Dear Abba

by Jonathan Shipley

Dear Abba, I’m in love with my boss. I’ve talked it over with my mom but she says I shouldn’t do anything about it. She doesn’t want to see me get fired from this job (which I cherish) if the…

A.I. Wanna Rock and Roll All Nite

by Daniel Nester

What follows is a transcript of a conversation between Gene Simmons, the bassist for the rock band KISS, and Terry Gross, host of NPR’s “Fresh Air,” originally broadcast on February 4th, 2002, with Mr. Simmons’s responses replaced by those of…

Exceedingly Cagey and Awfully Precocious

This month (um, circa) the Y.P.R. Book Club solicits your clever tricks satirizing or inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, whether you’ve read the book or not. Please point your ingenuity this-a-way: hasselhoff@yankeepotroast.org. Recycled but relevant:…

If the Republicans Were Making GEICO Commercials

by Will Layman

Dick Cheney: Mr. President, the latest poll numbers on Social Security reform are in. George W. Bush: Dick, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times—I don’t care about the polls. The Lord is telling me how…

Airbag Warnings

by Angela Genusa

Never sit less than 10 inches from the steering wheel because if the airbag inflates, you may be injured, up to, and including, decapitation. The air bag is not a pillow, or a toy, and must be kept out of…

Hidden Affikomen

“Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt with a Guest at the Seder” “Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family”…

The Night of Standup Comedy I Recently Saw, Reduced to Its Logical Abstractions, as per Freud’s Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious

by Teddy Wayne

The biological and social differences between men and women are numerous, and they cause us a great deal of sexual anxiety that can be relieved through humor. In general, men prefer to spend time watching sports and not relinquishing the…

The Amazing Adventure of Michael Chabon and the Golem

Hello, dear readers! I’m Michael Chabon, the world’s most successful comic-book fanboy and the beloved, hunky writer of Wonder Boys and Spider-Man 2. Residents of Berkeley might also recognize me as the sensitive hunk Mr. December from the “Literary Beefcake”…

Frequently Asked Questions: The Social Security Debate

by Michael Ward

Q: What’s all this stuff I keep hearing about Social Security? A: Oh, nothing. Don’t you worry your pretty little head. Everything’s going to be fine. The President has everything under control. He’s just going to privatize it. It will…

I Am a Terrible Person to Cheat on Your Boyfriend With

by Matt Borden

Maybe you saw me reading poetry, painting a watercolor in the park, greasing my back, or telling a joke. Maybe you were struck by my tousled hair, boyish grin, or carefree nature. Maybe you liked the way I sashayed or…

Borden, Matthew

Matt Borden

Excerpts from Dick Cheney’s Duck-Hunting Journal

by Vince LiCata

Tuesday. — Chest doesn’t hurt so much today. I think sleeping in the duck blind all day helped a lot. Also switching from vodka to beer. — Had to give X the Heimlich maneuver after he fell asleep with his…

My Evening With CNN

by Geoff Wolinetz

Me: Hello, CNN. It’s nice to see you. We haven’t spoken for a while. What’s new? CNN: Here are tonight’s top stories. The stepfather of the teenager at the center of the Michael Jackson trial testifies. The Vatican will open…

Disquieting Modern Trends: William Safire Edition

The Word “Conflicted,” as in “To Feel Conflict” | People Who Say “Often” by Pronouncing the “T” | The Word “Liaise,” as in “He Will Liaise with Marketing.” | Spelling “Theater” Like This: “Theatre” | Goyim Who Use Yiddish Too Much |