Thursday, November 4, 2004

Good evening, fellow members of the M.P.C.A.W.E.U.V.O.C.C.O.F.B. Well, we did it!

[Cheers and applause.]

This is truly a great day for us, and for all America. The candidate we settled on at the very last minute has emerged victorious, and we can now look forward to receiving everything that we so richly deserve.

[More cheers.]

Many in the media have questioned our organization, and still do, even in victory. They call us illogical, uninformed, contradictory, nonsensical. So let me take this opportunity to remind those people why we, as avowed Moderate, Pro-Choice, Anti-War, Environmentalist Undecided Voters, so strongly support our victorious candidate, George W. Bush.

Firstly, unlike what the biased Liberal Media would tell you, this election was not about who was a “smarter” candidate, or whose policies would be “better for the country,” or other irrelevant nonsense. We all know John Kerry is a privileged, prep-school, Ivy Leaguer. We all know he clearly won the debates. But we care about things that are more important than debates or colleges or statistics or facts. We care about moral values. George W. Bush shares our values. He’s a regular guy, the kind of guy you’d like to drink a beer with, if he was still allowed to drink. The kind of guy who’d invite you out to his ranch to shoot at birds or play golf. The kind of guy who’d read a storybook to school kids. The kind of guy who doesn’t know how to windsurf.

[Derisive laughter.]

But seriously, George Bush shares our values. He stays the course, and never changes just because the polls or the press or the facts change. He’s no flip-flopper!

[Hoots and chants of “flip-flop.”]

George W. Bush cares about the same issues we care about. We care about the environment. George W. Bush is always clearing brush on his ranch, in the great outdoors, wearing jeans and a cowboy hat like a real outdoorsman. Does John Kerry even own a cowboy hat? Who are you going to trust the environment to, a windsurfer or a real outdoorsman?

[Chants of “Bush! Bush! Bush!”]

We care about a woman’s right to choose, and George W. Bush cares about that too. He won’t change his position, even if we disagree with it. We don’t get all worked up about who agrees or disagrees with us, we care more about who sticks to his guns. The president is resolute, and you have to respect that. Anyway, this abortion thing is going to be settled in the Supreme Court, not by the president, so it doesn’t really matter much what Bush’s exact position is on that. We’ll address this issue when the Supreme Court Justices come up for reëlection. At least President Bush isn’t afraid to let you know where he stands!

We also care about taxes. We don’t want to pay them. George W. Bush doesn’t like to pay them either. His huge tax cuts got us each $50 to $70 last year. Mr. Yale Windsurfer has voted to raise taxes many times. We’re not about to PAY to vote for that guy!

[Cheers, hoots.]

Not to kick a guy when he’s down—and Mr. Purple Heart is sure down right about now—but as countless TV commercials have proven, John Kerry is a traitor, a coward, and a liar.


All he talks about is how he was in Vietnam. Well you’d better believe that George W. Bush would never beg for a Purple Heart for his Vietnam activities, and he never goes on and on about what he did back then. He sticks to the present day, and that’s why we helped him win!

[More cheers.]

One of the biggest issues facing this country is gay marriage.

[More boos.]

Yes, we are strongly against gay marriage, and so is George W. Bush. John Kerry wants to force all gay people to get married, but those just aren’t our values. We don’t even want to think about that stuff. We believe that the government should just stay out of that whole business. Don’t ask, don’t tell, just like the president said!

[Scattered cheers.]

Then there’s the terrorists. These are bad, bad evildoer-type folks. John Kerry kept claiming that he would hunt them down and destroy them—well, what terrorists has he ever caught? George W. Bush captured the ringleader of the 9-11 attacks, Saddam Hussein, who is now in a jail cell. Hey, Saddam and John Kerry, payback’s a bitch, isn’t it?

[Wild cheers.]

Speaking of the terrorists and 9-11, there’s this little matter of a war being fought right now. By us! You just don’t change horses in midstream! Ever! That is what the terrorists want! We are all against war, we hate war. We are not afraid to come right out and say that we believe that war is bad and wrong! But we also support our troops! George W. Bush is our commander in chief, and real Americans support him in this crisis. He is the man to get us out of this terrible mess we are in over there. He is firm and resolute, and stays the course. We will be in good hands for the next four years, the hands of the man who knows what invading Iraq is all about!

[More cheers.]

We are very much against war, which is why we are all so glad that President Bush was able to bring Operation: Iraqi Freedom to such a victorious end as soon as he did. George W. Bush got the Mission Accomplished over there and ended the real war a long time ago. Once we get this peacetime stuff straightened out, we’ll be all set.

We have many other important issues that we care deeply about, like the budget deficit. We need lower taxes, to stimulate the economy so that we can finally get rid of this huge budget deficit. Can you imagine what this deficit would look like if a Democrat were to be president? It’s downright scary to think about.

And then there’s the Patriotism issue. President Bush is a true patriot who loves America. John Kerry claims that he loves America, but then he goes right out and criticizes us, and wants the U.N. to tell us what to do. That doesn’t sound like a patriot to me, that sounds like a flip-flopper!

[More “flip-flop” chants.]

On the important issue of Looking Presidential, there is no contest. President Bush looks like a Leader, a Commander, a President. That is what we need in this country, a leader who looks like a Leader, a president who looks like a President. Other countries will not respect us if we have some long-faced Ivy League guitar-player guy in charge. We look forward to four more years of President George W. Bush Looking Presidential, and making us all feel confident and reassured.

There are many other issues that we care about: Education. Jobs. The future. President Bush mentioned each of these issues in his speeches many times. He is firm and resolute, and he won’t be changing his mind with the polls. We can trust him on that, and that’s what we all really want in a leader.

So those are just some of the many reasons that we voted for our candidate, President George W. Bush. As is now clear, we played a huge role in this election, and we’re very proud of that. We look forward to four more years of President Bush’s leadership, and we’re all grateful that our hard work helped make it possible for us to avoid John Kerry’s radical and destructive policies on war, the environment, a woman’s right to choose, patriotism, windsurfing, and many other issues that we hold so dear.

Congratulations, folks! We did it, we won, and the next four years and beyond are going to bring many exciting and challenging times to us and our great country. It’s nothing less than what we deserve!

[Wild cheers, applause.]

Thank you. God bless America, God Bless President Bush, and God Bless each and every member of the Moderate, Pro-Choice, Anti-War, Environmentalist Undecided Voters of Cuyahoga County, Ohio!

[More wild cheers.]

Dan Davis edits scripts in Boston, and has written humor and fiction pieces for several magazines. Here are some of them: McSweeney’s, Monkey Knife Fight!, and Lollipop.

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