in an explosive bench-clearing brawl after some geese fly out onto the field and talk major smack about both teams’ mommas.

After a devastating wave of food poisoning sweeps through the Los Angeles clubhouse rendering every Dodger pitcher completely immobile, Hall of Famer Sandy Koufax will be unexpectedly forced out of retirement. The 68-year-old lefty will not fair well through the first three innings, giving up 9 runs on 11 hits, however, everything will turn around for Sandy and his new teammates when an ingenious plan involving heat-activated itching powder and one Dustin “Screech” Diamond saves the day, and the series.

Celebrity Red Sox fan Ben Affleck will make headlines when he murders Pedro Martinez in cold blood.

Minnesota Twins’ ace Johan Santana will make baseball and rock ’n’ roll history when he invites legendary Mexican-born American guitarist Carlos Santana onto the field during the seventh-inning stretch for a seventh-inning SMOOCH! The impromptu make-out session will give Johan the gas he needs to blaze through the next nine Yankee batters and rack up a remarkably smooth complete game shutout.

One day before Game 1 of the World Series, A-Rod will quit baseball outright when his cover of Gloria Estefan’s “1-2-3” hits number 63 on the Billboard Hot 100.

In the climatic fifth inning of Game 5 of the N.L.D.S., the tension will reach new heights when Atlanta starting pitcher Russ Ortiz hurls two consecutive fastballs past St. Louis second baseman Tony Womack’s chin. Understandably furious, Womack will immediately whip out his American Express and threaten to charge the mound. “Ohhh, To-ny!” the sold-out Turner Field crowd will groan in unison, chuckling heartily and high-fiving well into the seventh inning.

The Chicago Cubs will stage the greatest comeback in the history of baseball when they beat the New York Yankees four times straight after being down three games to nothing. During the post-game World Series celebration, every member of the Cubs will credit hard work and determination, save Nomar Garciaparra who will give repeated props to Donald Sutherland.

Post-Script: Please forgive the horribly inaccurate team selections contained within this hilariously fictitious baseball piece, as this was penned well before the Cubs and the A’s melted down. I’ve always been a lousy post-season prophet. Unfortunately for Pedro Martinez, I’m 3 and 0 in predicting post-season homicides. — D.P.
Dennis Proctor invented condensed milk in the 1850s and later the popular Lazy Susan table aid, but he struck out with one other invention: the poorly-received "meat biscuit." He was an editor of Haypenny. He is Deckie Holmes.