Monday, November 1, 2004

Hey, kids! Tired of boring old Silly Putty™—that gook in a plastic egg you can slap down on a comic and it picks up the image? You can reform Batman® to look like the Joker®. You stretch out Robin® so he’s a slithery snake. You show them to friends and they laugh…

But not enough! ’Cuz “Blam!” and “Kapow!” are just “!malB” and “!wopaK,” and that’s about as much fun as Silly Putty™ gets—pretty soon your magic putty is back in its egg to be lost among the dirty socks and candy wrappers under the bed.

But wait! Now there’s something you can really use! A putty you can not only stretch, but actually print pictures with! Kids, be the first to show up at school with the brand-new, totally fun and fabulous KELLEY PUTTY!™

KELLEY PUTTY!™ is not limited to mere comics. You can pick up images from: photographs, books, government documents, even people’s fingerprints and foreheads!

You can distort images by pulling your KELLEY PUTTY!™ into new shapes and words. And best of all, now you can print these distorted KELLEY PUTTY!™ images onto a different sheet of paper so that all your friends can see them correctly. (Reams of paper sold separately.)

Bad report card? Just slap, twist, wham! There’s a new one, and you’ve gotten five bucks instead of five vicious swats with Dad’s belt!

And those enemies at school! You can make whole books about them. That primadonna Liz, who got to play Cleopatra in the school play? With a mere picture of her, some KELLEY PUTTY!™ and a few blank pages (sold separately), you can show her in her latest role—as Jabba the Hut®! And the turdy Mikey guy she likes? He can become Dianna Ross®’s corpse, wearing Cap’n Crunch®’s uniform.

Frankie, who always wants everything his way? Miss Nancy, the goody two-shoes? The rich snot Jackie, or Lizzie, who thinks she’s a queen? You can stretch the truth about all of them!

The possibilities are endless with fun and fabulous KELLEY PUTTY!™. Hey, there’s always that creepy class president. Did he cheat or what? Now’s your chance to show him up just as he’s trying to win another popularity contest. There are pictures of him everywhere. People want to find out all about him and all of his brothers; maybe even about his Mom. Take action! Take Advantage! Press KELLEY PUTTY!™ into service on photos, cartoons, memories, old report cards. Stretch things out. Print things down. This can be a monumental task, but it’ll be worth it!

You can turn him into a kindergartner looking up skirts during naptime! You can prove he dumped all his toy soldiers in a bucket of oil. You can show him with powerful friends, peeing in the sandbox. You can make him puke, fart, and blow stupid sentences past his lips! You can stretch and stretch, because KELLEY PUTTY!™ is guaranteed for at least 600 pages of whatever you care to print!

And remember, Kids! KELLEY PUTTY!™ not only is loads of fun for the whole family, but with it you can print things that are completely unauthorized, uncorroborated, and therefore nearly untraceable! They can even be almost unreadable!

Print the straight truth, print distortions—no one will know what to believe, but your classmates will beg you to take their lunch money so they can find out all about K-I-S-S-I-N-G, and turtles in girdles, and all sorts of things they’re too afraid to try themselves. Who cares if any one believes you, as long as you’re popular and can get extra deserts?

Buy your own container of fun and fabulous KELLEY PUTTY!™ today!

Available at the toy and gift section of Barnes & Noble.

George Motisher first achieved fame as a scientist. He set up the original double-blind study that proved conclusively which items actually did beat a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and has recently conducted research into how socio-economic factors play a role in turning good cholesterol bad. His research results have been published in Well Known Scientific Journal and Respected International Quarterly, and he has been recognized by Prestigious Organization of World-Renowned Researchers. He became a writer as part of a study of poverty.

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