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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, December 1, 2004

The 2005 Associated Press Stylebook Supplement for the Liberal Media

(With notes by K. Friedman, M. Dowd, et al.)

Acceptable synonyms for Republican, Republicans: bastards, Republican bastards, idiots, morons, greedy Republican bastards, Jesus-freaks (always use hyphen, as with God-squad), fucking Republican scumbags, self-righteous uninformed twats, frat-boys, cocksuckers and cumdumspters (first reference, “The O’Reilly Factor”), the richest one percent and the dumbest fifty-three percent, Bushies (N.Y.T. only), the Confederacy, the Confederate States of America, A’merakins, Nazis, Nazi bastards, shitheads, Bible-thumpers, the people safest from Al-Qaeda.

Evangelicals. Group, (or groups) of people who believe that Jesus Christ is the Messiah as prophesized in the Old Testament. Commonly used as a reference to indicate splinter groups whose leaders curiously refrain from wearing ceremonial vestments and insist that parishioners be “born again” in ritualistic loyalty oath. Sometimes corrals followers to violence in the name of God. See also: Middle-East terror groups; David Koresh, Hale-Bopp, Moonies, Waco. Syn: Fundamentalists.

Civil Liberties (archaic). May be used when modified with once-great, our former, long forgotten, and outmoded. Should be written in quotes.

Gay Marriage (also known as same-sex marriage). National debate over which the state of heterosexual marriage is somehow threatened. Conservatives with otherwise stable marriages everywhere are allegedly in danger of divorcing should any gay/lesbian couple get married and enjoy tax benefits. Last time around it was Gays In The Military. Next time it will be Gays In The Workplace. Then Gays On The Streets. It won’t stop until the issue becomes Gays In Our Cemeteries. This topic should always be raised in font size just to shove it down the throats of Republicans (so to speak).

George W. Bush. Der Führer, Fearless Leader, Dictator, His Holiness, His Majesty, Our Leader, Our Father. Important to note that He was “elected” once (2nd term) and “pronounced” (1st term) once. Syn: ass; asshole; fucking asshole; incompetent; bumbling, self-righteous criminal; manipulating, corrupt miserable bastard; etc.

Iraq War see also: The War in Iraq, the War on Terror, Operation: Desert Sword, Operation: Infinite Justice, “Who Wants To Bury A Nation?”, Extended Fox Sweeps Week, Republican Circle-Jerk, Kuwait II, Clusterfuck. See: Vietnam.

Party affiliation of a politician or political candidate, indicates one of two political parties, the Democrats or the Republicans (Us and them) in the United States. “Third party” candidates are to be italicized and treated with derision and scorn; see also: splitters.

Roe v. Wade: Supreme Court decision upholding a woman’s right to choose. Likely to be overturned by 2008. (See also: Theory of Evolution, Darwin, Creationism, separation of Church and State.)

Separation of Church and State: The division of public policy from the mandate of any religion; public policy which neither favors nor exempts any religion. Many people are unaware of this.

Appendix I:

Verbiage Concerning Republican-Led “Red” States

Ohio: Round in the middle and high on both ends.

Texas™: A trademark for brand of filibustering machine fueled by haughty cattlemen and oilmen. Cannot be abbreviated. See also: lynching

West Virginia: Hereafter referred to as West By-God Virginia (without quotation marks).

Wyoming: Also: Cheneyland; has less Electoral College votes than Rhode Island, ten times the ego.

Additional synonyms regarding so-called red states: Flyover States, the Heartland, the Breadbasket, the Land That Time Forgot, Darwin’s Waiting Room, Tourists, Nascar Dads, Soccer Moms, Wal-Mart shoppers, Homophobes, Total Fuckups, Warmongers, Hypocrites, the Believers, Wankers, Jesus-Freaks.

Mick Stingley is a freelance writer. He is single and lives alone in New York City. He and Céline Dion will both be 40 on March 30, 2008.