— How To —

Selected Tips from Emily Post's Etiquette for Ukrainian Dinner Parties

Guests should be seated beside their spouses and opposite their assassins.

Use a darkly colored tablecloth, so that spilt wine or bodily fluids are less noticeable.

The large spoon is for soup, the medium spoon for eye-gouging, and the smallest spoon is not to be used until coffee or tea after the meal.

When pulling the ol’ switcheroo, always start with the poisoned goblet to the left of the victim. Goblets should be swapped in a counterclockwise flourish.

Salad is too early to kill, dessert too late.

When choking or strangling, see to it that the victim’s chair is first pulled back six inches from the dinner table, so that his flailing arms and legs do not upset the place setting.

Keep some rolls of paper towels nearby, so as not to ruin the fancy napkins mopping up blood.

When serving poisoned soup, always serve from over the victim’s right side.

If stabbing a guest, do so under the table so that no blood will splatter bystanders or their meals.

After successfully killing your mark, do not shout any victory whoops or slogans in favor your cause. It is uncouth to shout at the dinner table.

Keep the music low enough to maintain pleasant conversation, but loud enough to veil the gurgles of a wounded victim. Bach seldom fails.

No hats.

Always wait for a suitable lull in conversation before stabbing with a butter knife. (Tip: For effectiveness, butter knives should be inserted between the third and fourth ribs.)

Dioxins and dry white wines are best served at a temperature between 8º and 10º centigrade.

Avoid discussion of politics or religion in mixed company, or at least until after those with differing opinions have been brutally dealt with.

Don’t sit next to Rasputin.