Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Me: Hello, CNN. It’s nice to see you. We haven’t spoken for a while. What’s new?

CNN: Here are tonight’s top stories. The stepfather of the teenager at the center of the Michael Jackson trial testifies. The Vatican will open St. Peter’s Basilica to allow people to visit the pope’s grave. Terri Schiavo is dead, but her legacy lives on.

Me: I don’t know how you keep up with it all. I can barely find the time to read a magazine. Is everything good though? How are things?

CNN: Three men were indicted today on counts of conspiracy to use weapons of mass destruction. We go to Kelli Arena at the Justice Department. Kelli?

Me: Oh, how is Kelli? We haven’t spoken in ages! Oh, she got her haircut. I think I liked it better the other way. She needs to get that hair off her forehead. Anyway, enough about Kelli, CNN. I want to know about you. How is everything with you?

CNN: In the Michael Jackson child-molestation trial, the stepfather of the teenage accuser testified that his family was offered a new house and free college educations for the children in exchange for appearing in a video refuting a damaging TV documentary. Is this another setback for the defense? CNN’s Miguel Marquez reports.

Me: Between me and you, I never liked Miguel. He’s always so pompous and cocksure, and has he ever tied his tie knot straight? It’s not terribly hard. The rabbit goes around the tree and through the hole. It’s so simple.

CNN: How can you beat spring allergies? Sanjay Gupta will tell you when were turn. Also, who is this man and why should you know him? We’ll tell you after this.

Me: Oh, sure. No problem. The bathroom is down the hall, third door on the left. Do me a favor, though. If you’re going to be in there for awhile, just make sure you light a match. Hurry back, though. I haven’t seen Sanjay in ages.

CNN: Welcome back. Dr. Sanjay Gupta is here now to tell us how to beat those pesky spring allergies. Sanjay?

Me: Wow, he still looks fantastic! He hasn’t aged a bit. My goodness, the man is like Dick Clark, except without the signed deal with Satan. I wonder what he does to keep his skin so radiant. I’m looking for a good exfoliant. Maybe he can recommend something. What’s really going on though, CNN? How are things with you?

CNN: Coming up next, Britney’s big announcement. We’ll be right back.

Me: You have to go again? Was it the pâté? I know pâté always does it tome. My aunt made this goose liver stuff once and I had to miss work the next day with this awful case of the runs.

CNN: We’re back.

Me: About time. Don’t you have anything serious to tell me? Come on, give me the scoop.

CNN: What’s going on with the new SAT? Heidi Collins has the information.

Me: First, Kelli. Then, Miguel and Sanjay. Now, Heidi. You just keep jumping, jumping. Can’t you focus for two seconds?

CNN: We’ll be right back after this.

Me: Ugh. Fine. Go ahead.

CNN: We’re back.

Me: Finally. Sometimes you’re really rude, CNN. I go through all the trouble of making a nice meal and taking the time to sit down with you. What do you do? You leave during the meal. You keep shifting the focus from yourself. You go from topic to topic without giving any real information. You know what, CNN? If you don’t want to hold up your end of the bargain, that’s fine. Don’t cry to me when I’m sitting down with some other channel.

CNN: Here’s what’s coming on CNN next hour.

Me: I’m outta here.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of “Silver Spoons”). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between “Geoff Witcher” and “Geoff Wood.” In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.

Disquieting Modern Trends: William Safire Edition The Word "Conflicted," as in "To Feel Conflict" | People Who Say "Often" by Pronouncing the "T" | The Word "Liaise," as in "He Will Liaise with Marketing." | Spelling "Theater" Like This: "Theatre" | Goyim Who Use Yiddish Too Much |
Reader’s Block I hate deciding which book to read. The smallest things sway me. A seagull overhead makes me reach for Lord Jim. The temperature drops to minus one and I’m hunkering down with Miss Smilla’s Feeling for Snow. If I feel...
Book Club
Sam Lipsyte's Home Land In which Y.P.R. solicits your alumni updates, yearbook scribblings, and notes passed to high-school crushes.

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