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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, December 1, 2004

An Excerpt from Bill O’Reilly’s Upcoming Book, How to Have Hot Sex Using a Falafel: For Kids

Falafel!Hey, kids, one thing we know on “The Factor” is that you need to be prepared before you start any new task. Lack of preparation is just asking for trouble. And don’t try to spin it any other way: if you aren’t prepared you’ll be in a mess quicker than you can say “Shut up.” That’s why it’s so important to know how to make a falafel before you use one during hot sex.

Now, I know there are some in the liberal élite who frown on incorporating a falafel into hot sex, especially when it comes to teaching kids how to have hot sex with a falafel, but those high-minded intellectuals are so out of touch with today’s society that I don’t really care what they think. They wouldn’t know hot sex if it drove up on their lawn in a big falafel truck. So let them be pissy about it; but don’t let them ruin your hot sex with a falafel.

So as I was saying, kids, you have to be prepared before starting a task. With that in mind you must know how to make a falafel before you use it for hot sex. Here then is a simple recipe that will help get you on your way.


  • ¾ cup dried chickpeas
  • 1 large onion, coarsely chopped
  • 2 garlic cloves, coarsely chopped
  • 4 tablespoons coarsely chopped parsley
  • 5000 mg of Levitra®
  • 1 teaspoon cumin seeds, crushed
  • 1 teaspoon coriander seeds, crushed
  • ½ teaspoon baking powder
  • Salt and ground black pepper
  • Oil for deep frying and putting on sex parts.
  • Pita bread, salad and yogurt, to serve.


Put the chickpeas in a bowl of cold water and let sit overnight.

Drain the chickpeas and cover with water in a pan. Bring to a boil. Boil rapidly for 10 minutes. Reduce heat and let simmer for about 1 hour or until they’re soft like boobs. Drain, and then take off your pants.

Place the cooked chickpeas in a food processor with the onion, garlic, parsley, Levitra®, cumin, coriander, and baking powder. Add salt and pepper to taste. Process until the mixture thickens and forms a paste. Call up one of your producers while you wait for the mixture to thicken. Tell her about that woman you met at that sex show in Thailand.

Shape the mixture into walnut-size balls and flatten them slightly. Be gentle though, for they are very sensitive. In a deep pan, heat 2 inches oil until a little of the mixture sizzles on the surface when added. Put the remaining oil on your sex parts. Fry the falafel in batches until golden. Drain on paper towels and keep hot while frying the remainder. Describe to your producer how you would love to scrub the little golden fried falafels on her back while taking a shower in the Caribbean. Serve warm, in pita bread, with salad and yogurt.

That’s all there is to it, kids. Follow that simple modus operandi and you’ll be more than prepared to engage in hot sexy falafel sex. As for specific instruction on what exactly to do with a falafel during hot sex, proceed to the next chapter for detailed suggestions and crayon illustrations that were drawn by me while I was in a Ugandan brothel.

Christopher Monks works hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. So hard for the money so you better treat him right…What’s a matter? You don’t believe he works that hard? Well, who are you to judge? Are you Judgey McJudge or something? Wait, are you? No, really; tell me. I want to know. I’ve heard about Judgey McJudge and from all reports I understand it’s best not to cross him. So in the chance that you are Judgey McJudge, I apologize and please don’t eat my cat. If you’d like to see how Christopher Monks works hard for the money, visit his Web site Utter Wonder.