Monday, November 1, 2004

In the four years that George W. Bush has officiated as President of The United States of America, this country has seen a plummeting economy, a terrorist attack on our home soil, the installation of laws abridging personal freedoms, and an extravagantly costly war in a foreign country which has accomplished little in the name of which it was begun.

In this time, President George W. Bush has granted few interviews, and fewer press conferences. For the first time, an historic opportunity was granted by the White House for Wenner Media, and a sitting President has agreed to be interviewed for Rolling Stone.

Kurt Loder, former senior editor of the magazine, and now senior editor of MTV News, sat down at Camp David with, arguably, the most infamous man in America, to tackle the really serious subjects.

Rolling Stone: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Thank you for agreeing to this interview.

George W. Bush: Well, I was determined to reach “the young people” and “the counter-culture.” I have a message for them, and I want them to know I am there for them. I want to reach them. No matter how divided our nation may be, I am available. We are all God’s children.

R.S.: What is your message?

W: That I am here for them, that I am available. We are all God’s children.

R.S.: But, isn’t it fair to say that you … haven’t made yourself all that available in your tenure as President?

W: Well, let me just say, Kurt, that I am here now.

R.S.: Very good.

W: So, you have some questions for me I take it. (Smiles.)

R.S.: Many questions, but I think it bears mentioning that I had to submit my questions for review by your staff …

W: Well, that’s a security precaution. We are fighting a war against terror. We must examine all the facts.

R.S.: True, but I can’t really ask you everything I wanted to ask you …

W: Well, again, that’s uh … that’s the way we feel would be best to represent our nation, our country, America, during this time of extreme turmoil. We are waging a war against terror. But you go ahead and ask me the questions you do have, and I will answer them all. (Smiles.) You have questions, we have answers! I love that commercial!

R.S.: Okay. If you are reëlected to another term, do you foresee a time when Guns N’ Roses will finally release Chinese Democracy?

W: That’s—let me first start by saying that John Kerry has promised that he will not cut taxes. But given his so-called “plans,” many of which were examined by our economists—which is a bipartisan committee of people who … who are … they’re bi-partisan! They looked at it! The Kerry plan will not work, and as a result, the American people would face a deficit that would deprive each and every American citizen … in America, of upwards of—I think it was … close to … a lot of their household income. This is the same man who voted for tax increases, uh … a whole bunch of times in the Senate. And who will shoulder that burden? America. The American people. He says he wants to “change the regime,” but there’s only more of the same with him. He says one thing, and does another. Says one thing, does another. Which, if you ask me, is the real “Chinese democracy.” Doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t add up. Right idea, wrong way to go about it. And I will not lead this country, America, down that road. So, there will be no “Chinese democracy.” Not while I am President.

R.S.: I see. Sort of.

W: He can run … but he can’t hide!

R.S.: You say that a lot lately.

W: It needs to be said.

R.S.: But it has all the finesse of a Campbell’s Soup commercial. Isn’t it like saying “Mmm, mmm, good!” over and over?

W: I like soup … You got another question?

R.S.: I have a lot of questions.

W: Hey—you know what’s on my Top 10 Best Records of All Time? Do ya? I bet you’d be real surprised!

R.S.: Go ahead …

W: I just love ZZ Top! (Singing:) She’s got legs …

R.S.: I’m impressed.

W: Well, a lot of people don’t know that ZZ Top actually played my Inaugural Party when I won the election four years ago.

R.S.: Really?

W: It’s true—hey, look it up! [Giggles.] I love them guys! Laura and the girls don’t like them so much, but how can you deny the power of a song like “La Grange”?

R.S.: A wonderfully ineloquent band filled with riffs firmly rooted in the Delta blues of the South.

W: I don’t know what you’re talking about there, Kurt. I just enjoy the part in the beginning where they mumble and go “How how how.” [Giggles.] I just love that so much. Cheney does a good ZZ Top!

R.S.: Let’s change the subject a little bit here …

W: Well, all right.

R.S.: P2P file-sharing and downloading on the Internet.

W: I do not think that … America is … the internets?

R.S.: Record companies feel they are losing money to the downloading of music from the Internet.

W: The Constitution says … and I’m not at all certain … well, I like Hank Williams. Did I mention that?

R.S.: No. Let’s talk about Neil Young and Bob Dylan for a few minutes …

W: Who?

The Rolling Stone interview with George W. Bush concludes in the next issue.

Excerpt from The Family Matters: The Real Story of the Winslow Dynasty Judy Winslow disappeared after the fourth season.
Book Club
Kitty Kelley's The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty In which Y.P.R. throws (Heinz brand) tomatoes at Ms. Kelley's tell-all biography about our nation's first family.
The Adams Family: My Ill Fated Attempt at Writing a Tell-All Biography about the Adams Dynasty without Doing Any Actual Research The White House at that time was not really white but was actually the hollowed-out carcass of a grizzly bear.

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